collection of vital intelligence

[byblow]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Alistair
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: IMPORTANT
WHEN: Now, whenever, time is an illusion
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Threadjacking strongly encouraged.

Urrrgent question: what's the most charming way you've ever been flirted with? And the least charming. Or the most and least charming ways you've ever flirted with someone else.

I know how this sounds, but I really am asking for a friend.

—if you know any good puns, share those, too.

That's all. Thank you.

Comments

[aceso]

I probably should not have found this charming, but after helping to kill an attacking bear, he offered to make me a bear blanket out of it.

[ It should go without saying that the "he" was Asher, right? ]

However, I cannot say such a thing would work for your "friend."

[byblow]

[ It possibly should, but Alistair wasn't acquainted. ]

I don't know that killing bears is in my friend's future, no... Did you get your blanket?

[ombranera]

You were there for my least charming. Lying in the dirt, bound, with blood on my teeth? Hardly a dashing figure wouldn't you say?

Most charming- I think, perhaps, is offering an Antivan Massage. Works every time.

[byblow]

That was... I wasn't charmed, but someone was. It showed spirit.

[arlathvhen]

I wrote a song declaring my undying love for a man once, and he didn't even give me a ring. I cried for a whole day, maybe two.

[byblow]

Hey. You owed me your undying love for saving your life. So we'd be even. If I owe you something back, we're not even anymore.

[justice_is_blond]

The least charming I've done, apparently, was to fall backward and insist someone catch me.

[A beat.]

He didn't. The least charming I've received has been a slow look up and down and a suggestion that I was 'pretty enough for some fun.' I'm more than pretty enough for a great deal of fun, thank you very much.

And then the best... I draped myself over his desk, robes open, and informed him that I'd like to retake the oral portion of that day's exam. Best received was when someone pulled my hairtie out and played with my hair after I gave them permission to touch anywhere.

[failedfirst]

Really, that's what you think is your least charming? Do you not remember what you said when we first met?

[ichaer]

I once told a market girl in Val Royeaux that if she were a vegetable, she'd be a cutecumber and how we'd make a great pear.

... I did once unknowingly walk through poison oak to try and reach some flowers growing nearby though. I was hardly as charming when I returned to town later wishing for my skin to fall off but the bouquet was bloody beautiful.

[byblow]

A cutecumber. That's brilliant. Maker. Did it work?

[failedfirst]

I have yet to find someone's attempts to flirt with me charming. [That she's aware of.]

The least charming was [and there's a deep sigh, here.] "Are you a Dalish mage? ‘Cause you look like a Keeper"

[unbrokenoath]

Excuse you, every attempt I made was charming.

[unbrokenoath]

This is impossible, I would have to recount my entire life to you. I'm always charming. It's a curse.

[ Pause. ]

A guy once told me that if I were a fruit, I'd be a fineapple. I decked him.

[ichaer]

I imagine he was feeling quite meloncholy afterwards.

[ Ciri, no. ]

[stabsbooks]

He told me he would like to be terribly romantic with me. And when I expressed interest, he did not respond in words - he simply looked down at me, and tilted my chin up with his finger, so gently, and kissed me.

And when he pulled away, he said, "When you least expect it."

[ This is private, right, Alistair? And also anonymous? ]

[unbrokenoath]

Bow-chika-wow-wow.

[ no. ]

[obi_wanmanshow]

Most charming, ah... [He stops to think.] Well, the least would have to be one of several attempts on my life. But that's... sort of a hazard, in wartime.

[Plus if she stopped attempting to assassinate him, then when would they meet? For Chav tea in a nice cafe? Hardly.]

You come to expect it.

I'm not sure I'm very charming myself, regardless, nor much of a flirt. [Tha the knows of, bless his heart] Lack of practice, I suppose. What brought this on?

[byblow]

I told you. I'm asking for a friend.

How exactly do you tell the difference between someone who's flirting by trying to kill you and someone who's just trying to kill you?

[gatheringstorm]

The least charming were grossly racist and let's just say the offending parties probably won't be reproducing.

Does showing off your badassery in front of someone count? Because I've done that. Doing it while wearing something that flatters your body doesn't hurt, either. That's what antaam-saars are for, honestly. 'Adequate protection', my ass.

I may have also offered an insanely beautiful and charming but tiny woman a ride on my shoulders when we had to pass through gross mirelands. She was very grateful and in turn made me the weak-kneed one when she made me the most sumptuous dinner before I had to leave for a mission. I don't think we ever got to dessert.

[byblow]

Wearing revealing clothing and carrying people on his shoulders. Got it.

[ When Cade walks through Skyhold in a rope bikini with a dwarf in his shoulders, it will be Korrin's fault. ]

You didn't waste that dessert, did you? If that happens again, set dessert outside your room and send me a message to come get it.

[mythalenaste]

There was a lad who found constellations in my freckles.

[byblow]

Aw. That's sweet. Probably. Maybe not if it was Chaos or the Chained Man.

[onlyhymns]

Is this...
oh. Alistair. No. ...please no.

[byblow]

Hmm? What?

[blessedmaiden]

I had an influent male of my world trying to... seduce me for years, so it's not like I've ever had other people flirting with me but I can tell the least charming way to flirt with a woman is to spy on her. Even if it's to make sure she's safe.

Me, flirting... well... [It was waaay back then as soon as she returned in the human world, it involved her leaving a dead deer in front of someone's house, who knew people of the surface had really complicated courtship rituals? It took her so long to adapt (again) to them.] I suppose a romantic homemade dinner can always work?

[byblow]

No... spying... [ Like he's copying it down. ] Got it.

[doneisdone]

You have friends?

[byblow]

Six and a half.

[eviscerates]

Worst? Not uniquely bad, but getting hit on by drunks every night at work got a little old.

[byblow]

Did it make you... howling mad?

[sheriffing]

Honestly? He told stupid jokes.

[ DON'T ASK HER WHY IT WORKED. She's already having a Graham flashback.]

[byblow]

No kidding?

Or—yes kidding, I guess. That's the point.

What stupid jokes exactly?

[unsullies]

Is 'your friend' too shy to ask on his own?

[ hello, what is flirting when you're pushed into an arranged marriage with a warlord ]

[byblow]

He doesn't know he needs to ask.

[wontforgetyou]

Aye well...for least charming, I'd say that was the time where someone wound up tricking me into thinking she liked me and then made me play a whole bunch of not very nice games in order to get my friend to cooperate with her.

I'd not recommend getting stuck in a giant clock and having to jump over a razor sharp second hand in general, mind, but I daresay it'd be worse if the person that made you do that meant it as flirting.

[byblow]

I... A giant clock? Like the dwarves have?

[foxsays]

I always like to cook for someone, like Korrin said, or if I was home where people have real taverns with good fast music then out dancing until the sun comes up. Though I have something of a reputation that excites a lot of ladies my age, and a little older.

[Hot thief on a rooftop with pistols and rapiers, that's standard bodice ripper stuff.]

The least charming though...well, when you have a pirate and a whore for a mother, certain people think you will fall into bed with them and that they can call you whatever they like. A good night is not having to duel them to put them in their place again.

[byblow]

[ Dancing, food, brilliant, but most importantly: ]

Your mother is a pirate? A real one?

... Do you know any pirate jokes?

[glandival]

Is your friend's intended an elf? Perhaps then they could say: there are many rabbits in the forest, but you are the only one I wish to take home and mount.

[mythalenaste]

[Some unnamed person bursts out laughing.]

[sistertohermen]

...Does staring at tits count as flirting, or just rude behavior?

[byblow]

That's a good question. It's rude, that's for sure, but I guess it could be rude flirting.

[qunari]

Most charming's kind of hard one. Least charming's way easier.

The saddle.

[byblow]

I am

[ given their previous discussion ]

a little afraid to ask, but here I go, asking anyway.

[lettersfromhome]

I don't believe there is such a thing as a good pun.

[byblow]

Sorry, you don't what?

[theproperglove]

It was Satinalia, and she gave me a pastry. I was sixteen. ( A nostalgic sort of sound. ) Nothing ever came of it, of course.

I find all attempts at flirtation charming in their own way. Now, if you're asking about efficacy, then, perhaps, I will have several suggestions to make.

[byblow]

A pastry, hm? Was there anything special about it? Was it in the shape of a heart?