therookery | [ OPEN ] Inquisition's Hot or Hot DAMN

[ OPEN ] Inquisition's Hot or Hot DAMN

FORM:Sending Crystal / Posted copy to the bulletin board
SENDER: Zevran Arainai
RECIPIENT: All
WHAT: The Inquisition is full of stupidly pretty people. This bears discussing.
WHEN: Current
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Respectful oogling, language, and adult content.

I think the time has come to ask a very serious question of the Inquisition. Is it just me or is Skyhold full to bursting with ridiculously sexy individuals? We have statuesque Qunari, lithe Dalish, voluptuous Dwarves, Humans in every glorious shade, size, and shape- and every last one of them incredibly attractive. I had thought to myself- 'Zevran, the Inquisition must be turning away those with less than appealing faces' but no. Handsome men and gorgeous women all. I have tried to list out names and rate them but, alas, there are too many even for I to form an opinion.

Too many gorgeous people. Is that not a marvelous problem to have?

And so I turn to you, my fellow members of the Inquisition. I ask for your aid because I simply cannot keep up with all the lovely people on my own. From a scale of "I would have them tomorrow" to "I would have them right now", how would you rate the beautiful people of Skyhold?

In the interest of fairness- if you name a name? You must list what of them you find terribly attractive- what of them drives you to the point of distraction. I shall go first!

Dorian Pavus - If there is anyone here that might, and I do mean might possibly be prettier than me? It is Dorian. Have you seen him? How can anyone look upon that man and not be at least a little enchanted, if not enthralled? Those smoldering eyes, that sultry voice, the teasing mustache; he I would have right now should he wish.

Merrill - What can I say? She is an utter delight in every possible way- fine boned and sweet, under that innocent smile I promise there is a terribly naughty mind just waiting to be unleashed. Her as well I would have in a heartbeat were I not afraid for my life due to the protective nature of some of her friends.

Knight-Captain Maria - The allure of a dutiful woman is beyond measuring. Her skill in battle, that wry humor, her devotion- I am certain under that templar armor there is a body that would bring many a man and woman to their knees in worship. She? I would have in an hour as I am certain it would take that long to get her out of the armor.

Taashath - I would climb the man like a tree- I have climbed the man like a tree. Those broad shoulders, that rack, his voice, the way his muscles ripple- Maker just recounting the things of him that I find alluring has me a little distracted, I apologize. Reshaping the friendly shores indeed. There is a delightful danger to him- and as such I would have him within an hour, for being made ready takes about that long.

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Araceli, of course. I know I'm biased, but tell me that those curls and smile and sparkling eyes aren't incredibly attractive, I dare you. Not to mention there's the view she gave me at the soiree. 'Andraste's tits', indeed.

She's not here anymore, but...Maevaris. Well. She has charm in spades, the best wine from the north, and I love how she had the ego to take over part of the courtyard with her tent-suite. If anyone could give Dorian a run for his money, fashion-wise, it'd be her.

Cyril. He's playful, beautiful, and that skin? Utterly flawless. It's like looking at a finely carved marble statue, quite honestly.

Korrin. She is strong physically and mentally, and what is not to enjoy with a bosom like hers?

I have such a list. I suppose I could go on.

This list is by no means exhaustive, but I do enjoy talking about this.

Zevran Arainai, which I'm sure comes at no surprise you, my friend. You already know all of your best qualities, but I'll happily repeat how wonderful you are to look at and spend time with.

Taashath, of course, is very high on my list. You've already spoken beautifully on his fine appearance and the shape of his wonderful body. I'll say also that he manages to make you feel very wanted and safe without overstepping your boundaries. He's not only gorgeous but kind and attentive. He's probably among my favorite people here. [And hello there emotions so MOVING ON]

Twisted Fate is quite a dream, though I'm sure my clanmates will groan to hear me say it. Still, he's fun, has a wonderful sense of humor, and looks fantastic in his hat. Even more so when he has very little else on.

Samouel Gareth is too adorable for words, honestly. I've only had the pleasure of his intimate company once, but his friendship means more to me than I can say. Making him blush is one of my favorite past times.

Martin Walker is someone who has a surprising amount of good humor. Not to mention that wonderful jaw and muscular form.

[He pauses here, because he almost lists Anders too, but he really doesn't want to be yelled at by random humans right now.]

And I'm going to add quick list of those who I find attractive but would never go after because my friends or family have already have laid claim: Alistair Theirin, Maxwell Trevean, and, to a certain extent, James Norrington.

Well you have already mentioned one or two ... and I would like to say yourself but I am certain you do not need my praises. Cyril you have mentioned. So!

- Templar Ingrid Kief. As her commanding officer I would have to fill in about a million forms to be allowed to court her, except it would be entirely worth it. She is strong, intelligent, with a real sense of honor and duty, and of course she is lovely.

- Ellana Ashara must be mentioned because she is truly beautiful - in mind, spirit and face. Yet she has the sort of loveliness that shines from within, so I believe even if her nose was crooked or her eyes would be too close together, I would still find her lovely.

- Adelaide LeBlanc, despite her coolness, is quite attractive in many ways, and all of those ways are when she allows herself to be open with you. I consider her the best of friends, and anyone who can make a friend of me to make me lower my own walls? Is a woman worthy of such attentions.

- I shall put in your friend Alistair here, and only half-because he'll make that face when he realizes a templar finds him attractive. He's smart, he's funny, and his odd shaped nose is oddly compelling. Beyond that, he has enough attitude for ten men.

Ellana Ashara...

And no. I can't say more than that in a public forum. [He's going to pretend he never responded to his now, Lalalala]

Yeah this is going to end well for no one. However, I'll play.

- Cullen Rutherford. If you even have to ask me why, you haven't been paying attention but I'll lay out a few of the more obvious attractions. His eyes will set you aflame with one soft look, his smiles are enough to make my knees give out at inconvenient times, and I would pay him in whatever coin he'd like to just read aloud to me.

- Twisted Fate, mostly because the man could charm the birds from the trees. Oh, he'll probably fleece you blind, or put nails in your chair, but the grin that he'll give you afterwards would be worth it.

- Garris Valkrie. He's smart, he's funny, he's got a lopsided grin and an attitude to match. I'll match him shot for shot and he can still give me that smirk, and give the kind of form that should make everyone swoon. That's a man to look twice at.

- Varric Tethras. The chest. Great Maker, the chest. And the voice and the wit and the stories and ...really come on, Zev. Need I go on?

If I might elaborate, you neglected to wax poetic as to my sun-warmed, gloriously smooth skin, my immaculate hair, my perfect teeth.

[ Was he meant to talk about other people? That's nice. ]

Zev, I think you know certain names go without saying. But I'll name a few anyway.

Our own Sister Nightingale. Don't be fooled, I don't doubt that woman sings like a bird under the right circumstances.

And Cullen's not bad for an ex-templar. See just how naughty that Chantry boy can really be.

Same with Alistair, I might add.

And Sera. Now that is a mouth always ready to be put to good use.

James Kirk. I certainly wouldn't mind having that captain at my helm.

Beleth... Look, until you've seen her dolled up like a nautical hooker, you haven't lived. She could use a little confidence, but she has everything she needs to be the perfect little distraction.

Bethany Hawke. Beautiful girl. Don't be fooled by that sweet smile, there's a tigress in there just waiting to be unleashed.

I'll agree on Twisted Fate. What an utter and maddening delight of a man.

Madame Vivienne de Fer. Strong, capable, gorgeous... That's a woman who knows what she wants and won't take no for an answer.

Fenris... Mmm, such pretty eyes, strong hands, and get that voice purring in your ear. Oh, what a smoulder. And he even glows in the dark!

And oh, yes, Anders. Say what you will about him, but he's quite the eager little pleaser. And that electricity trick is to die for.

If it means she never again asks me for dirty spells, please, by all means, take some time with Merrill.

I'll second Dorian. Especially when he's not had a chance to shave in days. He's a lovely sight normally, but like that, even more so.

Nathaniel should have mention, fantastic, striking features, glorious hands, and a heart like no other. Also, he puts up well with teasing, and if that's not a good sign...

Teren for a third. She's sarcastic and the way she raises her eyebrow says you know she means business. I like my women masterful.

And to round it out... Isabela, because what list is complete without her? There's a fire there, fantastic breasts, enthusiasm that knows no bounds, she deserves a place.

I could go on, but I'll behave a little.

[ Look, Christine doesn't kiss and tell, but she's had a lot of wine today, okay? ]

Oh, why not? I shall play.

I'll start with Sam Gareth, just to get him out of the way, because surely he will be smug about the whole thing. He is very fit and I like my men tall, but he's also very sweet and thoughtful.

Then our Commander, which I probably do not need to detail on why, because everyone swoons over him. Aleron is a gentleman I have started work on a project with, and I must say, I find his obliviousness to when women are giving him suggestive glances so endearing. I am surprised we accomplish anything in the library with so many women pretending to trip as they walk by to gain his notice.

Asher is very attractive, once he wipes all the dirt and grime off him. And I agree about Taashath. [ She chuckles. ] I have never heard of climbing someone like a tree, but it is apt. And I find Church attractive mostly because he makes me laugh.

...I think Merrick has nice hair. It's really fluffy and soft. And, um. Alistair has a nice nose. I don't know why someone wouldn't like it...? Korrin is really pretty, um--I like her hair, too. And I know you already know that you're attractive, Zevran, but I like your smile. Even when you're smirking. It's very warm.

[ She's not very good at this but she TRIED. ]

Maker's breath, look what you've started. No one's going to get anything done around here now.

Really, this is just proof that I shouldn't be drinking and listening ... but why not?

- First, Seeker Aleron Darton. He should know that he's got the bluest eyes I have ever seen in some time, a smile that he should use more often, and the sort of gentle manners that make you feel cared for, even if he doesn't know you from the next Warden mage. Remarkable hands, and he's a marvelous dancer.

- Second, I'll back up Anders. If nothing else, he's an amazing flirt and when you can get him to smile and joke with you, he's utterly charming.

- Third - Isabela. Oh ... Isabela. She's beautiful, she's witty, she is fire with smoky eyes and carmel skin. I adore Isabela, not just because she's beautiful, but that she's got the spirit of the storm.

- I shall ... third? Fourth? Alistair. Because he's the most charming, most sarcastic and one of the most kind men I have ever known. He'll do anything to make you feel at home, even if it is just with yourself.

- Zevran Arainai, who has a laugh like silk, fingers like rough velvet, and a smile that just makes you want to put your head on his lap and ask him to play with your hair. My sister is one lucky bitch, ser. Never forget that.

- Obi Wan Kenobi. He looks like a chantry brother, he talks like a sarcastic school teacher, but he's got enough passion to burn a path right through this Inquisition. He's also has a marvelous smile, and an even more marvelous sense of humor.

Andraste's tits ... I know there are more. Can I mention people who are mad at me?

By the Gods, Thank You--someone finally said it.

[Does he sound a little exhausted and relieved? No, he sounds a lot exhausted and relieved. This topic is clearly something that has been frustrating Hiccup for a while.]

Seriously, is it the altitude? Is it the armor? Nobody eeeever mentioned that so many lowlanders were--well--all--everything--this.

I thought I was going crazy, like maybe I hit my head, or Imhar the Tricky was having a go at me--it's ridiculous! Do you know what my kinsmen look like under the warpaint? PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.

[He is just...so...deeply exasperated.]

Nobody told me there were pretty girls that could wrestle bears in the lowlands--Why wasn't I told?

Do I have to want to have them to think they're beautiful? ( she's laughing, but even so. )

Edited 2016-04-17 05:47 (UTC)

This is foolish.

Oh, Maker's ass, where do I start? Can I just list all of Skyhold? Everybody's attractive. Especially all these cute little elves?

Uhh, Asher's been mentioned, but yeah, he's hot and great in the sack, even if I'm gonna suplex him next time I see him.

Cassandra is smoking hot in that I'll step all over you and make you thank me way. That one lady--Nerva?--her, too. Andraste's tits, they could team up and beat me up if they wanted.

Adelaide? That one mage lady? She's fine as anything, so is Lady Vivienne. I think all the hot people in Orlais must be mages.

The elves, obviously. I haven't seen a single ugly one. There's all the ones we've been collecting in the Warden camp. Velanna is hot if you don't mind the scowl. Uh, those other two Dalish girls, the ones Alistair and Felix are with. Is Velanna the only single one there, because that's really unfair.

Gavin! Gavin is lovely. If you want to fuck a dude who is totally relaxed and will laugh and joke around with you while knockin' boots, go with Gavin. And that one...it looks like he has the Dalish tattoos but all over his body? He always looks kinda cranky but he's got these muscles.

And you, obviously. You're quite the looker.

Guess I haven't given this kind of thing a lot of thought lately.

Huh, lemme think... Well, Bethany's pretty. And nice.

[YEP he's super good at this.]

[ TWO THOUSAND YEAR SIGH.

But then. ]

Alejandro. That passion. That fury. That refusal to listen to reason or accept nuance. It's adorable.

Nathaniel Howe—he makes not having any fun ever look incredibly sexy.

And Adelaide, of course. There's nothing that appeals to me more than feeling like I'm thirteen years old and being lectured by a Chantry sister. And she has lovely hair.

This has got to be a new low for you.

[ She starts this transmission with a derisive snort. Teasing, but roughly, like there's an underlying tension that's been simmering-- ]

Has handsome Chevalier fallen out of your favour?

Oh! Well, thank you very much, Zevran. [ SO PLEASED AND ALSO BLUSHING SO HARD ] Though I still don't think anyone will stab you for it.

I should say some people who haven't been mentioned, so they don't feel left out!

[ lord almighty here we go ]

Martel is quite handsome, and he's taken to Thedas quite well! And he's a good cook with very lovely hands.

Ruby the Wolf is gorgeous in every way [ and while Merrill has just called her 'the Wolf', she's not going to reveal her wolf-changing any more than Ruby herself already has, but she does mean as both woman and wolf ] and a lovely friend, with her stories of the stars and ships that sail them.

Has no one mentioned the Iron Bull? I can't quite believe it, but he's wonderful at making people laugh and at slaying dragons. And the fact that he doesn't wear a shirt is rather like a gift every day.

Bethany, of course, is as sweet and lovely as the summer sun and the flowers beneath it. Anyone would be lucky to spend time with her.

It's the same with Samwise -- he loves plants and growing things, and I can only imagine he treats them with tender care.

Morrigan is so fashionable! [ merrill ] Her hair, her eyes -- she's gorgeous! [ m e r r i l l ]

I could just keep going!

...I understand that keeping up morale is an important part of any army, but is this really the way to go about it, ser?

Really? Oh man, okay, well, Christine is bammin' slammin' bootylicious and have you seen how adorable her adorable face is when she laughs? Holy shit. Wow I sound kind of gross with the whole, y'know, objectifying women thing. But whatever.

Cuz Adelaide is also woooow she takes zero shit and that is pretty hot in and of itself, but Snow White's also got a great figure. And hands. Skilled fucking hands!

And Araceli knows how to work a dress. And a room. And I, for one, am fine with being one of those dimwits distracted by corset'ed boobs. And, also, damn, I don't know what you guys use for shampoo around here, but I gotta get me some of whatever she puts in her hair.

Seems a lot more like a foolish waste of time than a serious question.

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