A SURVEY

[aventuriere]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Baroness Frédérique Durfort-Lacapalette, Brother Jehan Mercier, and Valentine Nicasius Maxence Mérovée Olivier de Foncé
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Important questions
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Please threadjack

Inquisition, we have a question for you.

[ DO NOT SILENCE YOUR CRYSTALS. That is an Orlesian voice, but it is not Val de Foncé's voice. Instead, it is the voice of a woman, which makes it immediately superior. You are probably safe. Maybe. Keep listening. ]

You see, we are scholars. The best of scholars! And this Inquisition, it offers the most magnifique opportunities to learn more of this world and we, my friends, we are here to take on that most noble challenge!

We are conducting a study. [ From the tavern. ] Which of Thedas' nations is your favorite? Le plus fantastique? [ A pause, some murmuring reminder while the crystal is covered with a hand. ] You may not say Orlais, and you must explain why, pour l'étude.

[ HERE is Val’s voice. Please keep listening. ]



You may not say Orlais because we already know that it is Orlais. We have been to Orlais, many times. [ A voice cuts in, dry: ] We are even from Orlais, in case you had not guessed. [ From, you know. The really obvious accents. ] For this, we seek other answers. Answers that are more diverse. Perhaps it is better to say second best? Second favorite? With, naturally, Orlais being the favorite. We are, you see, all in disagreement.

It is threatening to tear us apart, when we have only just been brought back together.

Yes, because you are wrong. If you would cease to be so wrong, we would not be torn apart!

No, you are-- Ah, courage, my friends! We must not be torn apart. [ There is some shuffling and oofing. It is possible that arms are being thrown about shoulders and necks are being squeezed. ] Inquisition, we turn to you, on behalf of our reunion, and the great Baroness Haut-Brion.

If you answer our question we will permit you to call her Freddie.

You will permit nothing, but I may permit it, if your answers are particularly clever.

Also, for a bet-- [ Should Chantry Brothers make bets? Shh. Should Chantry Brothers pause while speaking to drink wine? Shhhhh. ] How many times per day is it reasonable to pray? Suppose that you are also reasonably faithful.

Suppose that you are a madman, a holy madman--

And that you desire nothing more than to be Andraste's second husband and like Maferath to be cuckolded by the Maker himself--

[ Should Chantry brothers dump wine over the heads of their friends? Shhhhhhhhh. ]

Comments

[serannas]

Of the countries I've visited so far, Rivain is my favorite.

[ She's just... going to ignore the prayer question. ]

[degenere]

[LOUDLY (but not unfriendly):] And you must explain WHY, POUR L'ÉTUDE!

Though I am in some agreement. Rivain, an exotic land--though perhaps too comfortably exotic?

[judgemewhole]

[Oh, how James has longed for this day. He has longed for this day since they became invaded by Orlesians. He clears his throat, and there's the rustling of parchment.

It is entirely possible he's written a list.]

The Free Marches, because ...

We are independent states that do not need to have someone telling us what to do, what to wear, and how to think.

In fact, we have kicked out every single country that has tried to. That includes the Qunari, the Tevinter Empire, Nevarra, and oh yes, Orlais.

We are the home of the Grand Tourney, the single greatest trial-by-combat there is.

We are the bread basket of Thedas, which means we provide most of the other nations with much needed grain, barley, and other produce.

We are also the home to such famous figures as the Champion of Kirkwall, the great writer Varric Tethras, and the once birthplace of Madame Vivienne, First Enchanter of the Circle of Montsimmard.

[There's almost a sharp smile.] May I remind the judges that while yes, the Free Marches is a number of city states and not a nation, we will come together in force to defend our own. Be it in war, or argument over what constitutes as a nation.

[degenere]

...Are you reading off a page to us, monsieur?

[el_tybs]

I have to argue that the Champion of Kirkwall was from Ferelen though. We've had a recent history of heroes from our nation.

[apologist]

Bénie Mariée, monsiuer, how do you survive? I would not know what to do without my weekly instructions from the Empress regarding what to do, wear, and think.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

[Well, it has to be said, and if it's said with a dimpled grin behind it, who would know except those wandering through the Warden camp?]

Fereldan, of course, because of all our lovely mabari.

[aventuriere]

You Fereldans know that there are also dogs in other countries, yes?

[qunari]

Mmm. You know, I still do miss Par Vollen from time to time. You don't see anything like it down south. The jungle mist, the smell of ripe fruit and rain, the architecture...

Plus, the booze down here? It's got nothing on what they brew up there. Just saying.

[degenere]

[This is the part of the survey where--unseen--all three Orlesian scholars look around at one another with bright shiny eyes.

Par Vollen.]

But you must say more. What is the booze like, monsieur?

[failedfirst]

Yes, clearly a nation that cheerfully murders thousands and drives them from their rightful lands is everyone's favorite.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

[This is not Bethany choking down a laugh.]

[aventuriere]

Yes, it has so many things to recommend it! But which nation is your second favorite?

[circleprodigy]

I have to agree with Bethany, for the same reasons. Mabari are the superior breed. [So Fereldan, not sorry at all. In the background a mabari barks.]

Though if I had to choose one beyond that, perhaps Nevarra. They seem to treat their mages with respect beyond what you'd find elsewhere, and that is appealing.

[aventuriere]

Nevarra! On that I quite agree, madame, even if your continued insistence on Mabari merely reveals that Ferelden has nothing else at all to offer. But Nevarra is a fascinating place, is it not? So much history, the crossroads of so many great cultures. One could study Nevarra alone for lifetimes and never grow bored.

[gatheringstorm]

Rivain. Less racism and more spices.

[aventuriere]

Rivain seems too easy, I am afraid. A peaceful seaside nation with good food and the romantic adventures of Llomerryn and its pirates. I am not sure I have ever met anyone who disliked Rivain, and for that reason alone it cannot be a true favorite. To truly love one must struggle and come to appreciate the faults with the gifts, don't you think?

[motherfucking_ghost]

I can't say any of Thedas' countries--Thedas's...Thedaseses? Thedas' countries because I'm not exactly from here.

I can tell you what the best country of anywhere ever is though. USA! USA! USA! [yes. he is chanting it. he may be pumping his fist to it, too, but thank god visuals don't transmit...]

[aventuriere]

[ Freddie waits until the chanting has subsided. ]

Perhaps you might consider 'the countries of Thedas' next time. What is your USA like?

[unbrokenoath]

Fereldan, 'cause it's the home of Thedas' most valuable assets. Mabari, and me.

[aventuriere]

The inability or unwillingness of Fereldans to come up with anything at all to recommend their nation except dogs is truly remarkable. Is it that you are all utterly without imagination or that you are all realists who recognize that there simply is nothing else worth even attempting to say for it?

[inagutterson]

Well obviously not Orlais, I mean just listen to all the words coming out of your faceholes. [Too many words, Orlesian words, only good if you're going to be swindling other Orlesians honestly.] But I got punched there. The little cakes are good but I got punched.

Kirkwall was fine until they let the Fereldans in but they got dogshit everywhere because they roll in it like animals. We used to watch them do it. No manners. So...how d'you count Avvar holds? Because they're all different but they're not nations really, but they're brilliant.

[aventuriere]

And how are the little cakes in Avvar holds, pray tell?

[elegiaque]

Why would I need a second favourite?

( this from the young lady who has actively avoided opportunities to go back to orlais. )

[apologist]

For the sake of debate, choupinette. We cannot settle on an answer ourselves.

[slipshot]

Oh, I would have a very hard time making a list... I like Orlais, but I think it would be more enjoyable to visit if Elves weren't having to deal with the whole... second class, often murdered, probably a servant... thing.

I actually really enjoyed Kirkwall. Mostly because Varric kept me from dying. And he's great.

[degenere]

You like it because you were kept from dying there. And how is it, then, that you are so alive here in Skyhold? Surely you are being kept from death. Should we not credit the Maker's good grace instead? No: being kept from death cannot be your sole recommendation for Kirkwall.

Monsieur, you must at least try to engage us. Overcome your proclivities.

[doneisdone]

It is not Orlais. Like most Orlesian scholars, you are wasting everyone's time and taking up space that could easily be filled by a flock of inbred cockatiels without anyone noticing the difference.

[apologist]

I am not sure if that would make the University more colorful, or less.