A SURVEY

[aventuriere]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Baroness Frédérique Durfort-Lacapalette, Brother Jehan Mercier, and Valentine Nicasius Maxence Mérovée Olivier de Foncé
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Important questions
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Please threadjack

Inquisition, we have a question for you.

[ DO NOT SILENCE YOUR CRYSTALS. That is an Orlesian voice, but it is not Val de Foncé's voice. Instead, it is the voice of a woman, which makes it immediately superior. You are probably safe. Maybe. Keep listening. ]

You see, we are scholars. The best of scholars! And this Inquisition, it offers the most magnifique opportunities to learn more of this world and we, my friends, we are here to take on that most noble challenge!

We are conducting a study. [ From the tavern. ] Which of Thedas' nations is your favorite? Le plus fantastique? [ A pause, some murmuring reminder while the crystal is covered with a hand. ] You may not say Orlais, and you must explain why, pour l'étude.

[ HERE is Val’s voice. Please keep listening. ]



You may not say Orlais because we already know that it is Orlais. We have been to Orlais, many times. [ A voice cuts in, dry: ] We are even from Orlais, in case you had not guessed. [ From, you know. The really obvious accents. ] For this, we seek other answers. Answers that are more diverse. Perhaps it is better to say second best? Second favorite? With, naturally, Orlais being the favorite. We are, you see, all in disagreement.

It is threatening to tear us apart, when we have only just been brought back together.

Yes, because you are wrong. If you would cease to be so wrong, we would not be torn apart!

No, you are-- Ah, courage, my friends! We must not be torn apart. [ There is some shuffling and oofing. It is possible that arms are being thrown about shoulders and necks are being squeezed. ] Inquisition, we turn to you, on behalf of our reunion, and the great Baroness Haut-Brion.

If you answer our question we will permit you to call her Freddie.

You will permit nothing, but I may permit it, if your answers are particularly clever.

Also, for a bet-- [ Should Chantry Brothers make bets? Shh. Should Chantry Brothers pause while speaking to drink wine? Shhhhh. ] How many times per day is it reasonable to pray? Suppose that you are also reasonably faithful.

Suppose that you are a madman, a holy madman--

And that you desire nothing more than to be Andraste's second husband and like Maferath to be cuckolded by the Maker himself--

[ Should Chantry brothers dump wine over the heads of their friends? Shhhhhhhhh. ]

Comments

[degenere]

A moment, mademoiselle.

Alistair? The Alistair who Ferelden exiled, and so lost? That Alistair? Or is there perhaps another well-known Alistair that you mean to reference?

[aventuriere]

Has that Alistair not spent most of his time in Orlais of late? Or so I have heard. Perhaps his taste, like my wine, improves with age.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

Oh they didn't exile him. They just asked that he not be king.

Which was fine because he didn't want to be king.

To be fair we've both spent a great deal of time in Orlais. You have the most darkspawn.

[aventuriere]

We have so much more land than anyone else, naturally it would come with more darkspawn. But even so, the Anderfels is certainly the worst in that regard. It is one of many reasons it is a terrible place that should not be anyone's fifth favorite, let alone their second.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

Does it count as land if a big part of it is desert? Well, you still conquered it so I suppose it does.

Although I have to agree. The Anderfels is really not the best. They have very nice statues and their fortresses are extremely sturdy but that is it.

[degenere]

Your pardon. Why would a desert not count?

[sunshinethroughgrey]

Be-cause hardly anyone lives in the desert?

[degenere]

Ah. So where you are from, they esteem land only by the people that live upon it. Mademoiselle, that is quite reductive.

[justice_is_blond]

...That's it.

Really.

First opportunity we have, I'm taking you to see the beauty of it.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

You mean before or after they try to assassinate us for going against the Warden kings?

[justice_is_blond]

During, of course. Like I'd ever be short on people trying to assassinate me. This just adds to the excitement.

[justice_is_blond]

I beg your pardon. It's warm, unlike these blightedly cold lands, and it's far more beautiful than mud and muck.

[aventuriere]

Than mud and muck, perhaps, but that is a very low bar, sir. It is a blasted desert, and not the kind that is deadly but beautiful, such as we have in the west. It is all rocky and Blighted with hot, noxious winds that blow grit into your eyes.

[justice_is_blond]

You've not seen the right parts, clearly. It's the definition of deadly but beautiful throughout much of it, especially where I grew up. Stunning and stark, full of hidden life and dangers.

[aventuriere]

Ah, the natural affection of a native. [ She says as if that explains a great deal. But curiosity doesn't end there. ] What part are you from, sir? What hidden life resides there?

[byblow]

[ Sighs. ]

Ah—no. I'm not allowed to go back. But they were pretty nice about it.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

[... Wait a moment here.]

Alistair, we've been to Fereldan. Several times. In fact more than several times.

[byblow]

Yes, let's announce that as publicly as possible.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

Oh Maker. Alistair! [Exasperation mixed with fondness mixed with worry.]

Are you going to be in trouble now? Should I go speak to someone?

[byblow]

If you'd like to go petition the Queen—

[ Rising intonation there, be my guest implied.

But: ]

Don't. It's fine.

[aventuriere]

Excuse me, not to interrupt this fascinating insight into current political relations but you are the Alistair?

[unbrokenoath]

Nah, we pulled him outta a discount bin. Half-priced Alistairs, just a little off model.

The nose is a little off, but we all figured it'd do.

[byblow]

Ah--

[degenere]

The.

[byblow]

Every Alistair is the Alistair to someone, probably.