therookery | A SURVEY

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Baroness Frédérique Durfort-Lacapalette, Brother Jehan Mercier, and Valentine Nicasius Maxence Mérovée Olivier de Foncé
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Important questions
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Please threadjack

Inquisition, we have a question for you.

[ DO NOT SILENCE YOUR CRYSTALS. That is an Orlesian voice, but it is not Val de Foncé's voice. Instead, it is the voice of a woman, which makes it immediately superior. You are probably safe. Maybe. Keep listening. ]

You see, we are scholars. The best of scholars! And this Inquisition, it offers the most magnifique opportunities to learn more of this world and we, my friends, we are here to take on that most noble challenge!

We are conducting a study. [ From the tavern. ] Which of Thedas' nations is your favorite? Le plus fantastique? [ A pause, some murmuring reminder while the crystal is covered with a hand. ] You may not say Orlais, and you must explain why, pour l'étude.

[ HERE is Val’s voice. Please keep listening. ]

You may not say Orlais because we already know that it is Orlais. We have been to Orlais, many times. [ A voice cuts in, dry: ] We are even from Orlais, in case you had not guessed. [ From, you know. The really obvious accents. ] For this, we seek other answers. Answers that are more diverse. Perhaps it is better to say second best? Second favorite? With, naturally, Orlais being the favorite. We are, you see, all in disagreement.

It is threatening to tear us apart, when we have only just been brought back together.

Yes, because you are wrong. If you would cease to be so wrong, we would not be torn apart!

No, you are-- Ah, courage, my friends! We must not be torn apart. [ There is some shuffling and oofing. It is possible that arms are being thrown about shoulders and necks are being squeezed. ] Inquisition, we turn to you, on behalf of our reunion, and the great Baroness Haut-Brion.

If you answer our question we will permit you to call her Freddie.

You will permit nothing, but I may permit it, if your answers are particularly clever.

Also, for a bet-- [ Should Chantry Brothers make bets? Shh. Should Chantry Brothers pause while speaking to drink wine? Shhhhh. ] How many times per day is it reasonable to pray? Suppose that you are also reasonably faithful.

Suppose that you are a madman, a holy madman--

And that you desire nothing more than to be Andraste's second husband and like Maferath to be cuckolded by the Maker himself--

[ Should Chantry brothers dump wine over the heads of their friends? Shhhhhhhhh. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[There are worse names, like you will always be Dipper or possibly some sort of salad if he's hungry and he gets your full name.]

Well depends on who you ask. Some folk say you need to slather up a bronto in butter to do it but I mean, greasing a nug is hard enough though I bet you've never done that but I've got over two dozen if you fancy having a shot, so imagine doing that to something the size and temper of one of those. Or folk say slather yourself. Or a mage. Heard about doing it half honey mustard but that seems like a lot of waste.

There's a song. Or, well, you'd call it a song if you were a crab I reckon. A lot of moaning into a shell. Lie flat on your back as the tide goes in and out so it almost covers you, think deep thoughts and I mean literally deep thoughts, deeper than the bottom of a well or a hole right down in the world and maybe up they'll come.

How interesting.

[And disgusting. And intriguing. And possibly not worth it, but then again, only possibly--]

Which is it you recommend, for the buttering? I've left honey mustard off from my list already, at your word, my friend. The moaning should not be so difficult--I have heard my share of it. Not from a crab, of course, but all the same. It is the buttering that concerns me most.

I like a glaze, me. But that's apparently the fancy side and what happens when you know them from the Coterie, Rivain, and the Halamshiral alienage. Does need to be something interesting though, something with a bit of a kick to it yeah because, like, it's a crab. You ever seen a crab with a nose?

Something good and pungent, bit of spice won't hurt. Good roll in the sand too because you can't just go standing out like a sore thumb and well, it's Kirkwall. Still a lot of demons might come after you. How fast d'you reckon you could run all buttered up if a rage demon was trying to set your arse on fire?

[That's actually a sincere question since you're a scholar. Apparently. He will confer with Gwenaelle and Lex on this matter.]

[There's a expectant pause in answer. Then Val realizes: oh, hang on, that's a question--]

Quite fast. I have done my share of running, both toward and away. Usually while carrying heavy things.

Are demons particularly attracted to pungent glazes in your experience? I cannot say I have known the same. Then again, I have not glazed myself very often.

[Gotta keep up. There will be a quiz, class is in session.]

Good, we'll need to test that though but I've a keg, mead, many fine nugs that can be a part of it.

What do they teach you? Nothing worth knowing I reckon - how to squint at a pot of piss and know if an old man is going to croak because you don't need to do the first to know the last, trust me. [Usually you hit them. Wait to see if they hit back.] Of course, rage demons like spicy ones that make your skin itch, desire demons are more for something you'd put on a pudding or a person if you're both of a mind. Pride demons are those weird fancy salad vinegar things. That's hard, not very successful, doesn't really qualify if you ask me but last time I weren't being asked.

I think you are describing medicine, with the pissing. Not my expertise, I am afraid, and better for everyone that it is so. But I am good at tests that involve running so, in that at least, I will be prepared.

Were you a sacrifice?

[There's a loud snorting noise. Half-offended, half a laugh.]

No. Got lots of brothers and sisters, only one of them weren't worth eating and he's with the rest of the Boneflayers now. The rest? Well you put them to use how you can.

But last time you weren't being asked. Last time you were buttered and oiled as-- not a sacrifice. But not a willing participant, either.

My friend, I can only conclude that you have lead a life perhaps more storied than my own. Good or bad stories.

S'called a bait and switch, because children are fuckin' stupid. Especially when you say you're going to go get big fat crabs if you slather yourself up good. I'm short but I've got bloody longer legs than a child. A dwarf child that is.

[Even elf kids are bigger than Yngvi.]

Feed me and I'll tell you some. [That's all you need to do, you don't even need to get him drunk you just need to throw food in and around his face.]

[Actually--]

What would I need to feed you? Nothing buttered, I hope. I think I have sworn off butter completely. And oil.

You could club together with another lad, he's got his heart set on watching me eat a whole boar but I'm not fussy, I'm from Kirkwall. I'll eat anything. 'cept dodgy pies from Starkhaven.

I wouldn't say I want to watch. Why does he want to watch?

Because it's his heart's desire as a rifter to watch a young dwarf eat, I'm going to make all his dreams come true because the spirit of generosity is all up inside me.

I suppose that does explain it. These rifters are all half mad. But, if you are amendable to a second guest, my friend, perhaps I will also observe.

If only to study the rifter's interest more closely.

A SURVEY

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yikes sorry this got buried :[

s'all good

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