A SURVEY

[aventuriere]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Baroness Frédérique Durfort-Lacapalette, Brother Jehan Mercier, and Valentine Nicasius Maxence Mérovée Olivier de Foncé
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Important questions
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Please threadjack

Inquisition, we have a question for you.

[ DO NOT SILENCE YOUR CRYSTALS. That is an Orlesian voice, but it is not Val de Foncé's voice. Instead, it is the voice of a woman, which makes it immediately superior. You are probably safe. Maybe. Keep listening. ]

You see, we are scholars. The best of scholars! And this Inquisition, it offers the most magnifique opportunities to learn more of this world and we, my friends, we are here to take on that most noble challenge!

We are conducting a study. [ From the tavern. ] Which of Thedas' nations is your favorite? Le plus fantastique? [ A pause, some murmuring reminder while the crystal is covered with a hand. ] You may not say Orlais, and you must explain why, pour l'étude.

[ HERE is Val’s voice. Please keep listening. ]



You may not say Orlais because we already know that it is Orlais. We have been to Orlais, many times. [ A voice cuts in, dry: ] We are even from Orlais, in case you had not guessed. [ From, you know. The really obvious accents. ] For this, we seek other answers. Answers that are more diverse. Perhaps it is better to say second best? Second favorite? With, naturally, Orlais being the favorite. We are, you see, all in disagreement.

It is threatening to tear us apart, when we have only just been brought back together.

Yes, because you are wrong. If you would cease to be so wrong, we would not be torn apart!

No, you are-- Ah, courage, my friends! We must not be torn apart. [ There is some shuffling and oofing. It is possible that arms are being thrown about shoulders and necks are being squeezed. ] Inquisition, we turn to you, on behalf of our reunion, and the great Baroness Haut-Brion.

If you answer our question we will permit you to call her Freddie.

You will permit nothing, but I may permit it, if your answers are particularly clever.

Also, for a bet-- [ Should Chantry Brothers make bets? Shh. Should Chantry Brothers pause while speaking to drink wine? Shhhhh. ] How many times per day is it reasonable to pray? Suppose that you are also reasonably faithful.

Suppose that you are a madman, a holy madman--

And that you desire nothing more than to be Andraste's second husband and like Maferath to be cuckolded by the Maker himself--

[ Should Chantry brothers dump wine over the heads of their friends? Shhhhhhhhh. ]

Comments

[justice_is_blond]

Maybe they're some sort of breed that likes it hot?

[degenere]

It's funny. I know a joke that begins remarkably similar.

[justice_is_blond]

What's hot and panting and covered in sweat?

[a beat.]

A Fereldan seeing the sun for the first time.

[degenere]

[Ohhhh here we go, Fereldan jokes. Which is to say, Val laughs.]

Ah. Very good, my friend. You know, they say a Ferelden laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it. The second a week later when he thinks he gets it. The third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

[justice_is_blond]

[Anders snickers.]

An Anders man walks into a bar in the Free Marches and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a Fereldan joke. In a stern voice, the man next to him informs him that the bartender is a Fereldan mercenary, known for taking out seventeen bandits at once, that the man in the corner is a Fereldan Templar, known for facing off against many demons, and that he himself is a Fereldan infantry man with a short temper. He asks the Anders if he really feels like telling the joke.

The Anders man considers before shaking his head and saying no, he'd rather not have to explain it three times.

[degenere]

I've heard that same joke with an Orlesian in the place of a man of Anders. I image many could say the same, of their own countrymen.

Except the Fereldens. The joke would not work so well if it was a Ferelden speaking to three Fereldens.

[justice_is_blond]

No it would not. But I'm not surprised you've heard it before.

[degenere]

The better a joke is, the more often it is heard.

[justice_is_blond]

Have you heard the one about the kind Templar?

[degenere]

I have not been so lucky. By all means, tell it.

[justice_is_blond]

Sorry, there isn't one.

[degenere]

[Nice. Val laughs.]

Cutting, my friend.

[justice_is_blond]

[He's so glad he got a laugh.]

The best jokes have a core of truth to them, I find.

[He no longer believes there are no kind templars at all, but most, in his experience, have been the opposite.]

[degenere]

Of course! Truth and conviction. Which is why the ones of Ferelden stupidity are so very funny.

Though I think the greatest danger from the Inquisition's Templars is only that one might be bored to death.

[justice_is_blond]

I like boring Templars. My ribs especially like boring Templars. May they all carry notes around that praise their country of origin.

[degenere]

Notes.

[Disgusted, Val scoffs.]

I cannot stand the thought of a man who carries notes.

[justice_is_blond]

Aren't you scholars?

[He's a little amused now.]

You don't take and carry notes?

[degenere]

Monsieur. You offend me.

Of course we make notations. We are, as you say, scholars. But do we carry long notes with the sole hope that one day we might find some opportunity to read our boring speech at length to a captive audience? No. Do we carry notes in the hope of proving others irrevocably wrong? Well--yes, a very little. But it is not the same.

You see, there are notes. And then there are notes. And the latter of these are carried by the sort of man all dearly wish to punch in the teeth.

[justice_is_blond]

[He chuckles.]

Of course. I apologize for the comparison. But he was prepared, and in some areas that counts for a great deal. And prepared in a non-violent way, despite being a Templar. That should get him a couple of points.

[degenere]

I am far more impressed with a man who can become prepared at the last moment. The art of quick thinking and acrobatic cleverness is far more useful in all arenas. A man who must warm up and perform exercises before action is no man at all.

[justice_is_blond]

Then clearly you've a task on your hands - teaching Norrington how to think quickly and be acrobatically clever. It's quite the challenge.

[degenere]

A challenge that I am not sure I have the patience for.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Oh my god. You guys are ridiculous. I could sit here all damn day. And then sell some tickets when some Fereldan dudes come to beat someone up for honor or whatever.

I have got to introduce you guys to hot dogs though. Once I figure out how they're made. Or what's in the mystery meat. Grill up a hot dog, on a nice fluffy bun, ketchup, mustard, oooo get some chili cheese up in that bitch, settle down with an ice cold beer and some kind of sporting event.

One of these days, we're gonna have a chef from a real and true Earth show up and start whipping out all the food you guys are missing out on.

[justice_is_blond]

Why do you grill it when it's already hot? Also, I believe I should note the Fereldans won't be beating you up for honor, it would be for their dog's honor. Or possibly for getting the mud muddy with other, not as proper, mud.

[degenere]

And is the mysterious meat, perhaps... dog?