A SURVEY

[aventuriere]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Baroness Frédérique Durfort-Lacapalette, Brother Jehan Mercier, and Valentine Nicasius Maxence Mérovée Olivier de Foncé
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Important questions
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Please threadjack

Inquisition, we have a question for you.

[ DO NOT SILENCE YOUR CRYSTALS. That is an Orlesian voice, but it is not Val de Foncé's voice. Instead, it is the voice of a woman, which makes it immediately superior. You are probably safe. Maybe. Keep listening. ]

You see, we are scholars. The best of scholars! And this Inquisition, it offers the most magnifique opportunities to learn more of this world and we, my friends, we are here to take on that most noble challenge!

We are conducting a study. [ From the tavern. ] Which of Thedas' nations is your favorite? Le plus fantastique? [ A pause, some murmuring reminder while the crystal is covered with a hand. ] You may not say Orlais, and you must explain why, pour l'étude.

[ HERE is Val’s voice. Please keep listening. ]



You may not say Orlais because we already know that it is Orlais. We have been to Orlais, many times. [ A voice cuts in, dry: ] We are even from Orlais, in case you had not guessed. [ From, you know. The really obvious accents. ] For this, we seek other answers. Answers that are more diverse. Perhaps it is better to say second best? Second favorite? With, naturally, Orlais being the favorite. We are, you see, all in disagreement.

It is threatening to tear us apart, when we have only just been brought back together.

Yes, because you are wrong. If you would cease to be so wrong, we would not be torn apart!

No, you are-- Ah, courage, my friends! We must not be torn apart. [ There is some shuffling and oofing. It is possible that arms are being thrown about shoulders and necks are being squeezed. ] Inquisition, we turn to you, on behalf of our reunion, and the great Baroness Haut-Brion.

If you answer our question we will permit you to call her Freddie.

You will permit nothing, but I may permit it, if your answers are particularly clever.

Also, for a bet-- [ Should Chantry Brothers make bets? Shh. Should Chantry Brothers pause while speaking to drink wine? Shhhhh. ] How many times per day is it reasonable to pray? Suppose that you are also reasonably faithful.

Suppose that you are a madman, a holy madman--

And that you desire nothing more than to be Andraste's second husband and like Maferath to be cuckolded by the Maker himself--

[ Should Chantry brothers dump wine over the heads of their friends? Shhhhhhhhh. ]

Comments

[elegiaque]

I suppose he did hit you very hard.

[inagutterson]

He did. I put some steak on it. And punched a strange tree in the alienage on my way. By the way, there's a really weird tree in the alienage now, gave it a good smack. For you.

[elegiaque]

What sort of 'weird' tree? How odd can a tree be?

( and then-- ) Well, thank you, though.

[inagutterson]

It wasn't the elf-tree. Only it was. But not the usual sort of elf-tree in an alienage nonsense, I've seen lots of those. I wrote to Melisende and Liadan, when they write me back I'll show you what they say. Oh and get this, no one had pissed on it.

[Dramatic pausing feels appropriate because like, one it's Yngvi and two, it's a tree in an alienage that no one has peed on yet.]

I mean I gave it a good solid smack. Whole flat of my hand. Felt a bit...thrummy? When you twang a bowstring? Just felt strange, not like I wanted to go all elfy and start prancing around it stripped starkers but definitely felt almost Kirkwallish. Suspiciously Kirkwallish.

[Taste the blood magic.]

Anything for you, m'Lady.

[elegiaque]

Anything? Because I know someone who could do with a smack in the mouth.

( she definitely means val. )

--how does a tree feel 'Kirkwallish'?

( diverted from her plot to get val punched in the face, she squints unseen at nothing in particular; )

How can a tree be new? Trees don't just happen.

[inagutterson]

Princess. Your grace. Lady and all the stars in the sky - anything. Name it.

[Allow him to deal with this man for you, he will combat roll into battle.]

Kirkwall was stuffed full of blood magic way before any of the new stuff went down, I know that much, used to find weird shit on our evening strolls. That tree felt like that a bit. Just-- something about it was off. And no new tree should be like that, that's why I hit it for you. Because I knew you would feel the same. Then I wrote to my lady bosses. Because they know elf tree stuff good.

[elegiaque]

Well, I'm curious now. Will you tell me if they write you back?

[inagutterson]

I'll go one better. I'll read the letter to you. Like I used to read your bulletins to the Boneflayers.

[His unwilling captive breakfast audience.]

[elegiaque]

I bet they appreciated that terribly.