Listen up. Few items.

You see someone with a green glowy thing in their hand, they may be capable of more than just a sick rave party. Well documented abilities include offensive energy expulsions and flash-shields, and a couple shard-bearers able to close rifts at a time. New documented abilities include those things, but more, and the ability to close a rift on their lonesome.

And if you also notice a rifter capable of phasing through solid objects, distorting time, blasting green lightning, ask yourself: is that rifter extremely handsome, well groomed, articulate, witty, smells nice, killer biceps? If those things apply, don't freak out, it's on purpose, and not a demon.

Second thing — if you find a rift you weren't expecting, take out a little piece of paper, or write on the back of your hand, the day and time you discovered it, and the day and time it was closed. And the day and time it opened, if you catch that, but we'll settle for the license plate. Forward all notes to Wysteria Poppell.

[ Shuffle shuffle paper sounds. ]

Last thing, uh. Hey, the world is round. Like it's a giant sphere, floating in space. Okay, that's all. Bye now.

[ A small, polite clearing of the throat. The voice is that of a young woman from the Marches. ]

Hello. My name is Maud Van Klerk, and I'm newly assisting the Seneschal with some recordkeeping. There are several entries for the purchase of various supplies for which the relevant forms are missing or unclear, and I am hopeful that one of you may recognize the purchase and be able to provide additional information. They are [ she reads from the stack ]:

• Yards of plain linen from Nevarra, numbered either ten or... ten hundred?
  
• Three nugs, and it specifies "average-sized and with all four limbs, of any color"
  
• A lute and a set of drums
  
• A pair of gloves of hardened gurgut skin and another of hardened tusket skin
  
• A bundle of Ghoul's Beard
  
• A whip, not barbed
  
• Two bottles of powdered bone

If you recognize any of these orders as your own or have a guess as to where they might have originated, I would appreciate your assistance. In any event, I look forward to making everyone's acquaintance. Thank you.

This is Fitz and Wysteria with— [ Fitz' voice, interrupted by a sudden muffled wooshing as the crystal's covered. A beat later and audibly resigned, ] — on behalf of Project Felandaris. We've been studying Rifters' connection to the Fade and possible connections between magic across worlds, but the information on record's a bit piecemeal and outdated. We need volunteers to help us gather more data.

You'll find a set of questions in your books shortly. Rifters, anyone with a rift shard or experience with Lyrium or magic, you'll be the most helpful. Anyone's welcome to discuss if they've got something useful to add, obviously, just— please stay on topic.

[ By which he means the useful topics and not the completely ridiculous ones that somehow made it to the final draft of the survey, but also: please don't draw dicks.

The survey, blessedly transcribed in Wysteria's pristine hand, instantly begins its tidy trek across the books' pages. ]

Questionnaire Section A
Of and Relating Specifically to the Rifter Population in the Gallows (Kirkwall, The Free Marches)

Question 1A. Conceptually, how familiar is the Fade and the Veil to you? Is there any similar thing (however minor the resemblance) in the place from which you came?

Question 1A.(i). If yes, is energy drawn and/or emitted from it? Cognizant beings (spirits, full bodied manifestations similar to a Rifter, and so on)?
Question 2A.(i). Does "magic" exist in your world?

Question 2A.(ii).(a). If "magic" exists in your world, is it somehow tied to or sustained by that other space?
Question 2A.(i).(b). If "magic" exists in your world and there is no such alternative dimension as referenced in Question 1A., from where does it originate?

Question 3A. Given the opportunity to objectively estimate your own physical conformation and comeliness against the general populace of the world from which you came, where on a scale of one through ten might you be ranked (for the purposes of this survey, please consider the numerical score of five (5) as average for your home world)?

Questionnaire Section B
Rift Anchors, with Respect to All Who Presently Possess Them

Question 4B. How long have you had your rift shard?

Question 5B. Are you able to perform any supernatural acts with the power of your rift shard beyond closing Rifts? If yes, please detail these abilities.

Question 6B. Do you have any other abilities, such as mage talent? If so, has the presence of the rift shard affected your ability whatsoever (please note whether this is a negative or a positive effect)?

Question 7B. Have you experienced discomfort from your rift anchor being separated from others like it (such as on an extended mission, et cetera)?

Question 7B.(i). If yes, how long did this discomfort take to manifest?
Question 7B.(ii). What caused the discomfort to be alleviated? Being near a Rift, the presence of other rift shards?

Question 8B. At what point would you take surgical measures to rid yourself of your anchor shard?

Question 8B.(i). Would you permit scientific observation of the process?
Question 8B.(ii). Would you permit samples to be taken from the limb?

(PLEASE NOTE that the authors of this survey do not advocate for preemptive amputation unless strictly recommended by a trusted medical professional.)

Questionnaire Section C
Magical Miscellany

Question 9C. Please define and describe Lyrium.

Question 10C. Please describe how Lyrium is refined, by whom, and for what purpose.

Question 11C. Specific to Thedas native mages: Given the opportunity to objectively estimate your own physical conformation and comeliness against the general populace of Thedas where on a scale of one through ten might you be ranked (for the purposes of this survey, please consider the numerical score of five (5) as average)?

Alright, I'm just going to say it: whoever was fucking in camp last night, you're disgusting. And you're also much louder than you think you are, so I'm sure I speak for basically everyone here when I say for the love of Andraste stop.

[ A pause, as if she might be done. But on second thought, no. ]

I just don't even understand. I thought I had low standards, but you make me look like the fucking Maker. The alley behind the Bloody Racket is cleaner and safer than this fucking jungle. Do you not have a nose? Or even eyes? Have you looked at your fingernails? Have you seen the bugs here? If you won't stop for all of us who are already trying to sleep over the sound of monkeys and giant parrot-snakes and shit, then stop for your own health, fuck.

Right, so--is there anything that can be done to make a staff cool?

[Well.]

More deadly, like. If it needed to be used for offense. Or defense, even. S'ppose it wouldn't hurt if it looked cooler as well.

Hey. It's me.

[ A good pitch has a strong opener. ]

Project Felandaris is-- has  been back online. [ Time flies. ] We're dusting off the shelves, figuring out the feng shui, personalising our desks with adorable knickknacks. For the confused, here're the priorities as follows.

[ Papers rustle in a way that sounds suspiciously like he is just rustling some papers. ]

Rifts, shards, Rifters, shard-bearers. What are they? How are they? Can we get them anything? Like an extension on their deadlines? Hope springs eternal at Project Felandaris.

Esoteric items. Do you have one? Did you find one? Did you lick one? Be honest. If you did, submit a report. It's fun. Elves had some cool stuff, and so did dwarves. Arguably even cooler, not to be controversial, just inclusive. 

Uhhh new item. Development. That's the item. Riftwatch is uniquely situated to create new technologies that literally no one else in this universe can conceive of, and some of those esoteric items can be put to work, as can Rifter knowledge from their home turf. If you're in any way wired to find that interesting, let's talk about it.

I'm also looking for an assistant. Someone reliable, trustworthy, neat penmanship, doesn't mind friendly overtures like obscure nicknames that may or may not just naturally occur over the course of a conversation.

[ Another deliberate paper rustle. ]

Oh, and if you happen to have an anchor-shard lodged in your hand and you use it to blast energy at bad guys, I got something for you. If you have an anchor-shard lodged somewhere more interesting, you get nothing, but tell me about it.

Questions below in the comments.

Bye.

[ The following is what occurs when a bored teenager waiting for her quarantine period to be over realizes she has unfettered access to her superiors and coworkers:]

Okay hear me out. So like, we have all of these people from other worlds here, right? And also we're supposed to be like this super badass spy organization or like some of us are. So we should totally just use all the slang from different worlds to make top secret spy phrases or whatever.

Like btws, high key creeping on this total milf, right, but then this totally ripped himbo walked in and I had to yeet myself out the window.

I mean like, obviously you gotta make it like mission appropriate or whatever, but I'm telling you, my dudes, it's totally a good idea. We even got like old dudes who can give you the hot trendy talk from when they were relevant.