therookery | Griffon gripes

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Freddie, Val, and Jehan (your favorites!)
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: A Griffon Grievance
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Can we say a group of griffons is called a grievance? A grievance of griffons?

Inquisition.

[This is Val. Don’t stop listening, his tone is grave and serious, which means what follows will be equally grave and serious.]

When one thinks of the noblest of creatures, beasts of the air, one must first and always think of griffons. The dragon, she has a certain unspeakable loveliness, a loveliness of her form, in all her savage glory, but if the word to meditate upon is nobility, then it is the griffon that comes first to mind. On this, we can all agree, yes?

So, then, tell to me: why complain about the smell? [ Because it is terrible! another accented voice says in the background, muffled. ] Yes, it is a pungent aroma. But nobly so. Less noble and far more worthy of complaint is the habit of the griffon of which books do not speak of: the habit of airborne thievery.

A whole ham, Inquisition.

[ Jeannot—who had his despondent face buried in a pillow, before this point—lifts his head to chime in. ]

A good ham. It tasted of hope. Or I imagine that it must have, before it was swallowed whole by a beast who did not even pause to appreciate it.

We ought to have been warned. And another thing—

And another thing! [ It's Freddie now, talking over Jehan, feel free to begin paying attention again. She sounds incensed, but also like she's probably putting it on a bit. ] Hair ribbons! If the beasts want my last good set of silk hair ribbons I would be more than happy to donate them to the cause of brightening up the horribly dull colors you chose for their tack, but I won't have them eaten! It shows an appalling lack of taste which would never have happened if these fine Orlesian creatures had been properly raised.

Perhaps it is not the tack that is the problem? Perhaps it is the color of the griffons themselves. The horrible grays, and duns - the griffons are surely desperate. I would be. Can you dye the feathers, do you think?

—I was going to say, [ Jehan continues, ] I think we are owed an explanation, as academics, for this reemergence of an extinct species. As well as a new ham. If we are given these things then perhaps we can offer ribbons and dye.

And if we offer these griffons ribbons, and dye, and perhaps the smallest piece of our ham - I will take the cut, my friends - perhaps then the griffons will find themselves more kindly disposed to us. And by us I mean me. [If Val sounds a little sulky, that’s because he is.] What an unkindness. I will stoop to bribery if I must, griffons.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A finch and a house-cat, you said. Monsieur, you have made false representation of your griffon knowledge.

Hardly.

[Yes, that was a very mature-sounding raspberry being blown. What of it?]

Do you honestly think that Griffons are the same on every single planet out there?

I would not know. I know the griffons of Thedas, the very ones of which we now speak.

Yes. And you seem to have a problem with the fact that I met them. Which I don't understand. Especially since you're complaining about how they're treating you.

I have no problem with the griffons, truly. Nor do I have a problem with you. But I am offended, monsieur, that you would enjoy such a proximity to these griffons when your credentials are but the words of your mouth.

Ah, well, there's a simple explanation to that one. You haven't met me. The Griffons were quite accepting of me. I think if anyone should be offended, it should be them.

And why should they be offended?

Because you're not exactly showing them a lot of respect here. Putting the blame on them for doing things that Griffons just do.

Your pardon. I was not aware that the griffons had sending crystals, that they might listen in on this conversation. Or the ability with which to comprehend it. Tell me, do all griffons possess such abilities, or only the griffons of Thedas?

Please. Even if they could, it wouldn't matter. The attitudes you express here are the attitudes you have towards Griffons. Or do you think animals are so beneath you that they can't pick up on such thing?

Am I not justified in mourning the loss of my ham?

[So many things he wants to say...]

You are not justified in acting like a petulant child about a situation you could have prevented.

Really.

And in your infinite wisdom, o learned man of the Rift, tell me: how would I have prevented a griffon from swooping down from the very air to take a ham from my hands as I crossed a courtyard? Should I perhaps have asked some mage to divine out the fate of my ham before transporting it?

Why were you carrying a partly eaten ham across the courtyard?

[After all it tasted of hope. Clearly part of it had been eaten.]

To continue eating it elsewhere. Why else?

But, it had to have been a large sized ham. So I'm still confused about why.

I am confused as to why you are confused. It was a large ham. It was partly eaten. To abandon such succulent leftovers would be foolish. So it was carried to a place where the rest of it could be eaten.

It is very simple, and not altogether uncommon. You would treat any ham the same, I would hope.

Well, not if I were worried about wild animals about, I wouldn't.

And so each time I walk, I should think to myself: what do I have to lose, if there is a wild animal that might take it from me?

Don't be ridiculous. Not just wild animals. There are all kinds of bad sorts out there. Robbers, for instance.

Robbers, in Skyhold. Are we not all members and associates of this Inquisition? What's more, I could fend off a robber.

Petty theft exists everywhere.

And your solution is to go nowhere at all? Or simply to swallow our displeasure if we are assaulted by robbers and wild creatures while on our way from one room to another?

If a griffon stole my ham from my rooms, would I be more allowed to feel troubled, or less?

I never said any of that. All I am saying is that when there are younglings around, their species doesn't matter and you should take the same precautions you would take to protect your items from any younglings.

You are maddening. Should I always be prepared to be thieved for food, by any younglings that might be hanging about? I will never eat again. I will certainly never walk anywhere with food in my hand. And when they ask, why I am starving, I will tell them that the learned Rifter instructed me to beware.

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