Griffon gripes

[aventuriere]

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Freddie, Val, and Jehan (your favorites!)
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: A Griffon Grievance
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Can we say a group of griffons is called a grievance? A grievance of griffons?

Inquisition.

[This is Val. Don’t stop listening, his tone is grave and serious, which means what follows will be equally grave and serious.]

When one thinks of the noblest of creatures, beasts of the air, one must first and always think of griffons. The dragon, she has a certain unspeakable loveliness, a loveliness of her form, in all her savage glory, but if the word to meditate upon is nobility, then it is the griffon that comes first to mind. On this, we can all agree, yes?

So, then, tell to me: why complain about the smell? [ Because it is terrible! another accented voice says in the background, muffled. ] Yes, it is a pungent aroma. But nobly so. Less noble and far more worthy of complaint is the habit of the griffon of which books do not speak of: the habit of airborne thievery.

A whole ham, Inquisition.

[ Jeannot—who had his despondent face buried in a pillow, before this point—lifts his head to chime in. ]

A good ham. It tasted of hope. Or I imagine that it must have, before it was swallowed whole by a beast who did not even pause to appreciate it.

We ought to have been warned. And another thing—

And another thing! [ It's Freddie now, talking over Jehan, feel free to begin paying attention again. She sounds incensed, but also like she's probably putting it on a bit. ] Hair ribbons! If the beasts want my last good set of silk hair ribbons I would be more than happy to donate them to the cause of brightening up the horribly dull colors you chose for their tack, but I won't have them eaten! It shows an appalling lack of taste which would never have happened if these fine Orlesian creatures had been properly raised.

Perhaps it is not the tack that is the problem? Perhaps it is the color of the griffons themselves. The horrible grays, and duns - the griffons are surely desperate. I would be. Can you dye the feathers, do you think?

—I was going to say, [ Jehan continues, ] I think we are owed an explanation, as academics, for this reemergence of an extinct species. As well as a new ham. If we are given these things then perhaps we can offer ribbons and dye.

And if we offer these griffons ribbons, and dye, and perhaps the smallest piece of our ham - I will take the cut, my friends - perhaps then the griffons will find themselves more kindly disposed to us. And by us I mean me. [If Val sounds a little sulky, that’s because he is.] What an unkindness. I will stoop to bribery if I must, griffons.

Comments

[degenere]

That all depends on the herbs with which they have been roasted. Which are griffons partial to, do you think? We must eliminate those from the kitchens, out of safety. Necessity.

[ichaer]

Their tastes are just as varied as their personalities, I'm afraid. One might enjoy rosemary and thyme while another might wish for basil and green onions. Butterball would likely just eat them whole so I am not too worried about him.

[degenere]

Really. And how is it you know the griffons so well, mademoiselle? You weren't perhaps adopted by one and raised as its own? I hear that is the rage these days.

[ichaer]

Adopted by a griffon? Oh, no. I was adopted by horses myself. Griffons are rather like them in a way but truly this is simply another result of those famous Warden secrets.

[apologist]

—but, truly, you cannot expect us to do away with all spices to prevent attracting your—little monsters.

[ She said it first, he's not being rude! Surely. ]

[ichaer]

[ shock and horror!! ] Dear sir, I am offended you would think I would suggest such a thing.

Unfortunately the Wardens of Ages past did not think to include a section on 'how to keep creatures, once thought extinct but not really, from stealing hams and other foodstuffs' so this is a bit of a learning process for the lot of us.

[apologist]

[ LEARN FASTER ]

The Wardens of Ages Past did leave you the ability to requisition goods, non? You might requisition hams for them so they have no need of ours.

[ichaer]

Oh, you know, that's a good idea.

... Not us doing that, of course but rather this is them expressing their own ability to requisition goods. Really catch on quick, the little feathery menaces.

[apologist]

This will not help your order's reputation.

[ichaer]

Would it be more or less helpful than the darkspawn Magister from the dawn of time taking over?

[ a beat. ] Also the whole taking over an entire country.

[apologist]

It is not helpful at all. Less harmful, perhaps, but before any of this there was still resentment among the people that you may take what you like.

[ichaer]

Those treaties are a real pain in the ass with all their fancy words and all those free passes. [ Hmm. ] Perhaps we should get together, write up an amendment concerning lifting away these hope filled hamds but only the good ones that include a nice side of potatoes.

Otherwise you potato-less heathens are on your own.

[apologist]

Such callous disregard for the people you claim to protect.

[ Now he's joking. Mostly. ]

[degenere]

Ah. Now this, I know to be a lie, mademoiselle.

Horses would not adopt.

[ichaer]

Most horses would not adopt. Most horses are also not like my Kelpie.

Which is a damn shame since she is the best horse in Thedas.

[degenere]

Really. And by what rubric to you measure your horses, mademoiselle?

[ichaer]

By simple fact. [ duh. ]

[degenere]

And from where do these facts come? There must be a source.

[ichaer]

The absolute best source: me, of course.

[degenere]

Ah. And you are unbiased, of course.

[ichaer]

Of course! I hold high regards for horses and am forever grateful for coming to possess her as I did. There couldn't be a better horses because they simply do not exist.

[degenere]

On that I must beg to differ. Unless, of course, your horse is a horse of Orlais. In which case, I will agree most heartily.

[ichaer]

Then I expect to hear such because she is a horse of Orlais. I was in the country for quite some time, after all but I am glad for it since I was able to find her.

[degenere]

I will not break my word! A horse of Orlais! Where did you come by her? I will confess, of all the trappings of my youth that I have rejected, I cannot quite bring myself to reject horses. They are too noble and fine a creature for rejection.