therookery | The worst sort of would you rather for doglords, probably

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The worst sort of would you rather for doglords, probably

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Yngvi
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: An important question for doglords/people with dogs, everyone else can chime in
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Just Yngvi in general? Probably language. Feel free to threadjack.

I have a question. [And so goes the dramatic pause. Or just the general pause as Yngvi remembers what the question even was in the first place.] S'pose it's for the dirty doglords among you but if you've got a dog you can answer, or if you feel like making a guess, I'm not some sad little scholar but I want to know the answer.

D'you reckon a Fereldan would make a dog pie if there was nothing else to eat? Or would they starve first and let the dog eat?

[Christine you're welcome.]

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A dog is a dog is a dog, they're such a bunch of tits about it. It's a fucking dog get over it.

I'm pretty sure most of them would eat their friends. I saw them eating cats and I'll eat a lot of things but I wouldn't eat a cat.

Why, too scrawny and too much hair? [another doglord reporting for duty]

No, you're getting confused with teenage doglords mate. And cat's are useful. D'you know how many rats there were in Darktown once the doglords ate them all?

Just means more rats to eat.

I can't speak for my fellow Fereldans, especially those with the preternaturally intelligent mabari, but as for other dogs? In the end, they're merely animals. Should starvation truly set in, I might be driven to eat my own. But all other alternatives at that point would have been considered.

I'd much rather eat a cat first, though. What brought about this morbid line of questioning?

Don't eat Kirkwall rats. They're royalty. Never seen a rat king like one of them in all your years, board the tunnels tight lest you go blind seeing their court. Not for human eyes or elves. Grey folk can't wedge themselves down there but me and mine, we have an understanding.

They're not that smart. Still piss on the floor and don't think to blame it on someone else. Still roll in any sort of shit they'll find. Still just big dogs. Bigger and uglier and even smellier than any other dog I've ever met.

Helping out the folks doing the supplies for jobs in tight spots since I've been in lots of tight spots in the past and I know plenty about observing doglords.

[Christine wanted to know but didn't want to ask, so Yngvi's asking for her.]

Kirkwall rats are likely to be terribly scrawny. Just look at Anders.

[Please enjoy the silence. It's rare. Rare as tits on a nug.

Now there's an image for you.]

That's outrageous slander, what sort of scrub are you? About the rats because they have courts you could only dream of.

I'm...sure they do. Rats. Yes. I hear the nugs have less fancy but still respectable courts.

Don't put ideas in the heads of my children for they are many and pink and furious.

I can't say I've ever seen a furious nug, but I can't imagine they would be anything more than a mere inconvenience.

See how you like it when I set Stroganugg, Nugg Wellington and Rump Roast on you with the rest.

[But not Truffles because Truffles is delicate and kind of useless beyond flopping.]

[Malcolm is a very serious though occasionally sarcastic Seeker in a serious position where he definitely does not have snarky side conversations with a bullshit artist and definitely doesn't laugh like a boy at the names of the nugs.

Okay, maybe he's laughing, but. it's a manly laugh.]

They...they sound like delicious little warriors.

I'd not eat a cat either, and I've felt extreme hunger. But I think many draw a line there. Mabari do seem to be minutely more intelligent than the other dogs, though considering dogs, that's still rather low on the scale.

Same. [Not volunteering more but he's been hungry enough that eating made it worst.] I've met one dog worth the time but he was the exception, not the rule. But I mean, s'not saying much though, 'minutely'. What, like, there's a minutely larger chance you'll live if you've had your head taken most of the way off instead of all the way off?

[What does it say when the dogs are probably smarter than the people? Because it is harder to cheat the dogs.]

There is, if you've a healer of my skill nearby.

[Idle bragging is the best bragging, in his opinion.]

I've met very, very few dogs who were worth any time. But if they keep the Fereldans watching things foll in the mud instead of rolling in the mud themselves, especially with open wounds, then I can approve of there being some around.

So...say I brought someone to you. In that condition. Would you put money on it? Or other stuff?

[Like theoretically if Yngvi wants to practice swinging beartraps at people. For science.]

Isn't that a bath though? Rolling in mud or dogshit or both? I'm pretty sure that's what passes for a bath for that lot.

[...Yeah, that's not a promising question.]

I don't bet on patient's lives. I'm good, and I do all I can. If you bring someone that injured to me, they've a shot still.

...And thankfully my Fereldan knows that water is how one bathes. He's better than many, in that regard and a multitude of others. His mabari is even tiny.

Don't bet on-- don't be boring, it's half throwing halla piss and half wiggling your fingers. I was there when-- [power through, you got this champ, stiff upper lip like all the rest of the Carta punched onto your face] Asher was dying, I know what goes on. Got to do something before you're testing remedies on yourselves, turning your tongues green.

...Did he get it off a dwarf with a squint, three scars down the nose that might've been from an exceptionally feisty Coterie crier? Because if so, well I've got some disappointing news for your pet Fereldan. [Like he assumes. Because he heard 'my Fereldan' so he's guessing this is a charming pet or some quaint nonsense.]

With the non-mage healers there's plenty of that. I'm a spirit healer. I know what I'm doing. There are some things we cannot fix or change. And then there are other things that can be dealt with. I've healed a great many traumatic injuries.

[He'd say it was a specialty if not for how frequently he's had to deal with STIs.]

And no. I got it, I know what mabari look like thanks to working with some people who have them, and my... [Anders chuckles.] My pet Fereldan is nobility. He knows what a mabari looks like as well. This is a mabari, only smaller than usual.

I know what potions and poultices and whatever shite you lot are involved with smells like, I know there's piss and other stuff in there.

[Gunnar's an alchemist, Yngvi's watched him working with some pretty terrible things. Some of them potentially jizz. Who knows, Yngvi just drank what he had to drink during the practice years because that's what brothers do same as how Yngvi asked him to help him lay traps.]

That sounds even more pointless than a normal mabari. At least they're good for eating someone. I remember Bronson just taking the leg off a guy and Asher would shrug and say fine because y'know dinner. I mean maybe it could nibble a finger. A nose. Throw it right at the crotch and it'll rip off the dick.

Did you perhaps have a habit of getting stung by things that were particularly nasty? Otherwise, the healers you know might not have been the most reputable.

[He takes pride in his work. Some people might resort to that add a filler, but as a mage who can make ice and melt it for clean water, he's got an advantage.]

Never underestimate how vulnerable someone's ankles are. Or shins. Something small can be devastating, while producing fat less drool than the normal sizes do.

I have more relations than you've had hot dinners. [That explains more than it probably ever actually needs to because Yngvi really does have relatives crawling out of every nook and cranny in Kirkwall.] We had each other and then whatever folk amongst us that studied alchemy for whatever slapping some ale into you wouldn't mend and I'm sure you know that slapping ale into a dwarf mends most things.

[You don't pour it in. You slap it in. You need a measure of violence with it to get the job done.]

What if you want to drown your enemy? I still maintain that a mate no longer with the Inquisition is going to drown when his mabari slobbers over him when it finally decides it's going to eat him. Plus I've met some folk who do that and call it kissing.

...That's not actually that hard, considering.

[His voice is very dry. Hot dinners are far more common here than they have been at any other point in his life since he was 12.]

And I feel that it would take a mabari too long to produce enough drool for actual death by drowning. They can offer only misery there, nothing of any practical use unless you wish to annoy someone into leaving.

I ate sticks. And dirt. And the siblings I didn't like.

[So airily because he's a dwarf from Darktown, is anyone going to put that last one past him?]

Clearly you weren't around Jayne long enough to know just how much he slobbered, which is fortunate, really, because you could drown a small child. Not that folk would let me try, always got it back to the parent before I got to test that bit because they're boring like that.

At least you had siblings to eat. Some of us didn't.

[His voice is pure amusement. Dwarves having multiple siblings is pretty laughable, and he knows how to spot a jest.]

I went out on an outing or two with Malcolm and his owner.

[Also very amused.]

There was a lot of slobber. And then, apart from what Malcolm was doing with Merrill, we can talk about Jayne's slobber too.

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