I. OPEN.

[liberalum]

FORM: Sending crystal.
SENDER: Dorian Pavus and some fans.
RECIPIENT: Everyone.
WHAT: Karma.
WHEN: Guardian 18.
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: I won't actually action this one out, but we can work out by arrangement if your character would in fact like a chicken, but most will go to the barn despite this offer. Dorian just wants people to remove them. ;-;

[ Clearly, this message is being sent on slight impulse, a certain degree of stress and despair in his tone despite being delivered, initially, with somewhat sarcastic cheer. ]

It appears I have come into a sudden wealth of--

[ A brief pause, a struggle, not really wanting to say it. ]

--poultry. Livestock.

[ In the background, the gentle clucking of perfectly content chickens makes for a background to Dorian's clipped syllables, clenched teeth, the slight implication in his tone that he might laugh or cry or both, left unchecked. ]

Do come by if you would like one of these. Take as many as you can carry, you're welcome to them. They're not leaving, they just keep running back in, I swear they're following me around-- oh, look at this, just--! It laid an egg! In Nevarran satin! And feathers, everywhere, this coat was spotless, and now it looks like I've rolled around in a chicken--

[ This is the moment he realises why this is happening to him. ]

--coop. Well, I hope you're happy. [ Whether he's addressing a broody hen or Leliana is left to interpretation. ] But no, really, someone take them from-- no no no, get away from that--

[ Message ends. ]

Comments

[liberalum]

I see we have some birds of a feather, here.

[ His tone is that of aloof exasperation. It's hard out there, for a pimp. ]

No deal, I'm afraid. I'm redistributing most of them into the keep of the Inquisition for egg reasons, what with rich people having no idea what to do with money and such.

[harthad_uluithiad]

A few people might've, since you ask.

[ Mostly Beleth. ]

Now just what do you mean by that? What are you doing here, apart from giving away good chickens for no reason?

[ Dorian you make no sense at all ]

[liberalum]

[ ;-; ]

[liberalum]

[ Finally, someone who has a true sense of priority. ]

Too late for that, I'm afraid. If you've any known remedies for stains already set, I'd be happy to hear them.

[liberalum]

[ There's a really telling pause. ]

Yes. I knew that.

[ What the fuck, chickens. ]

[arlathvhen]

Well, I mean--Yes, to all of our ancestors.

[ Now she's a bit startled. He doesn't know...? Perhaps he's one of those Rifters. Beleth had never heard of Hobbiton, but she has never heard of the vast majority of places in Thedas, either. Either way, she is more than happy to let Sam know exactly what the situation is. The ancient calling of the Dalish, from the days of Arlathan: To never stop being salty. ]

The elves used to be immortal, at one with nature and had a natural magic. Then Tevinter went to war with the elves, and won. All the elves were imprisoned for many centuries. However, when the Alamari rebelled against Tevinter, we helped, and they were defeated. We earned our freedom, and left to establish our kingdom in the Dales.

Of course, then the Chantry sent an Exalted March against us and kicked us out, so now we either live in the city slums or live the nomadic life of a Dalish. Also, slavery still exists in Tevinter. They occasionally send slavers to come down and take more elves up there.

The wonderful lives of elves.

[ If she knew what it was and Sam could see, she would probably be making some jazz hands right about now. Have fun with that whole info dump, Sam. ]

[gatheringstorm]

And Leliana thought you needed chickens because...?

[liberalum]

I'm giving them away for perfectly adequate reasons. They involve the eggs laid amongst my books, amongst my smallclothes, and one in my boot.

[ Which he is pretty sure Leliana placed deliberately. ]

I'm here because I'm a part of the Inquisition, but I left because I'm a pariah amongst my countrymen, no matter what certain elves have to say about it. This is hardly the time to talk politics, I think--

[ There's the sound of a sudden flutter, and he manages not to yelp. Mutters kaffas, and moves on with; ]

Now, do you want these chickens I'm foolishly giving away, or no?

[liberalum]

Too many.

[ He is so offended. ]

And yes, I'm getting some lessons in chicken-egg economics. They're being taken to the barn, although a little help won't go amiss. Eggs for assistance.

[fightingale]

Truly? That is alarming to hear. Such duplicity is not hosted within Skyhold, I hope?

( so concerned

so so concerned )

[liberalum]

Because we're such good friends.

[ Droll for life. ]

I'd been admiring the awful racket of her monstrous birds above my library and made a comment to that effect, and now, here we are.

[mythalenaste]

Don't be ridiculous. Rich people have plenty of ideas what to do with money.

Ruined silks, though. Do you need help salvaging those?

[madame_de_fer]

Just have one sent over to the kitchens then, darling. There's no reason you shouldn't enjoy a pleasant meal if someone's been so gracious to gift you with fresh poultry.

[No really, why shouldn't Dorian enjoy a roast chicken tonight? The gift was given, it's now his to do with as he sees fit.]

[liberalum]

Please. [ Real relief. ] Contrary to popular assumption, I haven't that many clothing items to my name.

[ His standard of not many, anyway. ]

I'll be finding feathers in unexpected places for weeks to come.

[liberalum]

They're all different colours, actually. Red, grey, white-- oh, no, there're two brown ones, but I mean the big, plucky one.

[ombranera]

It is not as though many would mind you wandering about in only your skin. I know I would not.

[ Having more of him to admire? How terrible. ]

[gatheringstorm]

Tsk, Dorian. Never annoy the spymaster; I'm pretty sure that was in the orientation somewhere. You're lucky if it just ends here.

[scuzzy]

Ugh.

[ That's the sound of him leaving. He's done. Good-bye, kid, you are on your own.



But if she asks for money for the cleaning he might (might) remove her (her = Disembodied Voice) from his list of stupid people. ]

[el_tybs]

Nice variety of colors.

I can come over and pick her up soon if that would help. If you don't find anyone for the other one I could possibly take her as well.

[liberalum]

I do.

[ WHATEVER, ACTUALLY MYSTERIOUS DISEMBODIED VOICE. ]

If you'd be so kind, once I've finished re-establishing some order amongst the chaos.

[liberalum]

You're a dear man, even if your sense of humour runs cruel and perverse.

[liberalum]

Oh, undoubtedly. I've no intention of exacting any sort of revenge.

[ He sounds so convincing! And slightly too specific. ]

[liberalum]

Of course there was a draft, but then, there were inescapably drafts everywhere. Most of the holes are bricked up properly now, at least. But I've since staked a claim for a comfier corner.

[ There's a nice chair and everything. ]

I may need it, until the smell of barnyard has cleared away.

[liberalum]

Sounds like something only our resident spymaster could confirm or deny. Perhaps it was one of your scouts, or a requisitions officer mistakenly putting your order for more monstrously noisy birds with me instead of your collection.

[serannas]

Well, I'm used to sleeping outside, so having a room now is a nice change. No drafts there either.

[ She and Sabriel had worked to brick up the walls with their magic. ]

That is unlucky. You'll definitely need to air out the fabrics.