I. OPEN.

[liberalum]

FORM: Sending crystal.
SENDER: Dorian Pavus and some fans.
RECIPIENT: Everyone.
WHAT: Karma.
WHEN: Guardian 18.
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: I won't actually action this one out, but we can work out by arrangement if your character would in fact like a chicken, but most will go to the barn despite this offer. Dorian just wants people to remove them. ;-;

[ Clearly, this message is being sent on slight impulse, a certain degree of stress and despair in his tone despite being delivered, initially, with somewhat sarcastic cheer. ]

It appears I have come into a sudden wealth of--

[ A brief pause, a struggle, not really wanting to say it. ]

--poultry. Livestock.

[ In the background, the gentle clucking of perfectly content chickens makes for a background to Dorian's clipped syllables, clenched teeth, the slight implication in his tone that he might laugh or cry or both, left unchecked. ]

Do come by if you would like one of these. Take as many as you can carry, you're welcome to them. They're not leaving, they just keep running back in, I swear they're following me around-- oh, look at this, just--! It laid an egg! In Nevarran satin! And feathers, everywhere, this coat was spotless, and now it looks like I've rolled around in a chicken--

[ This is the moment he realises why this is happening to him. ]

--coop. Well, I hope you're happy. [ Whether he's addressing a broody hen or Leliana is left to interpretation. ] But no, really, someone take them from-- no no no, get away from that--

[ Message ends. ]

Comments

[fightingale]

( ever so even, while bordering dangerously close to cheerful: )

At least they cannot be accused of being fair-feather friends, I suppose.

( c: )

[liberalum]

[ HE'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER, LELIANA. And does. After replying to a handful of varying degrees of help; ]

Unlike some people I could mention.

[ The preciousness is just affected enough to not be taken too seriously. ]

[the_effect_she_has]

[...Huh.]

Do you mind if I kill them?

[liberalum]

[ Still distracted, still distressed, but he can't help a wry-- ]

Did they offend you personally?

[gatheringstorm]

...poultry.

[Sorry, Dorian, but the clucking sets her off. She gives into snickering, not even bothering to hide it.]

Well, someone's popular. Just how did this come about, hm? Do tell.

[liberalum]

Popular.

[ --he echoes, a slight laugh. Not quite hysterical, just yet. ]

I opened the door and there they were. I do have a culprit in mind, but I won't put Leliana's name out in the open lest someone retaliate on my behalf.

[ombranera]

[ Laughter. Helpless, hopeless, bright, blinding laughter that he'd feared he'd never have again. ]

[liberalum]

Well, I'm glad someone's having a fine afternoon.

[arlathvhen]

[ Leliana gets +10 approval. Beleth tries very hard to sound sympathetic when she speaks. Not really. ]

...Have you tried taking them to the barn--Of course, you might not have heard about that. If that's the case, I'd be happy to direct you.

[liberalum]

[ Oh, he dimly recognise that voice. That tone. As dry as the Hissing Wastes, yet perfectly in character; ]

Are you referring to that dirty wooden building where we keep the peasants and my horse? No need, I can follow the smell.

[el_tybs]

Chickens?

[He sounds rather amused by the fact that Dorian of all people has chickens or anything that would be in a barn.]

How did you get chickens?

... I might be interested in taking one.

[liberalum]

I didn't get chickens, they're just here.

[ In his room, on his stuff, through no fault of his own!!! ]

Take it. You can have the brown one, if it gets rid of her immediately. She keeps trying to get at my shoes.

[middle_of_calibrating]

They keep following you around? You don't say.

[Amused sarcasm right there, but not laughing. Not yet.]

Chickens do tend to follow cocks around.

[liberalum]

Uncalled for.

[ He doesn't, actually, sounds very offended. ]

They're exceedingly friendly, or very malicious.

[madame_de_fer]

[Laughter. There is melodious laughter from Vivienne. She doesn't even know who's responsible for this, but it's brilliant.

When she finally composes herself, she has an offer to make:]

You can have one sent to my table, my dear. I'm quite certain it can be properly dressed and seasoned by a qualified cook.

[liberalum]

[ Har dee har har. ]

There're petitions being made for them to live, but all this pecking is making me feel rather peckish.

[ And Vivienne can't eat a whole chicken by herself, after all. ]

[wickedchase]

Oh, but I would hate to break you away from your fan club.

[liberalum]

It's only fractionally more incessant clucking than I'm accustomed to.

[perseverances]

[Don't mind him. He's just laughing.]

I thought you didn't take your dinner home with you.

[liberalum]

Perhaps they mistook your room for mine, what with the lovely ceiling hole for flying purposes.

[ He knows they can't really fly. Probably. Maybe. ]

[harthad_uluithiad]

You've got chickens? And you're giving them away?

[ Sam is honestly bowled over. He doesn't know who this person might be, but he must be very rich indeed to have gotten so many chickens, and not need them.

He can't possibly be just giving them away, though, not for free. No one just gave away things like that, not all at once anyhow, and not to strangers. It must be a mistake. ]

Why I haven't seen any chickens since before we left Hobbiton! I - I don't have much, but I'd dearly love a hen of my own, for fresh eggs in the morning. I could - well, I'd offer vegetables from the garden, only those don't rightly belong to me, seeing as I've been gardening for the Inquisition and not my own larder as of late. I could give you some of the eggs though, once they've laid. I'd cook 'em up nice for you too, with salt and whatever seasonings I could find! You haven't had eggs til you've had eggs scrambled by Samwise Gamgee, and that's a fact!

[arlathvhen]

[ She doesn't know who this guy is but he is providing both reasonable commentary and another opportunity to take a shot at Dorian. ]

He's a Tevinter noble. I doubt he's ever had to bother with something as mundane as livestock.

[ I heard they prefer elf babies anyway!!! ]

But you're right, it's foolish to kill a hen before its stopped being able to lay. If you have a rooster, doubly so, because you could extend your population. Once it's stopped laying, then you can start thinking about it heading towards the pot. But as I said, this isn't the kind of thoughts proper for...someone so esteemed as he is.

[blightedson]

[He is trying really hard not to laugh.]

Do you need help?

[liberalum]

I know you want to laugh, I can hear it. [ Sighing; ] Go on, get it over with, and then come here and help me ensure I didn't miss an egg somewhere.

[serannas]

Perhaps you should just let a fox loose in your room to eat the chickens.

[ It's really all she can offer, because she's not taking any. ]

[liberalum]

Then I'd have a fox in my room and pieces of chicken. Tempting a solution though that might be, I'd sooner forfeit the space and go back to sleeping under a library desk.

[mythalenaste]

Don't just give them away, Dorian. Sell them or trade them, or their eggs. You're sitting on a gold mine.

[scuzzy]

Don't help stupid rich people.

[ Is he going to bother starting a new conversation or changing his voice or anything? Nah. ]

How many you got, messere?

(not here)

[keeperofmagi]

[Nerva doesn't laugh she just. Stares. At the crystal.

And then she goes and helps remove some of the chickens to the barn, with just this face: B| at Dorian when she spots him.

She knows this is somehow all your fault, Dorian.]

[liberalum]

[ ;-; ]

[aestimo]

Nevarran satin? Oh dear... you should hurry and make sure it doesn't stain!

[Emmie, priorities, really.]

[liberalum]

[ Finally, someone who has a true sense of priority. ]

Too late for that, I'm afraid. If you've any known remedies for stains already set, I'd be happy to hear them.

[dwarfing]

It should crush them.

[What, did you expect anything else?]

[liberalum]

Should it?

[ VERY uncertain, but must ask. ]

Should what, exactly?

[nofury]

Were they are thank you gift?

[liberalum]

[ Flatly; ] Something like that. I'm sure I'll be doing some thanking myself.

[lacere]

Sounds like you've found yourself in a pretty fowl situation, Dorian.

[she may or may not have been involved]

[el_tybs]

You shouldn't make fun of the man. This is no poultry subject.

[hlif]

I’d be up for taking a couple, I miss having a few feathery things around. Empty nest syndrome, you’ll need to watch for it yourself from the sounds of it.

[His squad would kill him. And laugh but they would murder him so hard.]

[liberalum]

You're welcome to them.

[ --at this stage, hysteria has bottomed out of his tone. If the Rifter up there isn't interested, then they'll go to the next keenest taker. ]

As for the state of my nest, I'm certain you needn't concern yourself.