[Crystal] [Open]

[mal_adjusted]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Mal Draco
RECIPIENT: The Inquisition
WHAT: Some thoughts on phylacteries, blood magic, and magic.
WHEN: After the end of Phylactery Shenanigans
WHERE: The Gallows
NOTES: Warnings for pro-Circle talk, child emotional abuse, and of course, blood magic.

[There's the slight tinkle of glass, and something thick being sloshed around in a tiny container. A deep, heartfelt sigh. Then Mal speaks softly.]

... this is the first and last piece of willing blood magic I have ever been part of. Everything else was, and still is, just scars on my soul and on my memory.

[She's silent for a moment.]

I'm from Nevarra. In Nevarra, mages are respected, given power and influence but they don't rule. There is - was - a Circle and it was ... amazing. Books and teachers willing to teach you just about anything about magic. I could go home whenever I wanted. The Templars there were strict, but respectful. It was ... competitive, for me. My mother was such a Nevarran institution - a Mortalitasi with a powerful reputation. I could never live up to her, her expectations. I thought excelling in the Circle would finally make her love me.

[Another tinkle of the glass.]

Instead, she just used me as a tool in her blood magic, and since she did that, I was the tool that stopped her. The scar is gone on my skin, but sometimes I trace over it, just to see if I can still feel the raised skin.

[Slosh, slosh.]

My mother was a terror. A monster who attempted to murder an innocent family because they didn't invite her to a baby's name day. The only way they stopped her was me, and finally, her phylactery. When I was taken to Ostwick, I was glad to see my vial wrapped up and packed away. I never wanted to be used as a tool for blood magic -- but I have always been, and and always will be, more afraid of what my desires will drive me to do.

I am my Mother's daughter, after all. Even if she never really wanted to admit that.

[A heavier sigh.]

I have always chosen to go back to a Circle, a safe place, after all this is over. One of our own making, where Carlos and I can feel secure again. Roof over our head, food in our stomachs ... and far, far away from the kind of people who would drag us back down into darkness. If nothing else, this has strengthened my belief of that. Mages, brothers and sisters of the Chantry, Templars and Seekers.... are all, in the end, just people, and people are weak. People will do what they have to, to survive. To move forward, to move up. People will do horrible things to other people, to get what they need, what they want.

[Fingers tighten around the glass object, before there's the sloshing sound of liquid being poured from one glass container to another. Yes, that might be liquor.]

So now, the Inquisition holds my leash after this whole thing and and ... I don't trust myself with it. I don't trust the Inquisition, or the Chantry either. So ... what do I do? Who do I give this to, who do I trust, to stop me when - if - I go too far?

[Tinkle of glass.]

Any ideas, Inquisition?s

Comments

[gatheringstorm]

Yeah, destroy it.

[Trust Korrin to be blunt.]

Otherwise, you risk people torturing you again with it, don't you? Better to be rid of the damn thing instead of always living with that over your head.

[mal_adjusted]

So what does someone do to make sure that I don't do that to someone else?

[She breathes out sharply, before taking another long drink off of her glass.]

I mean honestly. If you knew my mother ... you'd want someone to have an eye on me too.

[gatheringstorm]

Judging someone based on their parents is stupid. You're not your mother. You're your own person, whatever that means. You take responsibility for yourself and your actions, and if you fuck up to the point where someone needs to take you down...well, there are ways to do it that don't involve having your blood.

Do you really want someone to have that kind of leverage over you again?

[mal_adjusted]

Lots of people are stupid, Korrin. Whole world, filled with stupid, stupid people. I don't think I really have to tell someone who hates the Qun and Rifter-nay-sayers that.

I don't know! I mean, it was awful. I was falling asleep, hurting myself and others, and I never ever wanted to do that again. I don't trust the Chantry, and I ... really don't about the Inquisition having it. I know I don't trust myself.

At the same time - phylacteries .... if I got lost, someone could find me. Or at least find my desiccated corpse. They could stop me if I turned into an abomination.

I don't want to be tortured but I also don't want to put people at risk. I ... I'm done with that self-destructive bullshit.

[gatheringstorm]

Yeah, I know all about stupid people because sometimes it feels like I've met all of them. But just because your mother way one way doesn't mean you're going to turn out anything like her. The fact that you're self-aware about it means you stand a good chance of resisting, being your own person.

[Her tone softens.]

You've been through some serious shit, that's for sure. I can't truly understand what it's like to have a phylactery, but the abuse of it sounds...terrifying. Makes my skin crawl, just thinking about it.

But there are other ways to find you. We have a scouting division, sending crystals...and I'm sure we can come up with more means than don't involve putting a huge target on your back.

[thorndergod]

So because people do horrible things, you will hide behind other people? You dwell on your ancestors rather than choosing to stand on your own feet and accepting that you are in control of your desires - you are Nevarran.

[mal_adjusted]

Not just anyone -- wait. Wait, I know that voice. You're one of those Tevinters..

[thorndergod]

I am. And not held back by fear, because I know myself.

Have you tried Nevarran traditions like stuffing magic in your mother's body and asking her why she did as she did? Perhaps you can find another excuse to keep from being responsible for yourself.

[mal_adjusted]

Uh, excuse me, first of all - I am not about to take moral advice from a magister from Tevinter.

Second of all - fat lot you know about the Necropolis! They wouldn't let her be buried there. They burned her body. Burned it. That's what you get for trying to assassinate someone in the Royal family line.

Thirdly - How Dare You. Again, can I point out that coming from a country of NO magical control whatsoever does not give you the right to dictate to me just how safe I feel with my own abilities and weaknesses, you ham-fisted, smug, officious arsehole.

[crowncitizen]

[Ho-ly shit does this hit close to home for him.]

You're not your mother, Mal. A parent's legacy isn't necessarily the child's future. The fact that you don't want to be your mother and do what she did sets you apart from her.

[mal_adjusted]

[... for this, Mal's anger fades. That's the tone of someone who's been through the same thing.]

I ... I hope so. I don't know so, and that's what really scares me.

[crowncitizen]

You're not. Yeah, people suck sometimes and do awful things, but they can be great and do good things, too. You're capable of both.

[mal_adjusted]

I know nothing is certain in this world and it's a whole mess of contradictions and chaos. I just want to minimize my fault in all that ... and I thought the phylactery was the answer. Now it seems that it's as much a blessing as a curse. I don't know what to do with myself.

[champions]

Family turning against family is a tragedy; I'm sorry.

Is here a reason why you think the Circle will be kinder to you? You say a safe place, that I cannot protest, but why a Circle?

It's an interesting tact, asking advise of people you proclaim not to trust. And to say you wish to return to a Circle, when those have previously been the purvue of the Chantry, when you say you don't trust them.

[mal_adjusted]

I. Thanks.

[There is a pause, before she sighs.] Because the only safe places I have ever known, were Circles. There were Templars there, there were Chantry sisters. There were books, and studies, and amazing mentors. There was good food, and the only people in the world who understood what it meant to be able make lightening with your fingers. Out here it's all - 'you're going to set fire to my house aren't you?'

As for the rest of it - yes, I've had enough wine - the Inquisition's just not all one body, is it? There's the heads that I don't know if I trust with my phylacteries, and then there's all us laypeople, who might ... just have an idea. That or I'm just talking to talk. As for the Chantry, who says I want a Circle with the Chantry involved?

[champions]

Well, you just mentioned the Chantry sisters and Templars amongst a number of things that sound very positive. There could be Circles without the Chantry, but why should they be Circles, in that case? Why not... sanctuaries, or academies? Circles go rather hand in hand with the Chantry, no?

True enough, but anyone can listen to this, the heads included. I am not against asking for opinions, by any means, but it could be seen as an unusual choice to advertise your mistrust. ( A pause, and with some self-aware amusement, ) Not one I can really say anything against.

[mal_adjusted]

You know how you ... know some good people in an organization? And you think they're good, and they're doing what's right because hey, they're all for the Maker? Then you end up meeting the Really Shitty People who take your phylactery and use you as a doll to poke spells into because they're sadists?

Yeah.

[Another slosh of the glass.] Well, none of them have said anything, so I guess they don't care if I trust them or not. [Faint snort.] Typical. No matter where I go, authority figures don't care what I say or do.

[foundmyselfagain]

I smashed mine as soon as I got my hands on it. I recommend you do the same. If you're really that into them, you can always go find yourself a jail and have them make you a new one.

[ His voice is cheerful, though there's an undeniable edge to it. ]

[mal_adjusted]

Oh joy. I am about to be lectured about how Circles are bad by - wait - let me guess - another proud member of the Rebel Mages.

[Eye. Roll.]

I'm sorry your Circle was a horrible nightmare, whoever you are, but guess what? Not all of them were. Some of them were pretty great places of learning and magic. At least until the Rebel mages came to 'free' us from our 'oppressors' and ended up killing our First Enchanter because she didn't agree with the stupid war to begin with.

[foundmyselfagain]

I’m not going to waste my time lecturing you on why mage jail is bad. If you want to lock yourself up, by all means! The Gallows have some lovely dungeons, they were very popular back in the day. Saw all kinds of traffic.

And my First Enchanter lost his damned mind when the Templars tried to annul us, and killed a bunch of my friends to transform himself into a horrific fleshy monstrosity that attacked everyone in sight, but you don’t see me complaining. Except just now. But that was a special case.

[mal_adjusted]

[You want to go rounds, buddy? She'll Go Rounds.]

You know what I always found to be the problem with the Rebels? Even when I was fighting alongside you lot, you spent your entire time telling me that I was wrong wanting to go back to a Circle. That I was imprisoning myself, and you'd set me free, and I should be grateful.

Again, I'm sorry that you were in Kirkwall, the shithole Circle of all Circles, but let me straighten something out for you. If you fight for freedom, for choice for all mages, then you have to respect that some people choose their own version of freedom. That they are allowed to make that choice and you just have to shut your piehole about it.

Otherwise you're just a Maker-be-damned hypocrite.

[action]

[hearher]

[Carlos doesn't answer via the crystals, because anything that happens between them is for them, not to be gawked at by a bunch of rebels. He can't help but think of her as very brave for opening up. He can't imagine talking about his own mother so publicly.

But then, she's always been the bravest.

When he finds her he just puts an arm around her in sort of a half hug, half cuddle. It's almost like a puppy coming up to their human to give affection when they know the human is upset.]

Re: [action]

[mal_adjusted]

[Mal leans against him, exhaling slowly as she listens to messages stream across the crystal. She puts her hand over it, muting it effectively, as she looks over at him.]

So, I am about five minutes away from punching either a Tevinter or a rebel mage. Not sure which.

[hearher]

[He offers her support and rubs her back lightly.] I don't know if I should get snacks or if I should try to talk you out of it...

[mal_adjusted]

You could do both. You know, put in a token effort. [She gave him a wry smile, leaning to bump his forehead with hers, before she huffed out a breath.]

Seriously - jerks.