therookery | [Crystal] [Open]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Mal Draco
RECIPIENT: The Inquisition
WHAT: Some thoughts on phylacteries, blood magic, and magic.
WHEN: After the end of Phylactery Shenanigans
WHERE: The Gallows
NOTES: Warnings for pro-Circle talk, child emotional abuse, and of course, blood magic.

[There's the slight tinkle of glass, and something thick being sloshed around in a tiny container. A deep, heartfelt sigh. Then Mal speaks softly.]

... this is the first and last piece of willing blood magic I have ever been part of. Everything else was, and still is, just scars on my soul and on my memory.

[She's silent for a moment.]

I'm from Nevarra. In Nevarra, mages are respected, given power and influence but they don't rule. There is - was - a Circle and it was ... amazing. Books and teachers willing to teach you just about anything about magic. I could go home whenever I wanted. The Templars there were strict, but respectful. It was ... competitive, for me. My mother was such a Nevarran institution - a Mortalitasi with a powerful reputation. I could never live up to her, her expectations. I thought excelling in the Circle would finally make her love me.

[Another tinkle of the glass.]

Instead, she just used me as a tool in her blood magic, and since she did that, I was the tool that stopped her. The scar is gone on my skin, but sometimes I trace over it, just to see if I can still feel the raised skin.

[Slosh, slosh.]

My mother was a terror. A monster who attempted to murder an innocent family because they didn't invite her to a baby's name day. The only way they stopped her was me, and finally, her phylactery. When I was taken to Ostwick, I was glad to see my vial wrapped up and packed away. I never wanted to be used as a tool for blood magic -- but I have always been, and and always will be, more afraid of what my desires will drive me to do.

I am my Mother's daughter, after all. Even if she never really wanted to admit that.

[A heavier sigh.]

I have always chosen to go back to a Circle, a safe place, after all this is over. One of our own making, where Carlos and I can feel secure again. Roof over our head, food in our stomachs ... and far, far away from the kind of people who would drag us back down into darkness. If nothing else, this has strengthened my belief of that. Mages, brothers and sisters of the Chantry, Templars and Seekers.... are all, in the end, just people, and people are weak. People will do what they have to, to survive. To move forward, to move up. People will do horrible things to other people, to get what they need, what they want.

[Fingers tighten around the glass object, before there's the sloshing sound of liquid being poured from one glass container to another. Yes, that might be liquor.]

So now, the Inquisition holds my leash after this whole thing and and ... I don't trust myself with it. I don't trust the Inquisition, or the Chantry either. So ... what do I do? Who do I give this to, who do I trust, to stop me when - if - I go too far?

[Tinkle of glass.]

Any ideas, Inquisition?s

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh joy. I am about to be lectured about how Circles are bad by - wait - let me guess - another proud member of the Rebel Mages.

[Eye. Roll.]

I'm sorry your Circle was a horrible nightmare, whoever you are, but guess what? Not all of them were. Some of them were pretty great places of learning and magic. At least until the Rebel mages came to 'free' us from our 'oppressors' and ended up killing our First Enchanter because she didn't agree with the stupid war to begin with.

I’m not going to waste my time lecturing you on why mage jail is bad. If you want to lock yourself up, by all means! The Gallows have some lovely dungeons, they were very popular back in the day. Saw all kinds of traffic.

And my First Enchanter lost his damned mind when the Templars tried to annul us, and killed a bunch of my friends to transform himself into a horrific fleshy monstrosity that attacked everyone in sight, but you don’t see me complaining. Except just now. But that was a special case.

[You want to go rounds, buddy? She'll Go Rounds.]

You know what I always found to be the problem with the Rebels? Even when I was fighting alongside you lot, you spent your entire time telling me that I was wrong wanting to go back to a Circle. That I was imprisoning myself, and you'd set me free, and I should be grateful.

Again, I'm sorry that you were in Kirkwall, the shithole Circle of all Circles, but let me straighten something out for you. If you fight for freedom, for choice for all mages, then you have to respect that some people choose their own version of freedom. That they are allowed to make that choice and you just have to shut your piehole about it.

Otherwise you're just a Maker-be-damned hypocrite.

[ His voice is very carefully calm, almost amused. There's a sharpness underneath it that only someone who knew him well enough would recognize for the danger it threatened. ]

Circles aren't going to fix your Mommy Issues.

Nor your fears that you're just like her, that you could do what she's done, if you don't have people forcing your hand. You think that because your mother was weak, that because you are--and you are, if you need Templars to force you not to be a terrible person--that everyone must be.

Circles won't stop you from hurting other people. They won't stop you from becoming a monster. All they can do is make sure that other people suffer for it, too.

[She doesn't get the sharpness, because she doesn't know this guy but ... but there's something there. Something familiar, that she can't put her finger on.]

Freedom is not going to help your victimization. Yet you need it to feel safe in your own skin. It doesn't take away what happened to you, but it gives you the hope that it won't happen again.

You aren't going to walk into a Circle because you think that's an invitation for bad people to do bad things to you.

Now just flip that around.

A Circle isn't going to keep me from becoming my mother, if that's my fate. However, it makes me feel safer, makes me feel less like I am going to lose control. I can't take away what my mother did to me, but I can choose to be different. I can chose to keep people safe from my magic.

I'm not going to be letting myself be abused, have rocks thrown at me, starve because people won't go near an apostate mage.

You choose freedom. I choose a Circle. I'm not telling you that you have to go back - so why are you telling me that I have to stay out of a Circle?

Hypo-crit-ical.

[ He laughs, but there's little humor in it. ]

Ahah, wow. There is a lot to unpack here. First off--are you actually this stupid? Or is this just some elaborate parody of Loyalist mage that you're trying to pull? Because I think you're going a little strong on it. Loyalists have listening comprehension, for instance.

Like when I said that I wasn't going to lecture you on why the Circles are bad. And I said--repeatedly--that you're free to go back if you want to. So I don't understand why you keep insisting that I'm doing anything else? Stop putting words in my mouth just so you can use the one big word you seem to know.

It should also be noted that you keep insisting that people should have the option of a Circle, but this is a complete oxymoron. Circles aren't optional. That's why they're Circles. The lack of options was a major part of the problem that caused people to rebel! So don't tell me that I'm being a big meanie by saying that Circles just hurt innocent people. Because if you want Circles reinstated, then you want there to be no options.

But I mean, if what you want is a magical institution similar in structure to Circles but without the whole mandatory aspect, then hey! Go for it. But you should probably change the name. Call it a Triangle, maybe. Because otherwise, people are going to associate it with the version where we're dragged there as children.

Nice attempt at psychoanalyzing me, though. I can tell you really put some effort in it. I mean, you're way off base, because I don't overshare my life story on the network, so you don't actually know anything about me. But gold star for effort.

Oh my God ... do you get some sort of hard-on talking down to people? I listen just fine - when I'm talking to a rational person to begin with. Which, frankly, I don't find you to be. By the way, here's another five-gold coin word for you - Condescending. You are, by far, the most condescending free mage I've ever talked to -- and I'm talking to a damned Tevinter.

Maybe I will call it a Triangle. Maybe I'll call it a Square. Maybe I'll call it a Hexagon. One thing I am not going to call it, is a prison, because I wasn't dragged there. In Nevarra, it's an honor. I'm also not going to hide who I am, and what I've been through.

You don't know me, and I don't know you. So how about we both stop psychoanalyzing on both ends, and you just get the Maker out of My crystal conversation.

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