open.

[exequy]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Nell Voss & Kostos Averesch
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Helpful advice
WHEN: On the way to Nevarra City
NOTES: Necrophilia mention

Hello, Inquisition. Since we are now on our way to Nevarra, we--your friendly [ accompanied by a quiet snort in the background ] local Nevarrans--thought it would be helpful to provide some basic information about our homeland.

Specifically, questions you should refrain from asking when we get to Nevarra City.

[ They do sound Nevarran, more or less. (Him more, her less.) They also sound like they're probably sharing a bottle in addition to sharing the crystal.

Nell begins: ] Does everyone have sex with corpses?

Do the Mortalitasi have sex with corpses?

Can I have sex with corpses?

Are there dead people in this tavern?

Are there dead people beneath this tavern?

Can I talk to the dead people?

Can you talk to the dead people? Are you a dead person?

If Andrastians elsewhere burn their dead to honor Andraste, because she was likewise burned, does that mean Nevarrans believe she was mummified and stashed somewhere?

Can I see mummified Andraste?

Can I see a mummified dragon?

Are there dragons at court? Does the king have a pet dragon?

Did the king kill his pet dragon?

Isn't the king a dragonslayer? Aren't all Pentaghasts dragonslayers?

Isn't everyone in Nevarra a Pentaghast?

What about necromancers, aren't you all necromancers?

Is the king a necromancer?

Is the king a dead person? And isn't Nevarra basically just Tevinter Junior?

The answer to all of these questions is no. Whatever obvious question we didn't include that you now want to ask us, the answer is also no. If you think it would be clever to make your question a negative so the answer will have to be yes, you are both wrong and obnoxious.

Comments

[utulien_aure]

So assuming we avoid those topics, what would be sensible advice to follow in Nevarra?

[exequy]

Behave.

[galvanising]

Don't try to have sex with corpses, or dead people in any other form.

[utulien_aure]

Forgive me, I should have been more specific.

Assume I'm of average intelligence, schooled in basic manners, and have no desire to be physically intimate with a corpse.

[exequy]

That’s a lot of assuming.

Compliment the art. Never say you’ve seen better in Orlais.

[aforethought]

So none of y'are necromancers?

not here

[rowancrowned]

[ thranduil greatly approves. ]

[galvanising]

And we all know what happens when we assume.

In fact just never say anything is better in Orlais.

[galvanising]

Nnnnno...

[aforethought]

Wait. No, none of you are, or no, some of you —

[ the sound of someone possibly trying to work this out on their fingers ]

[doneisdone]

Oh Maker preserve us.

[justice_is_blond]

Personally, I find asking people if they're dead to be rather practical.

[exequy]

Take your time.

[exequy]

Preservation is the Mortalitasi’s purview.

[ He’s trying... to make a joke... ]

[exequy]

While they’re trying to eat?

[galvanising]

Yes.

[circleprodigy]

...are those truly questions which are often asked?

[exequy]

I’ve heard most of them at least once. Of course, when I was transferred from Nevarra City I was sent to Ghislain.

[ And Orlesians are idiots.

Alternatively: Orlesians were making fun of him, with his dour and increasingly exasperated denials. Either one is possible. Believe whichever one feels true in your heart. ]

[circleprodigy]

[But Orlesians are idiots, or at least most of them, so she's entirely willing to believe that. Fereldan here.]

Ah, I see. Of course they would ask insensitive and intrusive questions. Do you have a personal 'favorite'?

[justice_is_blond]

Of course. There's no point wasting good food on a corpse. And then you've also got the answer to why they're trying to eat and not simply eating outright.

[arlathvhen]

...Are you okay?

[earthbones]

And that's just allowed. [S'up, new rifter, nonplussed by this more than the demons and her hand.]

[exequy]

No.

[exequy]

No one has sex with the corpses.

[utulien_aure]

I'd present credentials for the first two, but I'm afraid I lost them in the Rift. The third, I hope, we can all agree to take on faith?

Art appreciation and avoiding the topic of Orlais, understood. Are there any other words of wisdom you'd be willing to impart?