therookery | Who let him have a crystal?

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Oghren
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Are the crystals meant for important things? Then why did you give one to Oghren?
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Kirkwall
NOTES: Oghren is his own content warning.

[The message opens up with the mother of all belches. Did he mean to do that? Probably. This is Oghren. Besides, he has your attention now, right? That means it served a purpose so he'll go with it.]

So everyone's been in a mood with this Kirkwall business. All that grumbling and brooding about. Not good for the health, if you ask me.

[One second. He's gotta take a drink. And that noise you might hear is the tavern. Because he's taking a break for drinks okay. That's allowed.]

Alright, here's what we're going to do. We're going to play a sodding game for some laughs. It works like this. I start off and I tell two truths and then one big bleeding lie. Then you guess which the lie is. Get it right and then it's your turn to give me two truths and a lie.

Sound good? Alright then let's see here... Ah wait hang on...

[LOUD FART.]

Ahhhh. Better. Here we go. One time I was in a hurry and rushed out wearing only my girl's drawers. Another time there was a bronto that tried to make me its mate. And another time I spent a night with a bunch of nugs that left food for me when I woke up.

Go on then. Which one is the lie? Game is open to everyone.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Isabela, the pirate... never mind.

[He's not sure why he'd expect a guy who doesn't read much to know all that much about Hawke's crew, or why he'd expect a drunk guy to remember what Isabela had described as a passing meeting.]

You're right in which one is the lie, now, but you're wrong about why. It's been exactly ten who have tried to hire me. And exactly ten who have failed because I'm not some toy to be bought.

Oh wait. I think I saw her years ago. Heh. Great view.

[SO HE WAS RIGHT. He's so glad.]

By my Ancestors! I would have been proud of you if you'd got some sex for money! Two with a stone or something like that.

[Oh well.]

So two swigs for you and one for me. Let's see here...my little nugget is a girl. I've currently got another dwarf I've been seeing. I was noble caste once.

[He snorts. He'll sell his healing, but his body is for his own pleasure, not someone thinking they'll get it for a few coins.]

You're not currently seeing another dwarf. That's the lie.

[Oghren may have run away from his marriage, but Anders doesn't think he'd start something that's not casual.]

Heh. I can do the clever stuff too. Didn't say I was sleeping with the dwarf. Just seeing the dwarf.

[He's so damn pleased with himself.]

...There's an implication there, Oghren. I'm fairly certain that's dirty rather than clever.

Means your mind is dirty and you still picked a truth.

Of course my mind is dirty, why do you think Nate stays with me? You said you had a dwarf you'd been seeing. Are you dating them, or was that deception?

Never said anything about a relationship. Just that I was seeing a dwarf. So you going to pick the lie now, Sparkles?

You said got, which is have, which is more than just looking at someone so I still think that counts as a lie because of the implication.

Sparkles, you have three swigs and you're going to drink them. Time to pick the lie.

I have earned two swigs, and I will drink two. You meant to be deceptive with the phrasing, so it was meant as a lie. My phrasing, on the other hand, was very precise. I'm not going to play further if you're adding in an extra lie and pretending you didn't.

Sparkles. You've never played this game before, have you.

If cheating is a part of this game you should have said so upfront.

It's not cheating. It's picking your sodding words right so people will think something. Word play stuff. Long as you still tell two truths and one lie it's not cheating if you get the person to think something.

So I've got a dwarf I've been seeing. You thought stuff but I meant I was watching a dwarf. Didn't even say it was a girl. You just thought so.

I'll have my two drinks and you'll have your one. There was a deliberate implication with your choice of words and I'm not going to take another drink for hearing what you were saying.

There's word play, and then there's deception and that was it. And deception means lies. You lied twice and you're calling one a truth.

You'll have three because your brain made the sodding mistake. I didn't tell a lie at all with that. That's how the game works, Sparkles.

You do not 'got' another dwarf you are seeing. Perhaps you could have said there is another dwarf you're seeing, but you used something that's possessive and I caught you out on the lie.

I'm technically correct, so two.

By my Ancestor's swollen tits! Are you telling me I lied because you're better at grammar than I am?

[Not cool!]

Yes. I believe I am. I believe that's what I've been saying this whole time. The words you chose had meaning and I based my answer on that meaning.

It's not a lie if my grammar is bad! You chose the wrong answer!

It's a lie because your grammar was inaccurate.

Sparkles. You can admit you're drinking three or you can find all your clothes smelling like rotting eggs mixed with spoiled milk.

You lied. I caught it. By the rules, I won that round. If you even try to mess with my clothing you'll be having to walk off any injuries that aren't life-threatening for quite some time.

And you'll have made Nate upset as well, seeing as he shares the space I do.

Well maybe he'll side with me because I didn't lie about that one. By the rules you lost.

The sentence as you said it was a lie. Do not mess with my things. That's crossing a line.

[He doesn't have a lot, and what he does have he's tailored and worked on by hand.]

Let's just drop it, Oghren. I'm at two, you're at one. Game end.

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