Who let him have a crystal?

[wardeneructate]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Oghren
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Are the crystals meant for important things? Then why did you give one to Oghren?
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Kirkwall
NOTES: Oghren is his own content warning.

[The message opens up with the mother of all belches. Did he mean to do that? Probably. This is Oghren. Besides, he has your attention now, right? That means it served a purpose so he'll go with it.]

So everyone's been in a mood with this Kirkwall business. All that grumbling and brooding about. Not good for the health, if you ask me.

[One second. He's gotta take a drink. And that noise you might hear is the tavern. Because he's taking a break for drinks okay. That's allowed.]

Alright, here's what we're going to do. We're going to play a sodding game for some laughs. It works like this. I start off and I tell two truths and then one big bleeding lie. Then you guess which the lie is. Get it right and then it's your turn to give me two truths and a lie.

Sound good? Alright then let's see here... Ah wait hang on...

[LOUD FART.]

Ahhhh. Better. Here we go. One time I was in a hurry and rushed out wearing only my girl's drawers. Another time there was a bronto that tried to make me its mate. And another time I spent a night with a bunch of nugs that left food for me when I woke up.

Go on then. Which one is the lie? Game is open to everyone.

Comments

[limier]

Very well. As yours have been seen to —

I used to collect mice to feed the turtle in our pond. I once caused a small public fire in Val Royeaux.

And: I have been betrayed, most grievously, by a Warden of note.

[wardeneructate]

[Well he's pretty used to people feeling bad stuff about Wardens so that must be true. Though what Anders did is beyond him.

Hmmm...doesn't know her well enough for the other two but...]

That first one is the lie.

[limier]

I lied. They are all true. Particularly the last —

As you ought well to know, Monsieur.

[ ok so she doesn't actually sound that offended but she's sure trying to ]

[wardeneructate]

Wait! That's not how you play!

[RUDE.]

Huh? What did Sparkles do?

[limier]

[ play 2 win motherfucker ]

I believe we are all aware of what he has done. I speak now of what you have.

[wardeneructate]

[Okay now he's confused.]

What did I do now?

[Yep. So used to being a disappointment he doesn't bother keeping track of the list.]

[limier]

We had a deal, did we not?

[ one that definitely did not involve being ratted on ]

[wardeneructate]

Sure. That I'd take him some sparkling lotion.

[What. He did that.]

[limier]

If I am not mistaken, discretion was implied —

[ she is mistaken. but what is wrong with people outside orlais, seriously!! ]

[wardeneructate]

Pretty sure I told you I'm not a rogue and don't do sneaking.

[He knows he's drunk but he knows he's not thaaaaat drunk.]

[limier]

You described it as rogue's work, and did not deny yourself such title.

Have you ever seen a snapping turtle, Monsieur? I do not imagine they have them of Orzammar. Jaws like small dragons.

[ stick with her. this is going somewhere. ]

[wardeneructate]

Is this another special way of saying something is going to happen to little Oggy?

[...someone gets a lot of threats to his dick. wow.]

[limier]

[ little

oggy

dear maker ]

Certainly not. Such would imply that you intended to mislead me again. A ridiculous notion, yes?

[wardeneructate]

Never mislead you to begin with actually. That's you making some assumptions that a drunk Warden is smart enough to know about being sneaky about jokes.

[limier]

Of course — distinguishing these matters be difficult, as this exercise of lies and truths proves. I have found similar difficulty of turtles.

Particularly when hungry.

I trust we have an understanding?

[wardeneructate]

Another woman is going to feed my bits to something if I'm a bad, bad boy again.

[He laughs a bit.]

So you want to actually play the game for real now?

[limier]

Quite. I believe it is your turn once more?

[wardeneructate]

Make sure you actually play right when it's your turn!

[Okay anyway...]

I have four children. I've been married three times. I once got so drunk I passed out for two nights in a row.

[limier]

[ the last one seems like a given, and she doesn't believe he'd know how many children he might have, so: ]

The first. Though I feel I should warn you that I have only water here.

[wardeneructate]

Heh. Second one is a lie too actually.

[Eh why not play this wrong a little since she did.]

Alright now let's play for real. Two truths. One lie. You go.

[limier]

How long did it take before you'd realized two days had passed?

I joined the Chantry to escape an engagement. Last month I stole and ate an entire roast chicken by myself. And I have not worn a proper dress in thirty years — if we shall discount armor.

[wardeneructate]

Think I realized it pretty quickly after I found out I missed a thing I was supposed to go to. Family was hoping mad at me for it.

You're pretty small so I'll say you that second one is the lie. Though if you did it I like a girl with a healthy appetite.

[limier]

Ah, family.

[ she says, as you might say 'ah, maggots’ ]

I believe that is the first time anyone has referred to me as small past the age of sixteen. At any rate, it is true — are you not owed a drink?

[ seems like a game for him to lose on purpose, tbh ]

[wardeneructate]

Pretty much.

[Hey you get some strong feelings when your entire family basically disowns you so they can go off together on a suicide mission without you.]

True, huh? Guess that means a swig on my tab. Alright then, the first one.

[limier]

And the truth is uncovered at last. You guess correctly, Monsieur. I did not join to escape him — rather that was a fortunate side effect.