A SURVEY

[aventuriere]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Baroness Frédérique Durfort-Lacapalette, Brother Jehan Mercier, and Valentine Nicasius Maxence Mérovée Olivier de Foncé
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Important questions
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Please threadjack

Inquisition, we have a question for you.

[ DO NOT SILENCE YOUR CRYSTALS. That is an Orlesian voice, but it is not Val de Foncé's voice. Instead, it is the voice of a woman, which makes it immediately superior. You are probably safe. Maybe. Keep listening. ]

You see, we are scholars. The best of scholars! And this Inquisition, it offers the most magnifique opportunities to learn more of this world and we, my friends, we are here to take on that most noble challenge!

We are conducting a study. [ From the tavern. ] Which of Thedas' nations is your favorite? Le plus fantastique? [ A pause, some murmuring reminder while the crystal is covered with a hand. ] You may not say Orlais, and you must explain why, pour l'étude.

[ HERE is Val’s voice. Please keep listening. ]



You may not say Orlais because we already know that it is Orlais. We have been to Orlais, many times. [ A voice cuts in, dry: ] We are even from Orlais, in case you had not guessed. [ From, you know. The really obvious accents. ] For this, we seek other answers. Answers that are more diverse. Perhaps it is better to say second best? Second favorite? With, naturally, Orlais being the favorite. We are, you see, all in disagreement.

It is threatening to tear us apart, when we have only just been brought back together.

Yes, because you are wrong. If you would cease to be so wrong, we would not be torn apart!

No, you are-- Ah, courage, my friends! We must not be torn apart. [ There is some shuffling and oofing. It is possible that arms are being thrown about shoulders and necks are being squeezed. ] Inquisition, we turn to you, on behalf of our reunion, and the great Baroness Haut-Brion.

If you answer our question we will permit you to call her Freddie.

You will permit nothing, but I may permit it, if your answers are particularly clever.

Also, for a bet-- [ Should Chantry Brothers make bets? Shh. Should Chantry Brothers pause while speaking to drink wine? Shhhhh. ] How many times per day is it reasonable to pray? Suppose that you are also reasonably faithful.

Suppose that you are a madman, a holy madman--

And that you desire nothing more than to be Andraste's second husband and like Maferath to be cuckolded by the Maker himself--

[ Should Chantry brothers dump wine over the heads of their friends? Shhhhhhhhh. ]

Comments

[degenere]

I am never too busy for you. Honestly.

I will contact you once the speech is ready for an audience.

[el_tybs]

Greaaaat.

[serannas]

Ah, right. I haven't necessarily been kicked, but I know what you mean. I've been across the Waking Sea.

[ And was seasick too. ]

[justice_is_blond]

I like boring Templars. My ribs especially like boring Templars. May they all carry notes around that praise their country of origin.

i apologise profusely for him

[inagutterson]

I thought you had a big fancy university in your country. What do they teach you? People like to go on about it when you fondle the statues.

[He fondled some statues. They were handsome and/or beautiful statues. He was three sheets to the wind and then some.]

Right, they don't have dogs in Orzammar, but if they did then it'd be the Diamond Quarter lot just riding them. All day. Mowing down the locals. Like-- so chevaliers go into the alienage, or they did, I went in on my way here, slapped some funky tree someone had planted that I don't think anyone had pissed on yet? But imagine that, with dogs, and more dust. And face brands. You get the picture.

But they have nugs in Orzammar. Lots of nugs. Just buried in nugs in places, can't walk two steps without booting a nug, and how they roll in it, the height of luxury. [Trust him. He's a dwarf. He knows these arcane dwarven secrets.] And who are you to judge, less weird than cutting about in a mask all day, and thinking quillback spines were cool.

Darktown just smells. Smells real. Alive. You ever want to know what the real world smells like I'll give you the guided tour, did all the good growing there.

[Like a small potato. Had to sprout up from the filth you know. Not everyone had silverite spoons up their arses sir!!!]

[inagutterson]

I'd say I had the perfect subject but he was just sent back to the Lady of the Skies and he hated tiny cakes. Caused a minor [translation: major] incident in a patissy- patsy-erry?

[Nailed it.]

[inagutterson]

He did. I put some steak on it. And punched a strange tree in the alienage on my way. By the way, there's a really weird tree in the alienage now, gave it a good smack. For you.

[aventuriere]

Oh? What sort of incident? A patisserie has such potential for impropriety. [ She pops the 'P's on both words in amusement. ] Was it a macaron mishap? Clafoutis calamity? Dariole debacle?

[elegiaque]

What sort of 'weird' tree? How odd can a tree be?

( and then-- ) Well, thank you, though.

[failedfirst]

[omg she hates all of you so much.]

It's not because of the mabari.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Oh, it sank. Like a whole chunk of the country sank into the ocean. It would've been tragic, but that's mostly where the crazy people, the old people, and the old crazy people live, so I can't really say it's a huge loss...

[motherfucking_ghost]

Aw, c'mon, you haven't even seen Texas yet, don't pass judgement. How'd you like it if I strolled through Orlais and decided you guys were backwards heathens? It hurts, dude. [He says, while laughing.]

[motherfucking_ghost]

Oh my god. You guys are ridiculous. I could sit here all damn day. And then sell some tickets when some Fereldan dudes come to beat someone up for honor or whatever.

I have got to introduce you guys to hot dogs though. Once I figure out how they're made. Or what's in the mystery meat. Grill up a hot dog, on a nice fluffy bun, ketchup, mustard, oooo get some chili cheese up in that bitch, settle down with an ice cold beer and some kind of sporting event.

One of these days, we're gonna have a chef from a real and true Earth show up and start whipping out all the food you guys are missing out on.

[justice_is_blond]

Why do you grill it when it's already hot? Also, I believe I should note the Fereldans won't be beating you up for honor, it would be for their dog's honor. Or possibly for getting the mud muddy with other, not as proper, mud.

[qunari]

It's like a club, basically. You want a look at the goods? You join. Members-only benefits, that's sort of thing.

Course, if you ask nice, I might be willing to share a sample or two. For research, or whatever.

please don't i'm happy

[degenere]

I prefer to fondle real breasts, but there's no course of study at the University for that, my friend. And more's the pity.

[Baffled but amused, Val tries to pick apart the rest of what he's just been told. It isn't easy.]

And I think all trees in Skyhold have been pissed upon at one point or another, if that is what you mean. Do we have to go to this Darktown to catch the smells?

[degenere]

[but she could hate more i bet]

What's wrong with the mabari?

[degenere]

And is the mysterious meat, perhaps... dog?

[degenere]

Notes.

[Disgusted, Val scoffs.]

I cannot stand the thought of a man who carries notes.

[degenere]

Noblemen, my friend. We are backwards noblemen. What is a tex ass?

[degenere]

[Sacrebleu, as the peasants say. Don't screw this up.]

We are always nice when we ask, my friend. Especially for so rare a thing, so important to our research. What would your price be? We are of limited means, alas-- [sort of] --but all the same.

[degenere]

Then you know full well. After a day, the feeling might subside, but before that, the world seems so small and painful a place.

And this is how he treats the one he loves. To his enemies, he is a demon.

[And isn't that great :,) ]

[justice_is_blond]

Aren't you scholars?

[He's a little amused now.]

You don't take and carry notes?

[failedfirst]

[Always. Hers is an unending pool of hatred.]

Nothing. They are just not simply the only reason to have affection for a land.

[inagutterson]

You know, those could all actually be proper desserts in Orlais, like the whole shebang, or girl's names. I know a Clafoutis and three Dariole's. [In a brothel, not a patisserie but minor details. He got lost on his way to both, still had a grand old time.] But it was a roulade rumble meets fondant fancicuffs. [See what he did there, bow down, give him a prize that is inspired, what a wordsmith.]. Avvar style. With a mabari bonus.