The squeakiest elbows. (Open)

[thezapper]

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Zapp Brannigéne
RECIPIENT: Open
WHAT: Zapp is a jerk who appreciates landscaping.
WHEN: Forward Dated to the 19th or thereabouts.
WHERE: Halamshiral
NOTES: Zapp will inevitably be racist, misogynistic, and generally an ignorant asshole. I apologize. Related to this log. This is Zapp's first post anywhere so feel free to have your characters either have no idea who this jerk is, or recognize his name/voice. He is sort of (in)famous.

Now, what is it I always say, Kif? The squeaky elbow gets all the grease it wants--[A heavy sigh resounds through the background, but the man speaking into the crystal continues, heedless of it.]--and these elves have some of the squeakiest elbows I've ever heard.

Good morning, men! [The boisterous and deceptively suave voice suddenly speaks directly into the crystal, addressing the Inquisition at large.] Now, I was walking around the poor parts of town with my man Kif, here, and imagine my surprise! This place is filthy. Sure, it's clean for an alienage, or a stable, or a--what's the word I'm looking for here, Kif?

[There's another sigh and a reserved voice replies: "I'm sure I dont know, sir."]

Bah--it doesn't matter. Let's get down to brass taxes, what I'm saying is: these elves have done a bang up job. Why, some of these trees are slightly less than dead, and this sappling in the burnt out stump is a real achievement in gardening.

I was so impressed by the tenacity of these poor, beaten down, slovenly people that I had Kif here haul down a bunch of brooms and paint. If some gardener can paint gold on leaves, by Andraste, we can paint over all this filth and make this burnt-out slum look liveable.

Who's with me?

[Zapp's rousing call to action is undermined by Kif clearing his voice and interjecting: "Sir, I don't think anyone around here has gold paint."]

What why not?

["Because they're poor, sir, and nobody paints trees."]

Well maybe we should, that one's clearly an improvement. That's it Kif, go fetch some gold paint, we'll paint the rest to match.

[The message ends on a heavy, drawn out sigh.]

Comments

[unharrowed]

[Unsurprisingly, the former Circle mage isn't clued in to who is and who isn't a famous chavalier. So she's mostly confused.]

Did you... mean to send this message out to everyone? [Or in fact to the Inquisition? Since he didn't actually mention being a part of it at any point.]

[thezapper]

Of course I did! This Inquisition has all the man power I need--not that I don't have enough power to gt the job done, but I can't just go around doing manual labor.

You have people for that sort of thing--[He makes a dismissive humming sound.] Or elves, you know. Working class fellows. Not ladies though, can't have them getting their hands dirty with this sort of business.

[unharrowed]

Oh, yes, Ser. [What the hell. A few sentences in, and this is already ridiculous. She might as well play along and have a laugh later.] You're absolutely right. My poor, tender hands would barely be able to hold up the paintbrush for long.

[el_tybs]

[Not the first unknown Orlesian to pop up on the communication crystals, but after listening to the current exchange Sam has a sudden appreciation for Valentine considering he was a lot more eloquent in the jerk area. An appreciation that he begrudgingly has. He'll never admit to it.]

Excuse me?

[Normally he has more to say but at the moment he is a little speechless.]

[thezapper]

Oh? A layabout, eh? [Zapp's voice is full of derision and no small amount of pomp.] No, soldier, you are not excused.

This is important business--by Andraste, man, do you want these poor, defenseless, penniless people stuck in ugly housing? This is Orlais, man.

Now hop to it and get down here. These trees aren't going to paint themselves.

[el_tybs]

[And it just keeps piling on. How- he cannot even keep up with this odd logic.]

Well clearly they need to go to Ferelden then. We don't paint our trees to fix issues like that.

[universal_charm]

_{[ Oh god. There can't be two of them. Or if there are, they have to be related, right? It's the only possible way to explain this man right now, because these two could not possibly exist in their own separate spheres. ]}

You aren't related to man named Valentine by any chance, are you?

[thezapper]

Could be--I'm related to many great people. The best people, really. If this Valentine is a man of note, why, I wouldn't be surprised to find him in my family tree.

[universal_charm]

That is literally the only way the two of you make sense as people, to be honest.

_{[ His tone does not suggest that this is a good thing. ]}

[samahl]

Gold paint... Now that has to be the most human thing I've ever heard. [He sounds amused but anyone who knows him well will hear a touch of coolness to his tone.]

[thezapper]

Excellent! Good man. [If that was an insult, Zapp missed it entirely.] See, Kif, this one gets it. Can't spell humane without human, after all.

[samahl]

Exactly. It seems like a wonderful way to make something beautiful but only on a surface level. [Again, he manages to sound mostly pleasant while saying this.]

[arlathvhen]

I--

[ She's actually speechless, for a few moments. ]

--Are you being quite serious?

[ Is this a human joke? Is he serious?? Is she being put on??? ]

[eternalsquire]

Yes. He's quiet serious.

[kallian_endris]

I'm not sure if every alienage does it, but there is a tradition of painting the vhenadahl, especially on holidays.

[thezapper]

Do they? I wouldn't have imagined the elves could be so forward thinking with their aesthetics. I'm impressed.

[But this sounds like a lady and he is very, very down with the ladies.]

Say, I don't suppose you'd care to come down and sensually paint these trees with me, would you?

[ombranera]

How is it that you are still alive? I could have sworn there was at least three separate contracts on your life for offenses to various nobles in Antiva and Nevarra.

[eternalsquire]

[Oh for crying out loud, Zapp...]

Do you have the names of those nobles handy?

[Time for someone to do cleanup duty, and he sounds very unenthusiastic about this prospect.]

[metaari]

Contracts aside, I was wondering that very same thing anyway.

[ Seriously, though. How has this guy not been shanked in the streets by now? ]

[easternseaqueen]

If you're looking for gold paint, I actually knew a counterfeiter out of Orlais who had literal bucketfuls of it. I think he's still in business somewhere.

[extramural]

[ He sounds more bored than hostile, but- ] The next time you have whatever passes for a thought for you, spare us all and keep it to yourself.

[unbrokenoath]

[ There's an undignified snorting at that. At least someone thinks it's funny. ]

[dalishious]

Do those slovenly elves a favor and shove those brooms right up your ass.

[eternalsquire]

Please don't make me have to clean the brooms.

[eviscerates]

( oh dear god )

I think— maybe there are other places that might appreciate your.... enthusiasm more than the alienage. Maybe. You know, places more in need.