Zap Brannigan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thezapper) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
therookery2016-08-14 02:37 pm
thezapper) wrote in therookery2016-08-14 02:37 pm
The squeakiest elbows. (Open)
FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Zapp Brannigéne
RECIPIENT: Open
WHAT: Zapp is a jerk who appreciates landscaping.
WHEN: Forward Dated to the 19th or thereabouts.
WHERE: Halamshiral
NOTES: Zapp will inevitably be racist, misogynistic, and generally an ignorant asshole. I apologize. Related to this log. This is Zapp's first post anywhere so feel free to have your characters either have no idea who this jerk is, or recognize his name/voice. He is sort of (in)famous.
Now, what is it I always say, Kif? The squeaky elbow gets all the grease it wants--[A heavy sigh resounds through the background, but the man speaking into the crystal continues, heedless of it.]--and these elves have some of the squeakiest elbows I've ever heard.
Good morning, men! [The boisterous and deceptively suave voice suddenly speaks directly into the crystal, addressing the Inquisition at large.] Now, I was walking around the poor parts of town with my man Kif, here, and imagine my surprise! This place is filthy. Sure, it's clean for an alienage, or a stable, or a--what's the word I'm looking for here, Kif?
[There's another sigh and a reserved voice replies: "I'm sure I dont know, sir."]
Bah--it doesn't matter. Let's get down to brass taxes, what I'm saying is: these elves have done a bang up job. Why, some of these trees are slightly less than dead, and this sappling in the burnt out stump is a real achievement in gardening.
I was so impressed by the tenacity of these poor, beaten down, slovenly people that I had Kif here haul down a bunch of brooms and paint. If some gardener can paint gold on leaves, by Andraste, we can paint over all this filth and make this burnt-out slum look liveable.
Who's with me?
[Zapp's rousing call to action is undermined by Kif clearing his voice and interjecting: "Sir, I don't think anyone around here has gold paint."]
What why not?
["Because they're poor, sir, and nobody paints trees."]
Well maybe we should, that one's clearly an improvement. That's it Kif, go fetch some gold paint, we'll paint the rest to match.
[The message ends on a heavy, drawn out sigh.]
SENDER: Zapp Brannigéne
RECIPIENT: Open
WHAT: Zapp is a jerk who appreciates landscaping.
WHEN: Forward Dated to the 19th or thereabouts.
WHERE: Halamshiral
NOTES: Zapp will inevitably be racist, misogynistic, and generally an ignorant asshole. I apologize. Related to this log. This is Zapp's first post anywhere so feel free to have your characters either have no idea who this jerk is, or recognize his name/voice. He is sort of (in)famous.
Now, what is it I always say, Kif? The squeaky elbow gets all the grease it wants--[A heavy sigh resounds through the background, but the man speaking into the crystal continues, heedless of it.]--and these elves have some of the squeakiest elbows I've ever heard.
Good morning, men! [The boisterous and deceptively suave voice suddenly speaks directly into the crystal, addressing the Inquisition at large.] Now, I was walking around the poor parts of town with my man Kif, here, and imagine my surprise! This place is filthy. Sure, it's clean for an alienage, or a stable, or a--what's the word I'm looking for here, Kif?
[There's another sigh and a reserved voice replies: "I'm sure I dont know, sir."]
Bah--it doesn't matter. Let's get down to brass taxes, what I'm saying is: these elves have done a bang up job. Why, some of these trees are slightly less than dead, and this sappling in the burnt out stump is a real achievement in gardening.
I was so impressed by the tenacity of these poor, beaten down, slovenly people that I had Kif here haul down a bunch of brooms and paint. If some gardener can paint gold on leaves, by Andraste, we can paint over all this filth and make this burnt-out slum look liveable.
Who's with me?
[Zapp's rousing call to action is undermined by Kif clearing his voice and interjecting: "Sir, I don't think anyone around here has gold paint."]
What why not?
["Because they're poor, sir, and nobody paints trees."]
Well maybe we should, that one's clearly an improvement. That's it Kif, go fetch some gold paint, we'll paint the rest to match.
[The message ends on a heavy, drawn out sigh.]