diplomacy, gird your loins.

[bouchonne]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Byerly and Eshal.
RECIPIENT: All y'all
NOTES: Blue is Byerly, red is Eshal.

Bonsoir, Riftwatch. I have some dreadful news for you all.

[ Byerly’s voice sounds a bit dry. And characteristically dramatic. ]

My dear comrade and equal, would you like to tell them?

It's not dreadful, get over yourself. Anyway, Diplomacy has two heads, because we're better than the lot of them. Right?

Oh, yes. It’s widely acknowledged as a show of faith to appoint two people to do the job normally done by one. A task given only to truly quality prospects.

Exactly.

[ A sigh. ]

My esteemed self and this esteemed lady have been appointed joint heads of Diplomacy. She, being a decent and righteous soul, has volunteered to hear any and all complaints that might be made about this decision.

Yep. Love to meet the rest of you, honestly. Come by the head office, any time. I'll supply the whiskey.

[ Byerly lifts an eyebrow at her; he’d expected a protest to him volunteering her for that thankless duty. But, well, if she’s willing to be the goat here, let her be the goat. A shrug. That’s it. Meet your new overseers. ]

Comments

[saam]

Then diplomacy's gonna be hard on you.

[bouchonne]

Do you anticipate us encountering much blood?

[saam]

Some diplomacy is fancy cakes and nice tea-- which I'm sending to your wife, by the way, she's delightful-- and looking all pretty like you.

Some of it isn't.

S'why it's good there's us two.

[bouchonne]

[ 'Pretty' he likes. But - ]

Dearest colleague, I want to make sure that you understand that it's a very, very slight minority of it which is not that.

[saam]

Some people don't respond so great to fancy parties. Some people don't got the money or the patience. We gotta make everybody like us, not just the pretty folks.

You think I set up the fighting ring for fun?

[bouchonne]

[ OK, let's move the crystals into a drawer so this conversation doesn't get picked up. ]

The hearts and minds of the freemen are all well and good, my dear, but the freemen are not the ones who manage troop deployments.

[saam]

[She sits back, shrugging.]

Who d'you think the troops are? I'm not saying they're the- the center of everything. But you can't overlook that shit.

[bouchonne]

[ He goes and pours himself a tall brandy. ]

If you treat their good opinion as being equal to the good opinion of the nobility, you lose the nobility.

[saam]

You don't tell rich tits everything. I know I look stupid, but I'm not that dumb.

Look. It's all part of one thing. You can't just pull the head around. The legs gotta follow.

[bouchonne]

[ A grunt of acknowledgment. ]

Kirkwall is just one city of many.

[saam]

If you're taking on the whole world at once, better to have the two of us.

[She holds up her fingers, imitating the horns she doesn't have.]

Two pronged attack.

[bouchonne]

[ A Look. ]

I admire your ability to pretend that this insult is actually a boon.

[saam]

You can get all pissy about it, or you can do the work and prove 'em wrong. It is what it is.

[bouchonne]

If you think I can't do both, you underestimate me.

[saam]

That's the spirit.

[She snaps her fingers.]

I think it'll work out. You know how to play their game on their terms. I know the other shit. You can tell me how dumb I am for not knowing which fork goes with which plate.

[bouchonne]

Do you believe that not knowing which fork to use is caused by stupidity?

[saam]

I believe it's something people like to whine about. So why not let 'em enjoy themselves.

[bouchonne]

[ A sip. ]

It is not something you shall hear me complaining about. Not with any sincerity, at least. And if I am sincere, cut my throat.

[saam]

[She laughs.] And leave your wife all alone? She's my favorite part of you.

[bouchonne]

The only tolerable part, it is true.

[saam]

[A smile. She holds out her hand.]

So. You do your job. I do mine. We work this thing together. Yeah?

[bouchonne]

[ He doesn't take it quite yet. Instead: ]

Tell me about yourself.

[saam]

[Shrug.] Rivain. Kont-aar. Parents converted when... fuck, before I can remember. Qunari. Antaam. [She flexes one sizable bicep.] Infantry.

[bouchonne]

[ Dryly: ]

I know several of those words.

[saam]

[She rolls her eyes.] I was big enough that the big grey men with horns let me in the army. I was karasten-- infantry commander.