An Important Survey

[offortune]

FORM: Hand-written and posted on the bulletin board, AND helpfully read aloud over the sending crystals.
SENDER: Rafael & Scipio, your friendly neighborhood layabouts
RECIPIENT: Everyone, like it or not
WHAT: An important survey written (and read) by two men with too much time on their hands and too few gloves obviously pro bono on behalf of the Inquisition to collect details, public opinion, and information to further refine and direct the practices and causes of said Inquisition. Helpfully. Informatively. And so forth.
WHEN: Mid-Wintermarch
WHERE: Skyhold, wherever sending crystals are
NOTES: Feel free to respond in text or audio! Replies will come from both Raf and Skip. Threadjacking highly encouraged!!

1. What is the most useless animal?

   1. If you had to be transformed into an animal what would you choose?

   2. Why would you not choose the most useless animal so that people would leave you alone?
      

2. Why do people want to go stand in the snow instead of at least going to a nice warm place even if it is full of Wardens?

3. Choose a better nickname for Skyhold.

   1. Some suggestions include:

      1. Skycold

      2. Snowhold

      3. Frozehold

      4. Frostbit shithole

4. Choose nicknames for the advisors. So far our favorites include Noodlehair Ruthotford, Josefiiiiiine, and Leliana (Isn't it a pretty name? Why mess with perfection? [We hear she'll stab us in our sleep.]). We are sure that you can all do better than these.

5. Choose a mascot for Skyhold. If you want it to be the same as the answer to #1 we're not going to argue.

6. Pick a motto for the Inquisition.

   1. Some suggestions:

      1. “The Hairy Eye Sees All”

      2. “A Lifetime of Cold”

      3. “Doing Some Good (And We Have Proof)”

7. What is the best thing to eat where you are from? Provide samples if possible. (Samples can be directed to SCIPIO AND RAFAEL at A TAVERN.)

8. If you could do one and only one magical spell, what would it be? (Mages do not need to answer.) (But they can if they want.)

9. List 3 cold weather tips.

10. Have you heard of Paul di Simone yet?

    1. If not, why not?

    2. What sort of cold and joyless rock do you live under precisely?

    3. Are you running to the Herald's Rest yet to hear the singer there do his songs?

    4. If yes, which of his masterpieces is your favorite?

Comments

[rathercommon]

[ Okay, this is hilarious. Fortunately, Kitty is very good at sounding sniffy and a little severe, especially when Scipio is involved. So she does a decent job sounding sniffy and severe when she responds over the crystals: ]

Isn't parchment a limited resource in the Inquisition?

[resought]

To be used sparingly and with relevance, you would think.

[Harsh words in regards to men she has never met. No offense.]

[bunko]

[Capable of cheer, no matter how sniffily he's met, Scipio offers reassurance:]

Truly not. Not when there are rooms full of parchment, gattina.

[paperwing]

[






























sigh.]

[bunko]

[ :) :) :) :)

unless that was an audible sigh and then come on you'll hurt his feelings]

[amygdalae]

[This response is tucked underneath the initial posting and placed in such a way that a noticeable corner sticks out for people to see.]

1. No animal is ever useless, at least from personal experience.

a. It depends on where I am at the present time, and the circumstances involved. Is the place cold? Hot? What diet can I sustain myself on? Will the environment benefit me or will it hinder me? Would others be able to recognize me if I did transform? There are quite a number of things to take into consideration.
b. As mentioned above, no animal is entirely useless. One man's trash is another man's treasure, as they say. Maybe one day you might find yourself in need of a lizard or some other unexpected creature.

2. Because there are already Wardens around and generally it is considered to be rather rude to take other people's places when they are there first.
3. The last option is perhaps a bit too crass. Maybe something like Icecold. At least it sounds more pleasant.
4. The Commander, The Diplomat and The Spymaster.
5. Everyone seems to be fond of mabari.
6. Restoring peace to Thedas.
7. I've heard that stew tends to be good in cold weather. I'm sure the kitchens have a fair amount of those.
8. To heal people.
9. Layers, socks, gloves.
10. I believe I have heard of him, yes.

d. The one about a rock and a hard place. Or perhaps the one about the cold and lack of socks.

[bunko]

[Later on, Bruce's responses can be found tacked prominently beside the original survey with a few notes.

One note, mainly. An arrow branches off from number one, down to the bottom of the parchment. And there:]




[fleas aren't useful thanks]

Written on the back of what appears to be a grocery list from the Cook

[the_effect_she_has]

What is the most useless animal? Small dogs.

If you had to be transformed into an animal what would you choose? Wolf. So I could eat small dogs.

Why would you not choose the most useless animal so that people would leave you alone? Because why choose something I could eat instead?

Why do people want to go stand in the snow instead of at least going to a nice warm place even if it is full of Wardens? Because people are dying, dumbass, and they have on less winter gear than you.

Choose a better nickname for Skyhold. Elven Fortress Of Chaos.



Choose nicknames for the advisors. So far our favorites include Noodlehair Ruthotford, Josefiiiiiine, and Leliana (Isn't it a pretty name? Why mess with perfection? [We hear she'll stab us in our sleep.]). We are sure that you can all do better than these.

You know, Cullen works just as well. And it should be Lady Josefiiiiiiiine.

Choose a mascot for Skyhold. If you want it to be the same as the answer to #1 we're not going to argue. Buttercup. He thinks he owns the place anyways.

Pick a motto for the Inquisition.



“Doing Some Good (And We Have Proof)” Is good.

I also like - "The Inquisition - Taking Care Of Your Darkspawn Magister Problems Since 9:32 Dragon."

What is the best thing to eat where you are from? Provide samples if possible. (Samples can be directed to SCIPIO AND RAFAEL at A TAVERN.) Blackberry tarts from Redcliffe. Which I can't make. Sorry?

If you could do one and only one magical spell, what would it be? Barrier. But a barrier I could shoot through. Just the looks on their faces when they try to hit me and can't while I put an arrow in them ... priceless.

List 3 cold weather tips. Wear the gloves I gave you.

Thick socks.

Cover your head.

Have you heard of Paul di Simone yet? No.

If not, why not? Because he's from a different country?

What sort of cold and joyless rock do you live under precisely? The Hinterlands. We like to think of it as our own cold and joyless rock though.

Are you running to the Herald's Rest yet to hear the singer there do his songs? All the time.

If yes, which of his masterpieces is your favorite? I'm very fond of the one about the cupcakes. If that's about cupcakes. It's hard to tell as I don't speak Rivain.

[bunko]

[The clue is in 'wear the gloves I gave you'. This means that later, a message manages to make its way to Katniss, passed from person to person, runner to runner. A little crumpled, once unfolded and uncrinkled, this message reveals itself to be her own responses, with notes.]

Smalle Dogs are wolf food and so are useful.

People are dying Everiewhere

There are more than just Elves who live here

Cullen is notte a Nickname

The COlde is persistant no matter the Glovves but they are warm & you have my Thanks

Paule di Simone was WELLE TRAVELLED there is NO EXCUSEd
Do you knowe Who does make Blackberry Tarts

Audio, to everyone with a crystal, because Cecil has no boundaries.

[mostlyvoid]

[A deep and earnest voice echoes from the crystals in everyone's hands.]

What a fascinating survey! Now - I think it would be unprofessional of me to answer this myself, but I would be happy to broadcast the results, once they've been collected!

bless you cecil

[bunko]

[Cecil's answer comes in kind, with perhaps a few boundaries, in that they do not broadcast to all. This answer also comes after a few moments of debate.]

You have our thanks, for in this survey, we had hard work. But tell me--it is 'un-professional'? How, please?

[Written]

[gatheringstorm]

1. Nugs.
a. A dragon.
b. Because DRAGON. I would be plenty alone, after using my fire breath.
2. Fuck if I know.
3. Fort Kickass
4. Nah, Varric's work well enough.
5. Cassandra Pentaghast.
6. "Still doing more than the fucking Chantry."
7. Banana bread or that fruit stew.
8. Chain lightning forever.
9. 1) LAYERS. 2) Alcohol actually doesn't help keep you warm. No, really. 3) Don't sleep with your boots on, it cuts off circulation.
10. No, and I don't care.
a. Because I haven't?
b. This place called most of Thedas.
c. No, but I'll be there for the booze.
d. n/a

[bunko]

[Most of these answer seem sensible and wise, although--it is agreed between them--there could be more nicknames. What is a man if he does not have at least a dozen nicknames and titles to be called? A shame! No one knows what they are doing around here.

Dragons are pretty terrifyingly awe-inspiring, so there are stars marked beside those, but also, in very stilted script (since he is copying very precisely what is written):]

Cuts off circulation ?

sending crystal

[wickedchase]

First one, all right. Let's see here... the most useless animal. Gnats. Definitely gnats. I'd probably turn into something that would fly. But pretty. Might as well look good doing it. And I certainly would not want to be a gnat, since I'm not useless.

Second one: Couldn't tell you why. Unless this is a joke and there's a punchline that I seem to be missing.

Alternative name for Skyhold? I was thinking of something like "Mount Misfits".

Nicknames, I like this. Commander Paint Job in particular. Happy belated birthday by the way, commander.

Samwise Gamgee. You can't look at his face and tell him no. Believe me, I struggle with it.

A motto. How about: "Heralding in honor of the Herald, yet no one here is named Harold."

I decline to talk about the food where I'm from.

A mage, so that's a no on magical spells.

Cold weather tips: Sex probably, stew, and hoard blankets. I know I do.

Who hasn't heard of Paul di Simone? I mean, really.

[bunko]

[The reply also comes via sending crystal, as a loud and relieved:]

Thank you! Finally, a man who has senses and tastes, to know the great Paul di Simone! For you would be surprised, to learn that no one has heard of our Master of the Ballads.

The ignorance!

[eolasemah]

[By the sending crystal in the library, Sina dutifully reads down the full list and responds in total earnest because she wants to be helpful.]

What is the most useless animal? There is no such thing, unless perhaps individual animals count? I think at times people can be the most useless animals, though perhaps not intentionally.
If I had to be transformed into an animal I would choose a halla, like the Creator Ghilan'nain, who once was among the People and ascended to godhood by the grace of Andruil. Not that I want to be a god, but becoming a halla would be an honor I think.
By your logic I am already the most useless animal. I'm.... I'm all right with this?

Perhaps people like to stand in the snow because they like to be outside and reminded of the world not closed in by stone walls. Although I am inclined to agree, snow is unpleasant and creeps into your boots so at the very least there should be a fire nearby.
I like your names for Skyhold, I don't think I could think of a better one.

I don't know any of the advisors?? My nicknames for them are People Who Are Probably Not Useless.

Skyhold's mascot should be ... a bear. I don't know. Something humans consider noble and dangerous but will actually just scare you and take all your food.
I don't think I could choose a good motto, I'm too biased.

A roasted hare with local spices is the best thing to eat where I'm from! But they are quick and hard to come by, especially around so many people.
If I could do one magical spell? I do them all the time. But I think I would do something to get this shard out.
My cold weather tips are to build a fire, put on warm clothes, and, worst comes to worst, get out of the cold.

Who is Paul di Simone? I don't live under a rock, I live in a tent. Is he a musician?

[bunko]

[Aww, Sina. Judgement and cynicism must soften in the face of such earnestness. (For Scipio's part, anyways. But he does have a soft heart.)]

I do not think that people are the most useless of animals, bella. They are very useful--and so, then, must you be. Then I must be sorry to tell you that your answer, it is wrong.

And even the most biased might write a motto. Or a nickname--no, and a nickname. You must know of them even if you do not know them, yes? And so you can name them. From bias we see cleverness come, if you have the wit and the-- imagining.

So then: if you tell me a nickname, I will tell you of the great Paul di Simone.

[He'll tell her anyways, but that's beside the point.]

[lacere]

[Tacked on underneath Bruce's response.]

[bunko]

[Written very carefully, right on the response: first, an arrow drawn from #3, with the accompanying note:]

Lauther is Goode !

[And, subsequently, an arrow drawn from #10, with a note to accompany it likewise:]

You must Learn of the Greatest Bard Silver-Tounnged Paul di Simone, He of thee Rhymines. Thee Greatest Bard Thedas , he !

[samahl]

1. Define "useless."
a. Would it be terribly stereotypical of me to answer with halla?
b. Some of us like attention.

2. Because someone has to watch out for all of those people who chose to turn into dragons.

3. I'm afraid all I can think of right now has to do with shrinkage and I'm not certain that's appropriate.

4. Have you managed to sneak a peak at any of them? I'd be happy to call them whatever they want me to call them. It's nice to know we're being lead by beautiful people.

5. Fennec.

6. "We have drinks and our mascot is a fennec."

7. There's a rather popular Dalish dish that uses the larvae of a wood-burrowing beetle...

8. Probably to last three times as long in bed. There's very little complaints in that regard, mind you, but to have a little extra on something already wonderful never hurts. Unless it's a good sort of hurt.

9. 1- Find someone interested in cuddling. 2- Find someone who wants help you to bed. 3- Find someone to get cozy with.

10. The most important question is: Is he attractive?

[bunko]

[Since he checked for notes without Rafael (his own personal Read Aloud-er), Scipio skips a few answers, at least at first, to the answer of the most important:]

Paule di Simone was Thee Greatest Bard in Thedas & Yes was too very Handsomee to behold. His face coulde cause Any Maid to faint and when he diede there was weeping in the streets also the Murder of the Self in Grieffe. SO Great were his Talentes and Beauty.

[aforethought]

To long, didnt read.

[bunko]

?? ?

[perseverances]

[Tacked on underneath the replies.]

Noodlehair Ruthotford? Please. I've heard worse.

[bunko]

[Later, a note is added to the note:]

And you will Share these worse Yes ?

[justice_is_blond]

[Written on a scrap of paper that smells of herbs:]

1. Fleas or mosquitoes or anything tiny that bites and spreads disease.
a. Inedible bird so I can fly without being shot.
b. No desire to drink blood or be diseased.
2. Because some Wardens smell.
3. iii
4. pass
5. A flea-ridden mabari
6. "Want a mabari? We have fifty thousand."
7. Anything that's not gruel from the Circle kitchen.
8. The Dalish spell that moves you through the ground to other places.
9. Don't walk around naked. Stay near the fire. If the fire dies, set a Templar on fire and you'll have entertainment and warmth.
10. No.
a. busy
b. Frozehold, remember?
c. busy
d. Why don't you sing your favorite for everyone?

[offortune]

1a. Are there inedible birds? 8. Moving through the ground sounds painful. 10d. Now you have done it. How can he choose a single favorite? We must debate this for the rest of the day.

Via Sending Crystal

[ombranera]

• Crows, at least the sort I know.

  1. Mmm, I think a dragon, as they are often left alone aside from insane travelers that do not know better.

  2. Because I have done that once before and it was terrible; so very boring and so very dull. Dragons are exciting!
     

• If it is cold people may pile upon one another for warmth. If it is too hot- no one wants to touch one another and sweat ruins good leather?

• Fortezza di Belleza. Have you SEEN everyone in the Inquisition? We are the most ridiculously attractive people in all of Thedas gathered to a single cause. Why not focus on that?

• Cullen: Leone d'oro; Josephine: Acciaio di Seta; Leliana: Pentola di Rame, though I do recommend NOT using this with Leliana unless you too have fought beside her while waist deep in darkspawn. She won't stab you, oh no, but you will never see her coming.

• Alistair's nose. Not the rest of him, only his nose.

• How about 'Saving the world while nobles fight amongst themselves. Again.' Does no one else here see a pattern?

• Alas, there is no fresh fish in the kitchen, only ones that have been picked or salted for transport. Nor do any of the cooks know how to make a proper pasta. How I long for a proper pot of Cioppino.

• Mmm...the lightening trick. You know the one- and if you do not? Clearly you have never been friendly enough with the right mages. 

• Survival tips of Zevran:

  1. Have a personal heater that does not mind you climbing into their tent/bedroll/person at all hours of the day.

  2. Low grade fire runes can be used to warm boots or bedrolls if you do not have the heater.

  3. While more bodies make for more warmth more than three to a bedroll makes things a little difficult, limb placement wise. Someone is going to get groped and someone is going to feel left out and someone is going to feel offended, alas.

• Of course! I simply feel as though he is a little overplayed and ought to take some time to develop new material. That is the trouble with being so popular with certain songs- you get stuck working the same set for too long.

[offortune]

If you were a dragon people would always be trying to kill you. I would not like that. But perhaps you are used to such things. I am sure many people try to kill you every day.

To five I say only his nose? Why only his nose? What does his nose have to recommend itself as a mascot?

To seven I say you are a cruel man, most cruel, to mention cioppino when we cannot have it. When will this Inquisition go to a place with sun and sea and real food worth eating?

To ten I say do not say that so loud or Scipio might be forced to call you out and I should hate to see you cut to ribbons just now as our noodle dispute is put to rest. Indeed I feel the urge myself and struggle to resist. One can never play the songs of Paule di Simone too often and of course he cannot write new ones as he has been dead these three years! To say otherwise slanders a genius of music.

[Written]

[arlathvhen]

[ What an odd survey, but Beleth decides that if it's for the best of the Inquisition, she'll go ahead and give it a try. Maybe it'll really help for them to know what animals she wants to be? So have some Very Dalish and probably kinda weird answers. ]

1) Mosquitoes
a) Halla
b) I don't want to drink blood, that sounds unpleasant. And I would probably get squished.
2) I like the Wardens, I don't understand this question? If you're cold and you don't want to go to the tavern, I would recommend the gardens.
3) Tarasyl'an Te'las. That was it's original Elvhen name, I don't see why we can't just use that.
4) Varric calls Cullen 'Curly' and Josephine 'Ruffles', I think those are nice nicknames. Josie is another nice one. Maybe you could call Cullen 'Len'? Obviously, Cul wouldn't be a very good one.
5) I've thought about it, and I think that a bear would be a good one! It's known to be fierce and protective. But it also hibernates in the winter, so maybe that's not the best one...Maybe a wolf! It doesn't hibernate, and it's fierce, protective, and works together as a group! Yes, a wolf would be good, I think.
6) I like the third one. I'm not very good at mottos.
7) My brother makes this very good venison soup with rice and okra. If he ever comes to Skyhold, I'll ask him to make you some.
8) Fireball.
9)
a) The best way to learn to handle the cold is to grow adjusted to it. The more time you spend barefoot, the less it bothers you. Don't wear shoes, even when it's not very cold. You'll get used to it in time.
b) Drink and eat warm food, warming yourself up from in inside out is very effective.
c) Make hot water, fill a water skin with it, and stick it in your shirt. Very toasty.
10) No.
a) No one's mentioned him before?
b) I'm Dalish
c) Why

[offortune]

[ This reply draws little arrows on her reply, right from the answers in question to more questions or comments. ]

3. Hard to pronounce??
4. Why Len but not Cul? Both equally dull. Ha! Rhyme!
5. Bear! We agree good choice. Good for cold weather and Grumpy. ✓✓✓✓✓✓
7. This soup sounds very nice. Is it spicy? We would be grateful to try it.
9a. Barefoot??????? Do you still have feet?????
10c. Because his ballads are the greatest in Thedas! Do Dalish not like music?

sending crystal;

[foxsays]

1; The most useless beast I have seen thus far is the bogfisher, unless the smell is the point?

1a; Had I a choice in the matter, I would like to be a fox.
1b; Not a bogfisher because as I said, the smell. Oh they have warty arses, no thank you.

2; As for the snow, people here are mad, they were throwing snowballs on First Day, if further proof is needeed.

3; Frostbit shithole in the sky. Why was anything built so high, I have short legs.

4; I only nickname those I know of in detail or those I know personally, I must abstain.

5; The little fennec foxes, those are very sweet.

6; "Architect pending"

7; Fish stew served in a bread bowl, prawns, clams, wine, and fish of course, garlic toasts optional. Keep the latter to yourselves and tell me when you're free and I'll bribe that head cook to give me some damn peace to make it again.

[She absolutely will okay. But do not spread her garlic toast skills, she will never know peace.]

8; Fade Step. Imagine the possibilities!

9; Staying indoors, brandy, Vashoth heating pad.

10; I have no idea who Paul di Simone is, I beg your forgiveness on this but as both of you know, I happen to be a rifter and so there is much I must learn of here, my time in the tavern is for making money and teaching.

[offortune]

You can make fish stew?? We are free immediately, now, later, at any time that it pleases you. For fish stew and garlic toasts we shall drop anything and everything only tell us when we may have it and how we can thank you our most gracious and lovely friend.

But to your other answers: UGH the Bogfisher! We encountered one in the Mire, we did not like it. Please do not turn into that we are agreed, they are terrible.

What is a Vashoth heating pad? Is it like the hot water bottle in the shirt or the heating rune?

We must introduce you to Paule di Simone immediately! You alone have reason not to know of the greatest bard in Thedas but you must learn as well as teach. When next we are in the tavern we will be sure the bard there sings all of his greatest songs for you.

sending crystal because he still can't read thedan script

[harthad_uluithiad]

[ indignantly ]

Useless animal! Why there's no such thing. 'Cept maybe for the slugs and snails destroying the leaves in the garden...or the midges in those marshes, trying to eat us all up...but they're not proper animals in any case, and I'm sure someone finds them useful somehow. But as for real animals, it don't matter if they're useful or not to you, they've all got their own lives and their own feelings and they should be left alone! You should be ashamed of yourselves, judging innocent animals that way.

Anyway who's asking?

[offortune]

Have you ever eaten a snail? They are delicious! The texture I will admit to you is strange, but with butter and garlic and a nice Antivan white they are-- [ he makes a sound like he's kissing the tips of his fingers, because he is. ] delicious.

But what about the animals others of your fellows have mentioned? Beetles and roaches, mosquitoes, things that carry disease? What worth do these have? Bogfishers?? Bogfishers do not have lives and feelings they merely have gas and anger. I am Rafael and my partner is Scipio and we are not ashamed for judging the biting insect or the bogfisher. Who are you?

[foodsofmypeople]

[Even his writing looks exasperated.]

If you boys are bored I can find you something to do - Kaidan.

[offortune]

We are not bored.