Who let him have a crystal?

[wardeneructate]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Oghren
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Are the crystals meant for important things? Then why did you give one to Oghren?
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Kirkwall
NOTES: Oghren is his own content warning.

[The message opens up with the mother of all belches. Did he mean to do that? Probably. This is Oghren. Besides, he has your attention now, right? That means it served a purpose so he'll go with it.]

So everyone's been in a mood with this Kirkwall business. All that grumbling and brooding about. Not good for the health, if you ask me.

[One second. He's gotta take a drink. And that noise you might hear is the tavern. Because he's taking a break for drinks okay. That's allowed.]

Alright, here's what we're going to do. We're going to play a sodding game for some laughs. It works like this. I start off and I tell two truths and then one big bleeding lie. Then you guess which the lie is. Get it right and then it's your turn to give me two truths and a lie.

Sound good? Alright then let's see here... Ah wait hang on...

[LOUD FART.]

Ahhhh. Better. Here we go. One time I was in a hurry and rushed out wearing only my girl's drawers. Another time there was a bronto that tried to make me its mate. And another time I spent a night with a bunch of nugs that left food for me when I woke up.

Go on then. Which one is the lie? Game is open to everyone.

Comments

[justice_is_blond]

It's the nugs, because that's the one that isn't sexual.

[wardeneructate]

Heh. You sure about that, Sparkles?

[justice_is_blond]

No, but that's why it's called a guess.

[wardeneructate]

So that's the one you're picking huh?

[He might be bluffing. Or he might be really amused that Anders picked a truth. Such is the beauty of the crystals. ANDERS CAN'T SEE HIS FACE.]

[justice_is_blond]

Are you going to tell me if I'm right or wrong, or are you going to continue taunting me?

[wardeneructate]

Heh. Got it wrong, Sparkles.

[See, he can be clever and knows people are figuring out how his brain works!]

[justice_is_blond]

That's the end of the game, then?

[wardeneructate]

Course not. I came up with the idea that now I keep track of how many swigs of alcohol you get to drink the next time we see each other.

So guess again. You got one on your tab.

[Anders...you are due to be so wasted.]

[justice_is_blond]

As long as it doesn't taste horrific. And all right. The bronto, then, because you've no shame so running out in someone else's underthings would be nothing new.

[wardeneructate]

I've got some good stuff. We'll drink that.

And that's two swigs you're taking, Sparkles.

[justice_is_blond]

Maker's breath. Seriously? Why would a bronto be, what, did you roll in a bronto den or something? Fine. It goes negative if you're wrong on mine, right? So...

[He trails off and takes a few moments to think.]

When I was fourteen I left two Templars naked and tied up and stuffed into apple barrels. More than ten patrons of the Blooming Rose, a brothel here in Kirkwall, have tried to hire me for... services. The one time I was in Denerim I got hopelessly lost and hopelessly drunk and that's the story of how I met Isabela.

[wardeneructate]

I get swigs added to my tab when I'm wrong. There'll be lots of drinking.

[...who is Isabela again? He feels like he remembers that name from something. Probably a Kirkwall thing.

Anyway...]

I'd believe that first one with how you made all those escape attempts. Not sure why you're not just saying you had lots of sex you got paid for though. Sounds like a good deal to me.

[HRRRRRRRRRRRM.]

I'll say that last one. Even if you get drunk easier than a nug.

[justice_is_blond]

I'd much prefer them being taken off my list, speaking of how easily I get drunk and seeing how you got your first guess wrong.

[wardeneructate]

Huh. How about that. Not sure who Isabela is though.

[Is she that pirate lady with the great chest years ago? Anders there are a lot of great breasts to remember over the years okay.]

Alright so you met a woman while drunk. Then I'll say the one about you being hired for sex a lot is the lie. You were probably busy healing or something.

[justice_is_blond]

Isabela, the pirate... never mind.

[He's not sure why he'd expect a guy who doesn't read much to know all that much about Hawke's crew, or why he'd expect a drunk guy to remember what Isabela had described as a passing meeting.]

You're right in which one is the lie, now, but you're wrong about why. It's been exactly ten who have tried to hire me. And exactly ten who have failed because I'm not some toy to be bought.

[wardeneructate]

Oh wait. I think I saw her years ago. Heh. Great view.

[SO HE WAS RIGHT. He's so glad.]

By my Ancestors! I would have been proud of you if you'd got some sex for money! Two with a stone or something like that.

[Oh well.]

So two swigs for you and one for me. Let's see here...my little nugget is a girl. I've currently got another dwarf I've been seeing. I was noble caste once.

[justice_is_blond]

[He snorts. He'll sell his healing, but his body is for his own pleasure, not someone thinking they'll get it for a few coins.]

You're not currently seeing another dwarf. That's the lie.

[Oghren may have run away from his marriage, but Anders doesn't think he'd start something that's not casual.]

[wardeneructate]

Heh. I can do the clever stuff too. Didn't say I was sleeping with the dwarf. Just seeing the dwarf.

[He's so damn pleased with himself.]

[justice_is_blond]

...There's an implication there, Oghren. I'm fairly certain that's dirty rather than clever.

[wardeneructate]

Means your mind is dirty and you still picked a truth.

[justice_is_blond]

Of course my mind is dirty, why do you think Nate stays with me? You said you had a dwarf you'd been seeing. Are you dating them, or was that deception?

[wardeneructate]

Never said anything about a relationship. Just that I was seeing a dwarf. So you going to pick the lie now, Sparkles?

[justice_is_blond]

You said got, which is have, which is more than just looking at someone so I still think that counts as a lie because of the implication.

[wardeneructate]

Sparkles, you have three swigs and you're going to drink them. Time to pick the lie.

[justice_is_blond]

I have earned two swigs, and I will drink two. You meant to be deceptive with the phrasing, so it was meant as a lie. My phrasing, on the other hand, was very precise. I'm not going to play further if you're adding in an extra lie and pretending you didn't.