therookery | The squeakiest elbows. (Open)

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Zapp Brannigéne
RECIPIENT: Open
WHAT: Zapp is a jerk who appreciates landscaping.
WHEN: Forward Dated to the 19th or thereabouts.
WHERE: Halamshiral
NOTES: Zapp will inevitably be racist, misogynistic, and generally an ignorant asshole. I apologize. Related to this log. This is Zapp's first post anywhere so feel free to have your characters either have no idea who this jerk is, or recognize his name/voice. He is sort of (in)famous.

Now, what is it I always say, Kif? The squeaky elbow gets all the grease it wants--[A heavy sigh resounds through the background, but the man speaking into the crystal continues, heedless of it.]--and these elves have some of the squeakiest elbows I've ever heard.

Good morning, men! [The boisterous and deceptively suave voice suddenly speaks directly into the crystal, addressing the Inquisition at large.] Now, I was walking around the poor parts of town with my man Kif, here, and imagine my surprise! This place is filthy. Sure, it's clean for an alienage, or a stable, or a--what's the word I'm looking for here, Kif?

[There's another sigh and a reserved voice replies: "I'm sure I dont know, sir."]

Bah--it doesn't matter. Let's get down to brass taxes, what I'm saying is: these elves have done a bang up job. Why, some of these trees are slightly less than dead, and this sappling in the burnt out stump is a real achievement in gardening.

I was so impressed by the tenacity of these poor, beaten down, slovenly people that I had Kif here haul down a bunch of brooms and paint. If some gardener can paint gold on leaves, by Andraste, we can paint over all this filth and make this burnt-out slum look liveable.

Who's with me?

[Zapp's rousing call to action is undermined by Kif clearing his voice and interjecting: "Sir, I don't think anyone around here has gold paint."]

What why not?

["Because they're poor, sir, and nobody paints trees."]

Well maybe we should, that one's clearly an improvement. That's it Kif, go fetch some gold paint, we'll paint the rest to match.

[The message ends on a heavy, drawn out sigh.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Unfortunately I have to say Valentine makes a lot more sense then this man, delusional as he is. He's actually educated.

So you get why I wasn't completely thrilled to come to Orlais?

I didn't believe it was actually possible for there to be someone else like Valentine. I honestly didn't. I thought he was an anomaly.

It's called Orlais. I'm afraid they aren't the only ones like this either.

Least I can find some of the things Valentine says amusing

Is Orlais supposed to mean something I'm not aware of?

You mean like the fact every time he sees me he panics because he thinks I'm diseased?

Just a breeding ground of people much like Valentine and this other man. I can admit that not everyone is terrible, but the majority?

[Ferelden is just better, Kirk.]

That is pretty funny. He kind of just bolts.

I wouldn't say all. Seems like so far it's just the people in power and that's the crux of the problem, isn't it?

_{[ He totally believes you, Sam. Or let's be Earth instead where, you
know, everyone's treated decently. ]}

I've tried correcting him, but now I just see it as something to keep in my back pocket and make useful when it counts. And you know, get a laugh on a bad day.

Well there are a lot of nobles or at least quite a number of Houses.

[The world could end and they're still fighting. Could take a while for that to happen.]

I wonder if he'll start thinking me diseased since I'm around you so much.

It's quite possible. I'm surprised he doesn't think that of most people, honestly.

[There's a lengthy pause on Sam's end, the silence eventually being interrupted by a long sigh.]

I suppose I spoke too soon.

He actually thinks I'm quite the opposite of diseased.

Oh? You managed to charm the man? I'm surprised he stopped talking long enough for you to get a word in edge-wise.

I'm equally as surprised.

[He did enjoy hearing himself talk quite a bit after all.]

I don't think I charmed him... rather- I'm not sure how it happened but apparently he thinks I'm charmed by him. Or at least attracted to him.

_{[ He laughs. ]}

That I can believe.

_{[ This also gives him idea. Sam might hear the noise of this in the
evil little giggle he makes. ]}

[Glad that you think his predicament is amusing, Jim.]

Should I be concerned with the noise you're making?

No, no, not at all.

I'll tell you when we're alone.

_{[ And, you know, not on an open crystal post from Zapp. ]}

You do know you can set the crystals to privately send to others.

[Just saying, but in person was probably safer.]

(no subject)

universal_charm - 2016-08-21 05:18 (UTC) - Expand

el_tybs - 2016-08-21 05:42 (UTC) - Expand

How sweet you are. I'm touched, monsieur.

[Right, anyone could hear this. Well crap.]

Don't let it get to your head. We're still not doing that body shot thing.

I hadn't suggested it. Though now that you have, it's a suggestion that exists in the world. And one you've been thinking about?

[That had honestly been an attempt to stop Valentine from suggesting it now that he's heard something akin to a compliment, but that seems to have backfired.]

I've just a good memory is all.

Ah. Of course.

Well, I am deeply flattered, my friend, but I must remind you: it was only one snow fight.

Let me guess it takes two snowball fights to get that far.

[Even though sarcastic he is finding this conversation a lot more tolerable then with the other guy.]

Or you suggesting that you have to play dead several times to get someone?

[See? It could always be worse. You could end up with a Zapp Brannigéne!]

You minx. I know what that means. I was wrapped in layers, and yet you still admired my prone form. What an eye you have. I won't tell you that you were wrong--there is much to be admired--or that you were wrong to do so.

But I protest. One snow fight, monsieur. We hardly know one another.

[He's hoping that he's never given only those two choices. He'll certainly pick the lesser of two evils, but still.

Was he just called a minx?]

I what? I'm pretty sure I did no such thing - I only checked your pulse, which I was rewarded a snowball in the face, thanks.

I agree, we hardly do.

No, no--please. Already you have said to much. We cannot let ourselves get carried away with pulses.

I haven't said- I'm not talking about that kind of pulse!

[Sam groans. Maker what did he get himself in to?]