Zap Brannigan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thezapper) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
therookery2016-08-14 02:37 pm
thezapper) wrote in therookery2016-08-14 02:37 pm
The squeakiest elbows. (Open)
FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Zapp Brannigéne
RECIPIENT: Open
WHAT: Zapp is a jerk who appreciates landscaping.
WHEN: Forward Dated to the 19th or thereabouts.
WHERE: Halamshiral
NOTES: Zapp will inevitably be racist, misogynistic, and generally an ignorant asshole. I apologize. Related to this log. This is Zapp's first post anywhere so feel free to have your characters either have no idea who this jerk is, or recognize his name/voice. He is sort of (in)famous.
Now, what is it I always say, Kif? The squeaky elbow gets all the grease it wants--[A heavy sigh resounds through the background, but the man speaking into the crystal continues, heedless of it.]--and these elves have some of the squeakiest elbows I've ever heard.
Good morning, men! [The boisterous and deceptively suave voice suddenly speaks directly into the crystal, addressing the Inquisition at large.] Now, I was walking around the poor parts of town with my man Kif, here, and imagine my surprise! This place is filthy. Sure, it's clean for an alienage, or a stable, or a--what's the word I'm looking for here, Kif?
[There's another sigh and a reserved voice replies: "I'm sure I dont know, sir."]
Bah--it doesn't matter. Let's get down to brass taxes, what I'm saying is: these elves have done a bang up job. Why, some of these trees are slightly less than dead, and this sappling in the burnt out stump is a real achievement in gardening.
I was so impressed by the tenacity of these poor, beaten down, slovenly people that I had Kif here haul down a bunch of brooms and paint. If some gardener can paint gold on leaves, by Andraste, we can paint over all this filth and make this burnt-out slum look liveable.
Who's with me?
[Zapp's rousing call to action is undermined by Kif clearing his voice and interjecting: "Sir, I don't think anyone around here has gold paint."]
What why not?
["Because they're poor, sir, and nobody paints trees."]
Well maybe we should, that one's clearly an improvement. That's it Kif, go fetch some gold paint, we'll paint the rest to match.
[The message ends on a heavy, drawn out sigh.]
SENDER: Zapp Brannigéne
RECIPIENT: Open
WHAT: Zapp is a jerk who appreciates landscaping.
WHEN: Forward Dated to the 19th or thereabouts.
WHERE: Halamshiral
NOTES: Zapp will inevitably be racist, misogynistic, and generally an ignorant asshole. I apologize. Related to this log. This is Zapp's first post anywhere so feel free to have your characters either have no idea who this jerk is, or recognize his name/voice. He is sort of (in)famous.
Now, what is it I always say, Kif? The squeaky elbow gets all the grease it wants--[A heavy sigh resounds through the background, but the man speaking into the crystal continues, heedless of it.]--and these elves have some of the squeakiest elbows I've ever heard.
Good morning, men! [The boisterous and deceptively suave voice suddenly speaks directly into the crystal, addressing the Inquisition at large.] Now, I was walking around the poor parts of town with my man Kif, here, and imagine my surprise! This place is filthy. Sure, it's clean for an alienage, or a stable, or a--what's the word I'm looking for here, Kif?
[There's another sigh and a reserved voice replies: "I'm sure I dont know, sir."]
Bah--it doesn't matter. Let's get down to brass taxes, what I'm saying is: these elves have done a bang up job. Why, some of these trees are slightly less than dead, and this sappling in the burnt out stump is a real achievement in gardening.
I was so impressed by the tenacity of these poor, beaten down, slovenly people that I had Kif here haul down a bunch of brooms and paint. If some gardener can paint gold on leaves, by Andraste, we can paint over all this filth and make this burnt-out slum look liveable.
Who's with me?
[Zapp's rousing call to action is undermined by Kif clearing his voice and interjecting: "Sir, I don't think anyone around here has gold paint."]
What why not?
["Because they're poor, sir, and nobody paints trees."]
Well maybe we should, that one's clearly an improvement. That's it Kif, go fetch some gold paint, we'll paint the rest to match.
[The message ends on a heavy, drawn out sigh.]
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I'm sorry.
[It could be for anything, but mostly it's because Zapp's on the network and he doesn't know how to stop this.]
switching to private to not get kif in trouble
In fact, it sounds as if you could use a drink or two, maybe some pleasant company.
[private]
[He sighs.]
Thank you for the offer, but I have a mess to clean up. This is going to take hours. At least he hasn't insulted anyone in command yet.
[Yay, small bright sides.]
[always private]
[after a pause, as he considers all of this.] I'll come help you then.
[always private]
The way you said human... You should know that I'm near him and he hates elves.
[Because this guy isn't human and doesn't sound like a dwarf or a qunari, as far as Kif can tell.]
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The vallaslin tend to give me away.
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[ooc; want to action spam this on your journal?]
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[ooc: yes! here!]