Accidentally Public

[mythalenaste]

FORM: Sending Crystal
SENDER: Pel
RECIPIENT: EVERYONE (accidentally; intended for Varric)
WHAT: Varric hired Pel to give him opinions on his new chapters. She delivers.
WHEN: The day after the funeral
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Spoilers for the next chapter of Swords and Shields

Varric, this is really silly.

First off, the knight-captain can't just escape this complex web you've spun because something even more sinister killed everyone else.

Second, she can't be pregnant. Her lover is a woman. And don't say it's blood magic. You only get to use the blood magic excuse once a serial.

Maybe you should keep writing the next Hard in Hightown?

Comments

[hugeinorlais]

[Varric had, quite literally, the archdemon of all hangovers, so it took him a moment to identify the voice speaking to him. He rubbed at his eyes and, there was a very long pause before he responded. Unfortunately, in his state, he basically Replied to All rather than just his new editor.]

But if I don't kill of everyone else, then the reconciliation scene seems hollow. Also I never said blood magic. It's not always blood magic.

[He paused and sighed.]

Alright, I'll think of something that isn't blood magic.

[mythalenaste]

It's too easy if everyone's just dead and she's free. Make her fight her way out or something. All she needs is a way out--oh, I know. She's sick in the cell because of the baby. They make her wade in it for a few days then the guards start complaining of the stink, so they take her out to clean everything up and she realizes it's her chance. Weak and ill, she takes one of their swords and slaughters her way out of the dungeon, then spends days crawling through the forest escaping capture.

...Maybe make the guard slip in the sick and hit his head. He's a bastard.

[hugeinorlais]

Pregnant women left to sit in vomit and then clawing through the forest covered in blood?

[Varric is silent for a stretch.]

I'll definitely give you points for enthusiasm, but no, that's a little bit too dark for a romance serial.

How about...oh, I don't know? She feigns illness, one of the guards checks on her, and she knocks him out and sneaks out the back?

Or blood mages.

[mythalenaste]

Feigning illness never works.

Her lady love rescues her? A brave act, from someone who's no warrior.

[arlathvhen]

[ Beleth opens her mouth to give a serious answer, then realizes belatedly that Pel is not trying to give her a book review. She could tactfully inform Pel, perhaps even in person. Unfortunately for Pel, she's something like a sister to Beleth, which means she is subjected to something like sibling teasing. ]

...Yes, well, I'll get right on that. After I finish shaving my chest, or maybe scowling at a stack of letters?

[mythalenaste]

...How did you manage to listen in?

[arlathvhen]

...Blood magic?

[fleurdesel]

This. This is what had my apprentices weeping in their tent? This is what we've come to?

[mythalenaste]

It's rubbish, isn't it? At least if everyone's heard what I've said it means he has to change it.

[fleurdesel]

I should hope so. If something is fit to make Camille weep I would have it be something worthwhile. Not...this.

(not here)

[cicatrices]

[ no spoilers no spoiLERS HOW DO YOU TURN THIS OFF ]

[cicatrices]

You are both broadcasting this-- this [ wonderful exciting epic ] nonsense to every single Inquisition crystal. Find another way to converse. [ Before she hears too much or accidentally reacts to something she should not know or care about. ] You are distracting people. [ Like her. ]

[hugeinorlais]

[There's a short, hung-over groan as Cassandra comes over his crystal. Her sharp speech was enough to cut through a dwarf when he was sober as the stone, now? Now she could have punched him and done less damage. Wait...why was Cassandra talking? What had she said?

Shit.]

Wait--Every single crystal? [Varric suddenly sounds utterly awake. They'd argued half his plot points. He was going to have to throw the whole draft out and start over.]

[mythalenaste]

Sorry. I thought I'd worked out how to make it private.

[kremdelacreme]

_{[Thus far he's just been listening to all the chatter and keeping his laughter muffled, but he knows that tone. That sudden 'oh shit'.]}

Please don't scrap anything those were really good ideas.

_{[whispered so nobody can tell it's him. Nobody can ever know he reads this tripe. Nobody.]}

[hugeinorlais]

[Was that a whisper of vindication?]

What's that? Do I hear someone with a positive outlook on this story?

[And, to Pel, albeit really messily as this is a group conversation:]

I told you it was a more satisfying conclusion with all the murders!

[mythalenaste]

If you want to end it with all the murders, go straight ahead. You're the one with the reputation at stake. Just tell me why it's more satisfying than making sense.

[kremdelacreme]

What if it was a momentary tryst while she was away from her lover, for her to have gotten pregnant?

_{[Sorry he's getting a little excited now.]}

If her lover goes to get her, could she have help? Maybe hired someone discreet, maybe as a guide or extra muscle. That way she can still go in, have the daring rescue! More realistic, and maybe she can still get sick. Just...not everywhere. And the murders, keep most of them. More climactic that way.

_{[So glad he's in his quarters at the moment, nobody can see the big dumb grin.]}

[bunko]

Wait, wait, wait. How long is this tale, and how many deaths under sinister circumstances are there?

[hugeinorlais]

About three volumes and...oh...only about a dozen. I would have bumped it up to twice that but apparently that's lazy storytelling.

[mythalenaste]

It makes death cheap. Makes life cheap. You can't convince your readers to care about your characters if you're killing them off wholesale. Regular life is like that. Books shouldn't be.

[bunko]

I see.

And how many near deaths, narrowly evaded?

In Person

[hugeinorlais]

[Varric, true to his word, arrived shortly after hanging up. He'd clearly shrugged his duster on and looked he'd been trampled by a small herd of druffalo, but that was neither here nor there. It took him a few seconds to spot Pel and the incredulous expression he shot her maintained as he moved over to where she was laid out, his novel in hand.]

How did you get punched in the chest? [He could not comprehend this; she was clever but not the kind of clever that meant lots of barfights.] What happened?

[mythalenaste]

Drunk templar. I was trying to leave while some idiot started blaming mages for the Divine's death, and she took it to mean I was a mage and a coward to boot.

[Her breaths are somewhat shallow; nothing is broken, but breathing still hurts.]

I said the wrong thing.

[Is that a hint of a smile?]

[hugeinorlais]

Was it an insult? Because if it wasn't I'm going to be disappointed.

[He winces slightly as she talks, but refrains from commenting on her shallow breathing.

Of course there was a fight. Shove a bunch of lost, confused people into an "inspirational" diplomatic circus like that funeral? Then add alcohol afterward? It was inevitable that someone was going to do something dumb. Hell, that was why he got drunk in private.]

Curly or the Seeker snatched up the culprit, right?