03.

[assistente]

FORM: sending crystal
SENDER: Seneschal Salvio Pizzicagnolo
RECIPIENT: everyone, anyone
WHAT: an announcement + an update + addressing some complaints
WHEN: now!
WHERE: Kirkwall
NOTES: apply for building permits, ask questions, or request projects for base ops here. make your inevitable complaints at the complaint box.

Hello. This is-- [oh, Maker] Seneschal Pizzicagnolo. Salvio Pizzicagnolo. I am-- have been named. Seneschal.

[And if he sounds a little like he's going to cry about it, that's because he is going to cry about it.]

Seneschal, to the Inquisition's base in, in Kirkwall. Head of Base Operations. Um, we have been without a seneschal for some time, now, since Cassof-- That is to say that I am, in the process, of setting to order all of the, the neglec-- ah, the pending, requests and-- though, um, in light of the news from Orlais, there will of course be a necessary focus of efforts and resources in the, uh, in that particular-- area. Diplomacy and, ah, well. This office would not of course speculate on-- just, this office would ask that you please, when making a request or proposal-- bear that in mind, please.

Um. The, the complaint box is still to be utilized as the--receptacle, for legitimate complaints. With the goal to efficiently improve the quality of the working environment in order to optimize the Inquisition's efforts. To that end, the complaint lodged by-- [a quiet rustling, as he finds the complaint] --Coupe, that "we must recruit an assistant to the Seneschal," and the, ah, filing of the paperwork--well, yes. That is. That is settled. Complaint answered. And I have assistance from a, uh, able-bodied-- I mean, the workload is not too great, it is-- But I have an assistant. Assistance. I mean. [Maker but he wishes he was just the assistant to the seneschal again.]

Similarly, the anonymous complaint, that the-- the complaint box, itself, is too small--I have placed a larger one in its place. It is, uh, still outside of-- of the Base Operations office. Please make proper use of it as you see fit.

To a more actionable end. Um. Brother Jehan Mercier has entered a complaint, that on several occasions he has noted that the, uh-- "the figurines of Andraste and Hessarian in the alcove shrine in the mage tower have been rearranged to imply a romantic liaison." And that he has found carved into the back of one of the chapel pews a rather-- a rather bawdy rhyme. [The shuffling of the paper this time is Salvio creasing folding it in half and putting it back in its file. Please no to this.] One about Andraste that, that does not bear repeating, but-- look, Brother Mercier has suggested, and I, I agree, that-- we cannot spare staff to safeguard the sacred spaces but we might all just. Just stop. With that sort of thing. Please. There is much to do and-- and talents might be turned elsewhere toward matters more, um, productive. To the Inquisition. Especially in these days.

Yes. So. That will be-- that's, uh, all. For now. Please direct concerns to the-- the appropriate letter-box and complaints to the complaint box.

Thank you.

Comments

[motherfucking_ghost]

Well, if this happens, we know whose idea it was and who to blame.

But nobody's going to fill the box with honey.

Right, Helena? Nobody is going to do that thing.

It's just a...quirk of wording. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of this public speaking schtick. Probably.

[assistente]

Ah.

[Does he... dare to believe this... or take it as it seems to be, which is a warning wrapped in a declaration?

Perhaps he will research a way to deter ants and honey from boxes. Just to be safe.]

I-- see. Yes. I am not-- I would not have suspected that anyone would, have-- The thought would not have crossed my mind. Until now.

[strangel]

Seneschal should be more aware of risks and dangers, I think.

Do not be worrying. I will not bring you ants or honey to complaining box.

[assistente]

[Aware of a risk of honey?]

Or anything similar. To-- to ants. Or honey. Only complaints. Complaints, written out, on a page. In ink.

[strangel]

You see, already you are learning.

( She sounds genuinely delighted. )

This will be serving well as Seneschal.

[assistente]

[Maker's--]

I know about specificity. [But, also, with the air of a route response--] Thank you.

[strangel]

You are being welcome.

Do you like Seneschalling?

[assistente]

Being the seneschal, you mean? That--

[Salvio cycles through a litany of possible responses--no, by Andraste no, absolutely not, yes in a way, I would rather eat fried goat arsehole than do the work of a seneschal but not because I do not like work or responsibility and not because I particularly care for fried goat arsehole--before he settles on a weak--]

I like to work.

[But it's true, so. It's not like the statement lacks conviction.]

[strangel]

( Her eyes narrow. )

But this is specific work, yes? Herding Inquisition goats as they run around, chewing everything they find and complaining of each other.

[assistente]

No, because goats are charming.

[--He says, before he has thought it out and then before he can stop himself.]

I-- That was a joke. Um. I really do like the work.

[strangel]

( Helena laughs, a quiet, raspy sound. )

And goats make less pointless bleating sounds, yes?

Don't worry, funny Seneschal man. Your secret is being safe with me.

[assistente]

Goats are-- Look, it's not--

[a secret, but is there really any point to arguing this, or anything else, and Salvio gives up mid-protest to heave a sigh instead.]

Thank you. I suppose. Yes.

[strangel]

You are much welcome.

Is it you I should let know if I see people being rude to Inquisition staffs?

[assistente]

Um. Perhaps. Yes. Or else I could direct you towards the proper-- the proper place to submit a report about-- well, so, what sort of-- er, what were the circumstances of this?

[strangel]

If people from Kirkwalls pour soup on us.

An example, only.

[assistente]

[what]

An-- example. Then... this hasn't happened, yet? [Uh.] Soup... pouring?

[strangel]

Not yet. Wine pouring, though, that has happened.

[assistente]

Oh.

Well... it was, perhaps, a mistake. Um. I have-- suffered, that mistake myself.

[motherfucking_ghost]

There are some, uh...odd people here. And I don't just mean the Rifters, man. But like, stuffing complaint boxes full of things symbolizing a complaint? Not unheard of. Just sayin'.

[assistente]

Yes. I know about 'odd people'. I have--

[Errrr. Never mind.]

--stories, but they are not. Uh. I wouldn't... give names, or-- Never mind. The slot, for the complaints? It is very small. That will do--some work, to deter.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Okay, Pizzi--Pi--[it's Italian and he's not sure he can wrap his tongue around it only hearing it once] Seneschal Pez. [church...] You work on that public speaking, and we'll have someone from base ops come by once a day and make sure the box isn't messed with, if that'll ease your mind a little, capisce?

[assistente]

[what, who, what]

Yes. Very-- good.

[Meanwhile thinking, Ca-peesh?

But it's all said with such self-assurance that Salvio nearly, nearly just lets it all pass by. All he wants in life is for someone to set him to a task while they, the authority, take care of everything else. Of course, public speaking is not something he will ever truly work at, or--

well, but, wait.]

Er-- but I, um. Am, Base Operations. I mean, that is my-- job.

[motherfucking_ghost]

Eh. [you can practically hear the hand waggle] I mean you are, but are you? [church what the fuck does that even mean] I mean you're not new to all this in general, but you're new to being the top dog, right? I'm just saying you can let someone else handle the details, man. 'Til you're settled.

[assistente]

Well-- yes. [Or--] Perhaps.

[Um.]

Very-- very good, then.

[strangel]

No. Would be waste of honey.

( Please, she has priorities. )