crystal.

[exequy]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Kostos & Nell
RECIPIENT: Crystal owners in or near Wycome
WHAT: Questions
WHEN: The night before the Grand Melee
NOTES: cries about our lack of texting

I lost a bet. [ Just getting that out of the way now, before anyone thinks that he actually wants to be talking to any of you. ] I have to ask you these survey questions. You will not be able to remember them all, so answer whichever you have something interesting to say about.

[ And you know what's really fun to listen to? Nearly twenty questions read off a sheet of paper, rotely and with barely any inflection, by someone whose combination of Nevarran and Orlesian accent gets more difficult to understand the more annoyed he is. ]

One. The weirdest thing you've eaten here.

Two. The most successful quote, international relation, end quote.

Three. The most impressive thing you've seen. —that is horrifically broad, Nell.

[ From some distance away: ] Your mother is horrifically broad.

Maybe.

Four, the strangest banner or coat of arms or nickname. From a competitor, I assume.

Five, the best one of those things.

Six, the most entertaining failure. From a competitor, I assume again.

Seven. Who do you think will win the Grand Melee, and how much are you willing to wage on it? If it is more than ten sovereigns, please let me know.

Eight. The most drinks you've had in one night this week.

Nine. The Inquisition member most likely to get married here and leave the Inquisition forever.

Ten. Best prize.

Eleven. Best facial hair.

Twelve. The competitor you would prefer to swap bodies with for a—this is stupid.

[ Still over his shoulder somewhere: ] For a day! Come on!

A stupid day. Thirteen, the event you wish had been included.

Fourteen, your best guess as to what made the animals so sticky.

Fifteen. The nation here you would most like to party with.

Sixteen. The nation here most likely to be cheating.

Seventeen. Best muscles.

Eighteen. The event you would have won if it existed.

Nineteen, the combat event animal that likely had the cutest offspring waiting for it at ho— [ Rapidly getting louder: ] Maker's tits, that is not on the list—! And wyverns aren't cute! [ There are sounds of a brief scuffle, and then it cuts off. ]

Comments

[faithlikeaseed]

What!! [HUFF] What have they been feeding you?? And how do I get some?

[that's good because he's garbage]

S'pose if I do go and cut myself and the magic's stayed with you, you can see if you're any better at healing than I am. Maybe you'd have a knack for it.

[nadasharillen]

A traditional Dalish secret, I'm afraid. [ho ho ho] If you want to be tall you're going to have to renounce your faith, move to the darkest part of the forest, and eat innocent shem'len children for every meal. Including dessert.

[...was that too deadpan?]

Anyway, we'll never know unless we try!

[faithlikeaseed]

[can you hear the horrified expression he's making, nari

he's doing it extra hard]

Including dessert?

[he tries for humor there but something trips over a memory of the tirashan and the forgotten ones and the laughter behind the words is a little strangled, a little strained.

deep breath. move on.]

Right, but--how? You don't have anything on you for trading bodies you haven't told me about, have you? Another Dalish secret?

[nadasharillen]

[Right. There are more than a handful of people in the Inquisition for whom such jokes touch one nerve or another.

Stay cheerful!]

Unfortunately in this case the secret is there isn't a secret.

...Or perhaps fortunately. Think of the possible horrors of the entire Inquisition both trading bodies and seven inches taller.

[faithlikeaseed]

...I don't know, that sounds like the ticket to beating Corypheus to me. At least all of us being seven inches taller does, but there's surely a tactical use to swapping bodies around. Element of surprise, maybe. Clearly an area we ought to be researching.

[nadasharillen]

You can put it on your list of things to do when we return to Kirkwall. [ 8) ]

[faithlikeaseed]

[g r o a n]

We're going to run out of paper in the Gallows if I extend that list any more, [melodramatically].

But consider me on it. I'll get around to it by, mm, the dawn of the next Age or so.