crystal.

[exequy]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Kostos & Nell
RECIPIENT: Crystal owners in or near Wycome
WHAT: Questions
WHEN: The night before the Grand Melee
NOTES: cries about our lack of texting

I lost a bet. [ Just getting that out of the way now, before anyone thinks that he actually wants to be talking to any of you. ] I have to ask you these survey questions. You will not be able to remember them all, so answer whichever you have something interesting to say about.

[ And you know what's really fun to listen to? Nearly twenty questions read off a sheet of paper, rotely and with barely any inflection, by someone whose combination of Nevarran and Orlesian accent gets more difficult to understand the more annoyed he is. ]

One. The weirdest thing you've eaten here.

Two. The most successful quote, international relation, end quote.

Three. The most impressive thing you've seen. —that is horrifically broad, Nell.

[ From some distance away: ] Your mother is horrifically broad.

Maybe.

Four, the strangest banner or coat of arms or nickname. From a competitor, I assume.

Five, the best one of those things.

Six, the most entertaining failure. From a competitor, I assume again.

Seven. Who do you think will win the Grand Melee, and how much are you willing to wage on it? If it is more than ten sovereigns, please let me know.

Eight. The most drinks you've had in one night this week.

Nine. The Inquisition member most likely to get married here and leave the Inquisition forever.

Ten. Best prize.

Eleven. Best facial hair.

Twelve. The competitor you would prefer to swap bodies with for a—this is stupid.

[ Still over his shoulder somewhere: ] For a day! Come on!

A stupid day. Thirteen, the event you wish had been included.

Fourteen, your best guess as to what made the animals so sticky.

Fifteen. The nation here you would most like to party with.

Sixteen. The nation here most likely to be cheating.

Seventeen. Best muscles.

Eighteen. The event you would have won if it existed.

Nineteen, the combat event animal that likely had the cutest offspring waiting for it at ho— [ Rapidly getting louder: ] Maker's tits, that is not on the list—! And wyverns aren't cute! [ There are sounds of a brief scuffle, and then it cuts off. ]

Comments

[champions]

You cannot be taken anywhere, can you?

[exequy]

No, she cannot.

[ Is Marisol talking about him? There's a 33% chance. There's also a 33% chance she means both of them. But he is so, so, so blameless here. ]

[goldsteins]

Twenty. Do you really expect someone to answer all of this?

[Not even touching the bizarre questions.]

[exequy]

Every one, in order.

[ No. ]

[periastron]

The best muscles are mine, obviously.

[galvanising]

We'll need proof of that.

[faithlikeaseed]

[Is that a memory challenge?

That sounds like a memory challenge.]

What someone claimed was fried ginger beer;

I heard a Fereldan and an Orlesian going at it like cats two nights ago, so score one for diplomacy;

Nothing, sadly, though a Vint battlemage fighting a grown dragon makes a tremendous amount of noise;

"The Universal Spider," which I'm assuming sounds better in the original Orlesian;

"The Harlequin Knight," on the grounds of real commitment to the aesthetic;

That fellow who tripped over himself on his way to the archery butts and ended up coated in an inch of batter and two quarts of syrup;

The Inquisition, of course, and I'll put a sovereign on it;

Two and a third, by volume;

I'm devastated you and Knight-Enchanter Voss weren't using this to announce your nuptials;

The bear hats;

That Fereldan fellow with the mustache, I've heard, that looks like a live weasel;

Who's the tallest of them? Is that still the fellow with the weasel mustache? Hm.

Flyting--we'd've taken that one for sure;

Unscrupulous creation mages who I'm going to have that spell out of;

Antiva;

[Dryly,] I've heard those Hasmalis are slippery;

I'll get back to you on that one once I've completed a full survey of the competitors--some of them are tetchy about me touching their arms, wonder why;

Answering surveys;

The phoenixes--or why else would they bother to reproduce, if the phoenixlets weren't cute?

[exsecutus]

The directive was to answer whichever question about which you had something interesting to say.

[The only thing more annoying than listening to his stupid brother read off twenty questions is hearing someone answering twenty questions like come on]

[galvanising]

Fried beer?

[nadasharillen]

[applause for memory skills]

Let's us switch for a day. No need for changes to tenting arrangement that way, and I want to see whether or not I can suddenly cast magic or if you still can.

[mischief] I've got an inch on you, if taller is still important.

[elegiaque]

Coupe wants that win the most. If she doesn't get it, whoever does should stop sleeping.

[galvanising]

Are you accusing our esteemed Commander of being a poor sport?

[sorcerised]

What's wrong with wyverns? They're often cute, all kinds of dragons are. You really ought to give them more of a chance! The babies are downright adorable, you know.

[faithlikeaseed]

That's how they get you.

[exequy]

Of course they are. And being devoured by adorable babies while you are still a bit alive is a much better way to die than being devoured by ugly ones.

[keenly]

I want to party with Antiva.

[Else he will spend his life feeling guilty, the ghost of his mother haunting him disapprovingly for acting like he's not just as Antivan as he is Fereldan. Despite barely having visited Antiva.]

[galvanising]

Why? Other than the wine, that's much too obvious. Is it the mustaches? They are impressive.

[justice_is_blond]

For thirteen, they need a cat beauty contest. Or a 'watch Fereldans wrestle in mud wait that's every day of the week" contest.

And one of my cats would have won the beauty contest, so that's me winning.

[galvanising]

Wouldn't it be your cat winning? What've you got to do with it being born pretty?

[aforethought]

What's the bet?

[exequy]

Who would win the magic melee.

[the_cleric]

I would wager eleven sovereigns.

[galvanising]

Would you? On whom?

[winterwinds]

If there had been a pie baking event, I bet I'd have a real crack at that.

Though we did pretty good in the magical melee, too!

[galvanising]

I'm surprised there wasn't a pie-baking contest. I'd imagined it would be a bit like the country festivals you read about where everyone is comparing their gigantic onions and whose cow has the best teeth and who can eat the most pies in five minutes. You should suggest it for next time.

[byblow]

I think the animals were sticky because of sabotage. Some of them were rubbed down with potions or something before the event. Someone really ought to do something.

[galvanising]

If those were potions I think whoever bought them got tricked, they're clearly just syrup.