OPEN.

[degenere]

FORM: sending crystal
SENDER: Val de Foncé
RECIPIENT: everyone, you cannot escape
WHAT: joke time
WHEN: a slightly respectful length of time after the death announcemet. emphasis on slightly.
NOTES: full offense, but you guys smell

Inquisition.

[Very serious, very Orlesian.]

There were three Fereldans walking the streets of Kirkwall and they came upon a large brown pile. As the streets of Kirkwall are so very narrow, the brown pile was quite blocking their way, so that they had but two choices to them: they could either tramp through the pile, or they could turn back.

The first Fereldan approached the pile, leaned down, and looked very hard at it. "By the Lady!" he said. "This looks like shit."

The second Ferelden approached the pile beside him, leaned down, and took a great big sniff. "Maker!" he cried. "This smells of shit!"

The third Ferelden approached the pile beside his companions, leaned down, put his finger into the pile, and the put his finger in his mouth. "By Andraste's sword!" he exclaimed. "This tastes of shit!"

The three Fereldens turned to go back the way that they had come, saying to one another, "It's a good thing we didn't walk in that!"

[GET IT.]

There! Now our mood is lightened. I welcome anyone that would try to outmatch me in jokes.

Comments

[byblow]

What do the Fex have in common with clever Fereldans? In Thedas there’s never been a confirmed sighting of either.

How do you blind a Fereldan? Hand him a bottle of whisky.

[ Obviously his accent is Fereldan. But going on, he does a passable imitation of an Orlesian when called for. ]

A Fereldan living in Orlais got sick of all the jokes people told about him, so he went home one night and memorized the capital of every nation in Thedas. The next day he told his Orlesian friends what he’d done, and one of them said, “Sure you did, Gareth. What’s the capital of Tevinter?” And he said, “T.”

An Orlesian walks into a tavern in Jader and says, “Who wants to hear a Fereldan joke?” And the bartender says, “Before you go any further, you should know I’m Fereldan, and so is Gareth Lloyd over there, and Gareth Baker in the back, and so’s Moran here, and she’s stronger than all of us. You still want to tell that joke?” And the Orlesian says, “No, not if I will have to explain it four times.”

[degenere]

[ASTONISHING. A self-aware Fereldan with good jokes doing a... fairly good Orlesian accent. Val is more than amused, and laughs.]

Amazing. You have done this before, haven't you. A contest of jokes.

[It is a contest so it must continue!]

A Fereldan wins a fantastic horse in a contest. Pure luck! He rides through the streets waving at everyone, so that they can admire his horse. One day, he is accosted by Antivan bandits. The bandits drag him from the horse and draw a circle in the dirt, and they tell the Fereldan, "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." And then they pick up their knives and begin butchering and skinning the beautiful horse. Such a waste, and such a pity, yes?

But when the Antivan bandits look back at the Fereldan, they find that he is smiling. They cut the head from the horse and now, the Fereldan begins to laugh. So the bandits go to him and ask, "Why are you laughing? We just slaughtered your horse!"

The Fereldan says, "I know, but I stepped out of the circle nine times."

[byblow]

[ Alistair laughs. If Ferelden doesn't want him to laugh, maybe Ferelden shouldn't have kicked him out.

—no, that's not fair. He would have laughed before all of that, too. ]

Now you're dragging Antiva into this? They've done nothing wrong.

[degenere]

They seemed the likeliest for bandits.

Would it be more convincing if the horse was a magnificent little ship and the streets were a bay and the bandits were pirates?

[byblow]

Yes. It would be. Next time tell it that way. Or assassins! Assassins killing the Fereldan's friend.

[degenere]

The part where they butcher the horse with plans to eat him would become terribly gruesome.

Of course, it is my personal belief that butchering so noble a beast is a signature sort of gruesome on the own of it, but I know there is disagreement.

[byblow]

As long as it isn’t a dog. Unless you’re looking to start a fight, I suppose.

[degenere]

Were it left to me, the bandits would harm no animals. Perhaps we call it a cart, yes? And then we are fair. And there can be a bandit from every country represented.

Though of course, that makes the joke less comedic, and instead would beg of us to consider what masterful strokes of compromise and diplomacy would untie these bandits. Truly, we would come to an easy answer: money.