therookery | Sending Crystal

Entry tags:

Sending Crystal

FORM: Sending Crystal
SENDER: Aleron Darton
RECIPIENT: The Inquisition
WHAT: Al's Mama has sent an unwanted gift. He wants to give it away.
WHEN: Nowish, but wiggleroom for responses
WHERE: Kirkwall
NOTES: Nuglets. Mama is trying to teach him how to diplomacy. Ahahahahaha. Fail.

[That squeaking sound? That's the sound of a crate of nuglets. Eight nug babies to be precise. Over the top of it can be heard Aleron grousing under his breath: Maker and I thought the dresses were bad.]

It appears I have come into the possession of a crate of nugs, which I am to 'distribute as I see fit'?

[Quiet muttered grumbling as he tries reading the note again and sweet Andraste has Mama gone mad?]

Honestly, Mother, how am I to know what... 'prized pets with darling outfits'? Why?

There is attire of some sort for the nugs if that is of any interest. They'll be in the Gallows for anyone who wants them.

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Plenty of things probably think of you as food, least I know how many of those things I've been paid to go hunt and kill with or without nobles tagging along. Getting eaten by a wyvern feet first is a really fun way to go and not many people are outrunning wyverns. [No malice in Yngvi's voice because it was a really good day out, fun for all the family but facts are facts and it's more that Myr has pointed ears that make him a thing the world'll try to crunch between its teeth than his magic in Yngvi's experience.]

All of mine got good hearty names. Maybe Truffles didn't. But they're up there with the main group, the pack leaders: Stroganugg, Rump Roast, Nug Wellington. [Are you sensing a theme yet?] They're good. Depends where you get 'em from, mine are pretty bold but they've had a year of me now but a quick wipe and they're clean, gentle, quiet, don't eat too much, affectionate. Find things and all of them hunker around it 'til you show up and deal with it.

[Cheerfully,] Let 'em come; I'll be hard to swallow. If they start feet-first I've still got my hands free to cast. [He'd die, he's sure, but he wouldn't go without a fight and that's enough.]

Stroganugg, [echoed and delighted; he's grinning from the tone.] That's a motivator, is it? Letting them know what they've avoided-- What did you name the other sixteen? [Give him food puns.] ...Huh. So how d'you think these fancy papered Orlais nugs might turn out?

I mean--I don't know I could care for one, [he's telling himself that so he doesn't give in to his own soft heart and curiosity,] but out of academic interest.

Don't most of you have to do all this standing very still thing? Just standing there. Even archers move but mages and it's like you got frozen from a certain point. Not our mage but two apostates have an apostate and I think she makes up all her own rules.

[A squeak sounds from near the sending crystal; the nug wonders why a strange voice is calling to it.] The rest are Casserole, Chop, Nug Tartare, Bourguignug, Bacon, Filet mignug, Trotters, Tenderloin, Jambonette, Stovies, Kirkwall Broil, Nug à la mode, Nugloaf, Shanks, Tantervale Hotpot and Bridie . [Yngvi rattles them off quickly, some just meals, some more of the puns when he was feeling inspired. The most Orlesian in one sitting Yngvi's ever produced in public.] Eh they'll toughen up, life happens.

What's academic about having a nug. Unless you're chopping it open and I'll come at you because that's as bad as kitchen talk.

Mostly, but I'd be on my back getting eaten, wouldn't I? That's holding still enough for a trick or two. Some of them don't require much. [Like spearing the thing in the head with a spirit blade.] "Makes up all her own rules." Has she got a way of casting on the run, then? [Hedge witches are known for doing what Circle scholarship ordinarily called impossible...

...And despite his maundering on the subject he definitely notices the squeak.] Hi, Strogganug. [You talk to pets like people, right? That's normal.] You really did name them all for food. That's wonderful.

Chop one open? [There's genuine distress in his voice; someone never liked the idea of dissections for all his love of natural philosophy.] I'd never; food's one thing but that's not right. It isn't. I'd, [he gets control of his tone again between one word and the next] only meant I'd like to hear how they'd get on, for the sake of learning. Not because I want one. [But he's wavering on that last; he sounds it.]

Edited 2017-10-09 05:59 (UTC)

He was scrabbling. Grabbing for his hat - it was the fashion to have these hats with plumes, just the biggest feathers but I've never seen birds with feathers like that so I reckon some were fake. Don't know why he was so concerned with his hat but Orlesians and rich people. [Strange people. Really strange.] Well she pretty much punches the life back into you for healing and sweats a fever out by seeing how much she can heat you without roasting you. And the whole ice-slide thing? She does it with fire. Just. Lots of fire. The time with the grease was inspired.

[Of course they all smelt like rendered fat for about a week in the middle of a dry season and apparently rolling in dust didn't really get it off since they were in the Anderfels but you can't argue with the results she got. Or no one wanted to. (Yngvi will sell it as the former but it was absolutely the latter. Best 'most likely to be a rage demon in disguise' you'll ever meet.)

There's noise that isn't squeaking - muffled noise like-- yes. Sniffing. Then Yngvi taking it back.] Trying to work out where the voice came from.

What? Didn't have a problem with eating them and academics and animals do that! [Like the Nevarran one. Twitchy spidery-hands one. Too many long names for Yngvi to keep straight.] You learn best with one and they need rescued before the poncey one lobs them in the kitchen to get thrown on a chopping block.

[There's a stretch of silence here as Myr contemplates the idea of being more concerned about one's hat than impending death. It doesn't parse; it's too ridiculous. "Orlesians and rich people" sums it up.] Did the hat at least make it out alive?

--Tell me she's still around and doesn't mind talking about her methods. [Because this sounds amazing enough to get over his natural hesitation around apostates.

Something about the snuffling wins a quiet noise--almost an "aw"--out of Myr. Listen to this curious little creature.
Yngvi, you and the kids are doing a hell of a fine job evangelizing for pet nugs.]

But that's food. Killing one to satisfy my own curiosity when I can't even see what I'm doing--that's cruel. There's no sense in that. [...Maker damn his own soft heart what's he going to do with a rescued pedigreed Orlesian nug.] ...You wouldn't have any other advice for first-time owners, would you?

It was a wyvern. [As if that answers everything. (To Yngvi, who's been wyvern hunting and had to fight them off when on travels when a wyvern decided that a group of mercenaries looked delicious, it's very much an answer.)]

They might all come down at some point, isn't so easy for lodgings like Skyhold was but we're all signed up I'm just the representative for us now. She's off with the rest of them in Ferelden then it's into Orlais. [Maybe they can crash in his lady's gardens, the Boneflayers all swore that no matter what they'd drop everything to help her and those gardens at the estate are big enough for their tents to be pitched even if they'll be sharing with a pony. No one would mind much. Their old lodgings got a little demolished and rebuilt and lost in everything that happened to Kirkwall.

Look. He has good nugs that are super chill and brave and fun to be around. Low upkeep pets.]

Whole world's a cruel place, lots of things happen for the sake of someone scratching an itch or because they wanted to see what would happen when so s'not like you'd be alone in that. [What a ringing endorsement Yngvi but what else do you expect from a Carta raised boy?] Don't let them get fat and you don't need to scrub them lots, just let them have a splash about if you can, wipe them with something damp, and dry them after. Let them roll in the mud or dirt that's good for them too. Soft places to sleep, they like that.

[Said like that, it does answer Myr's question handily.

The hat didn't deserve so grisly a death.

Curious,] Who's "we"?

[Low upkeep, omnivorous, not picky--ideal first pet for a Circle mage, probably.]

That's as good a reason as any not to add to the cruelty. Plenty of others have it covered. [...Better to talk about nugs than dwelling on that. He'd be writing all this down if he could; instead, he adds a statue of a nug to his memory tower, puts this conversation beneath it.] Right. Do they want boxes and sand like cats or walks outside to fertilize the flowers? --And will it get too cold for a nug around here come winter, without any fur?

The Boneflayers mercenary company. Used to have Asher Hardie for our captain but now it's Melisende, Liadan, Nasir, Amalia, Gunnar, and me. [Guess who rattles off the list in order of job importance: captain, second, scout, damager/healer, alchemist, Yngvi. The one who left. The one least easily missed. Everyone else can overlap enough, you can compensate for a lack of traps with planning.

(Why doesn't his head shut up, why can't he just make it shut up.)]

Mine like going for walks, generally there's at least a couple following me somewhere unless it's really not a place for nugs. Reckon I'd get made short work of it I just left sand about the place and it's good for them to just get the real dirt on them? But people must keep them other places I only worked out what my lot liked, Skyhold and the road had less stuff I could do with them now they're all settled into routines. Speaking of cold: gets cold out where nugs live, even down in caves away from lava it's cold, mine weren't too bothered by Skyhold? Just wrap 'em up. I have furs. [Imagine if you will: pigs in literal blankets. Bunny pigs. The point still stands.]

Huh--think I've heard of them, here and there. [Thoughtful, distracted, as he tries to pull up those memories. Nothing firm; things overheard at a meal or in passing in the halls. He gives up the effort shortly.] But nothing concrete. Still, if they've got someone like you here to speak for 'em, they've got to be good people, haven't they? [Anyone who'll scramble in the small hours of the morning to save a bunch of starving kids is worth gold in Myr's estimation.] I'll be glad to meet them.

[Walks, real dirt, bunny-pigs in blankets. Has he really let himself be talked into this? Seems like.] Furs. Got it. Shouldn't be so hard to find something nug-sized while I'm out looking for myself. [A moment's pause as he reviews what he's heard.]

Right, and that's me out of questions for now. Off to rescue a nug.

Anywhere that isn't Tevinter or Qunari-occupied, we've been there. [There's a moment, listening to it that he-- well the Boneflayers had a code, and the code was better than the Carta by miles but still.] It's fighting and killing for coin. Soldiers do it too but s'just that we're honest about what we do and that we don't answer to anyone but those we want to work for. Pick our lords, ladies, what have you. Don't get beholden to someone just because someone in a big high seat points and says 'you're doing that because I said so'. [There's the time they stopped by Gwaren's alienage on the way to a job because a girl asked Asher to check in. Stopping by meant leaving a whole heaving wagon of supplies for free because that seemed the decent thing to do: food, drink, furs, wool, healing supplies.]

Come introduce yours to mine once you get him or her, should be a riot.

[He considers that, considers whether he ought to be scandalized by it or object--but when he thinks of such ethics as there are in war, he thinks more of legitimate targets and appropriate retaliation and just cause than whether or not someone was taking pay for a fight they didn't have a personal stake in.]

Seems to me that's a way to avoid taking orders you don't want to. Not so bad a thing.

[Maybe he ought to pursue this one further.

Or maybe he ought to go get that nug before Darton carts them off to the kitchen anyway.]

I'll do that. And--thanks. [For answering his questions and talking him into an adventure.]

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Sending Crystal

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can't believe Yngvi talked Myr into a nug in the course of two tags

He's a charming dwarf boy what can I say?

That he is; the most charming

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