therookery | Crystal

Entry tags:

Crystal

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Kain
RECIPIENT: Everyone!
WHAT: Late night musings about troubling information
WHEN: Now-ish
WHERE: Wherever the griffons are at the moment (but the post is open to anyone anywhere of course!)
NOTES: Brooding warning always applies

It's a late hour, but... indulge me with your thoughts, if you will. [He can't sleep, which is a frequent occurrence. Thanks, Warden nightmares. Though this time, he's trying a different tactic than usual to beat the insomnia. Talking to the Crystal almost seems like a good idea, so why not?]

Is it worth believing in fate? Is life set in stone, a scripted play by the Maker that we're all simply acting in... or is it more open-ended than that? Could it be possible that even seemingly insignificant actions really can change what's to come? That even just one decision could drastically alter everything else in your life? I've... been wondering about this lately. What might my life had been if I'd become a Templar instead of a Warden, for instance? If my ancestors had settled in Ferelden instead of Orlais? So many possible ways in which it all might have turned out differently...

[The letters that Ser Coupe had delivered are really getting to him. He's spent hours pouring over them, analyzing everything from the words themselves to details such as the way the writing looks, or the paper it's written on. He's spent a lot of time just trying to read things that were scribbled out. The indirect warning from his future self was chilling, and... he thinks there may be a chance to alter it. Maybe. Maybe not. He's still thinking it over, wondering about the action that he could take next.]

If you had a chance to go back and change something about your life, would you?

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Blue, you should learn how to drink your feelings away.

[What. He's never done that himself. Shut up.]

If Varric ever wanders his way back to join the Inquisition, I'm going to suggest he nickname you Cheerful or Sunny. Get some sleep. Sometimes things look better in the morning.

I mean, not dogs, they're still slobbery and leaving muddy footprints everywhere. But other things.

[A pause, and then:]

Life isn't set in stone or scripted. The Maker doesn't care enough for that. We're living our own lives, making our own mistakes, and have to take responsibility for them. There's no changing the past, only the future.

If our fates are written down any place, it's by someone whose work would have been laughed out of the university.

( though she sort of wishes it had ever occurred to her to write something like 'the maker as an artist - critiquing the work'. )

...now you have me wondering whether or not it was a sound plan to leave for Kirkwall first. Perhaps I should have at least left Garahel behind for you.

[There's a worried whine from said Garahel, at Inessa's side.]

It is always possible to think 'what if I had gone this way, what if I had done things differently?' You can drown in these kinds of doubts, and these regrets. Yet here we are - the moment has passed and we cannot change that. We can only change now, and what happens in the future.

Whatever mistakes were made, ser, learn from them. Embrace your mistakes, your faults, and become stronger for them.

Most importantly ... don't make that mistake again.

[That's the second time he's called him that. Maker's ass, has he reached nickname status now? Uh oh...]

Drinking can help for a time, but it's only ever temporary. Then there's also the headache after you wake up the next morning.

What if I happen to enjoy being awake? Or at least, I find it a better alternative to sleeping, sometimes... it's a nice change of pace.

[~~Just tell the healer you're having trouble sleeping, Kain. :|~~]

Anyway, I hope you're right, that the future really is malleable. [If not, then no matter what he does, he'll be dead within a year from something more horrific than he wants to imagine. Please, please let it be that he can change this.] It's true, though, the Maker isn't one to interfere at all, right? So anything that happens... is in my hands now. I only hope I don't mess things up irreparably. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

[Yes, that at least is comforting to hear in a way, that the idea is that outlandish. He breaths a little sigh of relief.]

It would have to be an impossibly large book, too... or an impossibly large collection of such tomes. There's no way that could possibly exist. It seems like it'd be too much work to write all of that, too.

[The Maker has better ways to occupy himself, right?]

Tell Garahel he doesn't need to worry about me, I'm just fine.

[Just filled with dread about the prospect of going all red lyrium, losing his mind and dying horribly. You know, typical everyday concerns.]

It won't be much longer until we join you, anyway.

[This man sounds very reasonable, like the sort who's practiced at giving advice. Someone who maybe has thought this sort of thing through as well. Kain sighs a little.]

What if, theoretically, it was a mistake I already made... but also that I hadn't already made?

[Ok, no, that just sounds crazy and he knows it. He doesn't need to be the madman ranting on the crystals here.]

No, never mind. That's... harder to explain than I thought. I'm responsible for my fate, that's what you're saying. This mistake is something which I'm desperately trying to avoid, because it's one which can't be fixed if it does happen. So... you think I have a chance to prevent it?

There's no better alternative to sleep when it comes to resting one's body.

[Lines like that don't work on healers, Kain.]

It especially helps when one's mood is... low, or one has a habit of a low mood. Especially before someone does something that they're doubtful about. What are you contemplating, Kain? I sincerely doubt you're thinking about doing something that I'd not be able to fathom.

[There's some canine grumbling on her end, soothed when she pets him.]

Perhaps you should check in on Potato. No doubt she'll enjoy the attention, and at least it can come from one of us. I suspect she'll be unhappy that I've neglected her this long.

[But it can't be helped, and she's trying to make the roost more comfortable.]

Tell me what's troubling you, Kain.

What if someone... can't sleep? I'm not saying it's my situation, but what if they have... uh, difficulties preventing it?

[But really, what Anders says definitely sounds like one of those things healers tend to say. It seems he's caught onto him.]

I wouldn't say it's a habit, exactly. Not really. [Except that it is, by anyone else's definition. Brooding around is a standard Kain thing, most days.] I'm... [He trails off. Sighs.] The reason behind it all is a very long story. I was warned about something terrible that could happen. That very likely will happen. [There, now, he can tell this without sounding too crazy. He's still sometimes unsure what he believes, himself, though Wren seems reliable.] I may have a chance to change that fate, but I'm worried it'll all be in vain. That it'll just happen anyway, despite my trying to make things turn out differently.

[Awww now he wishes he could pet Garahel. :( He loves that mabari so much.]

I should check on her. Yes. Though I've been keeping a close eye on her anyway... I can perhaps see how she's doing right now...

[He doesn't want to disturb the griffons' sleep and get Maja probably scolding him, but maybe if he's quiet...]

I'm... I'm sure this will pass. I have a lot of heavy thoughts in mind lately, concerns about the future, but it's nothing. [He's trying to figure out a nice way to rephrase 'We're going to die soon and horrifically.'] I apologize, I shouldn't have sent this message.

I do not have the mental energy for riddles or babysitting, Kain. Not in Kirkwall.

You've an issue and this is private. Please speak clearly. I've been at a point where it felt like anything that could happen was entirely in my hands, that no one would else step up, only able to hope that I could help more than I hurt, and that's why I've taken this private in the first place.

Please do, and give her some extra affection for me.

Don't apologize, I would much rather know what's on your mind. Discussing concerns is far more preferable than bottling them up, which I know is your natural inclination.

Do you mean our future in Kirkwall? What has that to do with fate?

How would you define ...fate?

I don't ask you to- no one here needs babysitting, I assure you. [Except, ugh, admitting to things is hard.] My sleep is often troubled, and it's been slightly ['Slight', yeah, right...] worse lately... but I'm sure it'll run its course.

It's not an easy matter to discuss, forgive me. Someone came to me with a warning. It was... a warning about awful things yet to happen. They even came bearing proof, or I wouldn't entirely be able to believe it. I'm still not certain what to think. But if it's true... I don't have much time left to fix what may happen.

I'll be sure to. I hope that their new living space is coming along well?

[She sure is right about that, this is only one of many times he's been up late dwelling on this.]

Yes? No? I'm not... entirely certain whether or not the move will change anything or lead us down a path of darkness. Perhaps I'm worried for nothing. I don't know. I'm sorry, I know I'm being vague...

As... predetermined events beyond our control, mainly. The notion that no matter what we do, no matter what choices we make, the future is already set in stone, and won't change. The notion that all choice is just an illusion and nothing more.

[He seriously hopes it isn't a thing, but at the same time... he's a little worried anyway.]

There are many things beyond our control, but the future is not one of them.

By babysitting I mean chase after people who aren't taking care of themselves. I'm not going to pry it out of someone because there's too much going on for me to do so. You say it's fine, then fine. On your own head be it if it isn't.

[Maybe that will be enough of a warning. All he can really do is hope it is, because he's telling the truth.]

I'm asking if preventing it requires something drastic.

I appreciate that. I promise, I'm taking care as much as possible. It doesn't seem to be anything serious, and I feel fine aside from this. Mostly fine. I guess.

[He just assumes it's totally normal to go through this sort of thing once in a while.]

Well... No. I don't think it will require any drastic measures. I'm not about to do something foolish or dangerous, if that's what concerns you. I'm still figuring out what must be done, truly. I think I know, but... it's not something that comes easily to me. [And it feels foolish and dangerous despite being neither of those things.]

So you're in agreement that we can always change what's to happen? That it's possible to shape the future we most want to see?

Circumstances can always change. By your hand. By those of others. And by chance.

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