therookery | voice.

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voice.

Good morrow, Riftwatch.

( Now, there’s a voice that hasn’t been on the crystals for a time. Years, in fact. The Starkhaven accent is strong as ever, and yet— some more nebulous quality has shifted. What was once careful and controlled, turned to diplomacy through practice, has turned to uniform flatness. Every word placid, every syllable even. )

My name is Herian Amsel. If we were previously acquainted then the possibility that word of my return has reached you already, and were circumstances suited to it, I would offer apology for being so withdrawn.

For those unfamiliar with me, or who have not become familiar with the details of my return, there are elements best not left unspoken.

You may notice differences in my speech and manner. This stems from the Rite of Tranquility, enacted by radicals acting outside the approval of the Chantry and Inquisition. Indeed, the attack was an attack against the Chantry and Inquisition, both.

I remember well the passion and fire of so many in Riftwatch; I share this news not to stoke those fires. These are matter that require thorough investigation. Rather,I speak to be transparent that this state is not one freely chosen, and such a revelation is an unkind one to inflict on others in the midst of other work. A good many find the Tranquil unsettling even before considering the context of how the Rite came to pass.

My presence hence is to serve Riftwatch, and if my presence disturbs you, please do not hesitate in letting it be known. I would sooner remove myself to another part of the keep to do my work, than some disconcerting quality to my aspect interfere with your work, or my circumstances evoking painful memories. One reason I have remained withdrawn was my own contemplations on potential negative impact my return in this state could alert.

Presently I have been assisting Doctor Strange, and learning of medical practices. If any could be troubled to lend assistance through procurement of clay, that would be most beneficial.

If you have questions you win to ask, I will endeavour to answer.

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( it is deliberate, that petrana responds publicly: )

The intention behind what has been done to you was to strike a blow against our people and the Inquisition, Mademoiselle Amsel. I can think of no more effective way to strike that blow than to allow it to be said that we will not care for our people if it should be inconvenient to us, when we are aware of options and able to seek them out. I cannot promise you that we might reverse the rite tomorrow. We do have a great deal to contend with. We are not, it is true, able or advised to drop all of our other concerns.

That having been said, I would not allow these religious extremists their due in the blow to morale that would be we will not fight for our own.

( private. )

To some, the matter is personal. To others, it is an indicator of how they may be treated, and anyone for whom they care. We have taken a great many blows, and within a year past a monumental effort was undertaken to right a grievous wrong that could have ended Riftwatch entirely. We are not unable to help you. If we choose not to, the message we send is not the one that you are concerned by.

( Ah. Maintaining the public discussion and the private one is necessary. This requires pause while she thinks out how to puzzle-piece her response together. What parts would better be public versus private.

Ultimately, she decides to make all private. That spoken aloud cannot be snatched back, but all can be disclosed later, if deemed beneficial. )

I think I understand. I am willing to take steps towards that end.

( She pauses, weighing up the words that of relevant interest and necessary for understanding. )

There were times I struggled much with emotion. It burned at me, at times, and felt paralytic in others. The burden of feeling intensely while attempting to navigate the correct path has been destructive to myself and even those held dear to me, in times past. As much effort as I had made to diffuse the stark view I had of things, I had by no means overcome it entire. Some elements of it are doubtless amplified in my present state.

There is the possibility that I am more useful now. I did not wish for Tranquility, but in having it, duty prompts consideration of potential merits.

I am not declining the reversal. Only considering the balance of concerns and benefits.

( it isn't as if herian's wrong. she had made herself available to herian as the new ambassador in part because she is right; that she had seen both the drawbacks and the opportunities in her approach, that she had seen someone amenable to the guiding hand of a more certain voice.

(and then she'd invested that effort in flint, instead, and look where that's led.)

she sounds thoughtful in saying, )

I don't think you owe us or yourself an answer, immediate, if you do not have one. If we speak purely of what is best for Riftwatch, then it is my personal view that... particularly in light of the recent death of Casimir Lyov, and with consideration given to the purpose of your altering, it is my personal view that to reverse the rite may be our best course forward. I can see a number of ways in which we could utilise that choice, and a number of other ways that the alternative would prove challenging.

But at the heart of it, Herian, ( gentler, ) is you. It is your life, and your heart, and it is right that it should be your decision, for your sake as well.

Whatever challenges we face as a result of either choice, know that they are worthwhile.

( There is a different stiltedness to this reply. The response is not considered in advance, rather, the connection kept open as she considers. )

If I is at its centre, the argument that, rendered Tranquil, I am
not myself has its place. Herian Amsel has been partitioned with more abrupt severely than territory in warfare.

( Violent and catastrophic as war is, some shred of possibility exists that is banished by the absolute nature of the Rite. She’d still say war is worse, considering the balance of quantity of lives impacted and scale, but this seems an appropriate turn of phrase speaking to Petrana, specifically. )

I do not refer to the scale nor impact. It may be more accurate to refer to the abruptness of a florist’s shears; once a rose has been cut, it is not longer part of the rosebush.

( There is a long pause. )

When they restrained my hands for the rite, I fought, still. The man who man restrained my hands lost part of his cheek to my teeth.

( That was the whole person. The whole person did not want this fate. )

There is not an option before you, ( after a pause, ) that will have no drawbacks for you or for those around you. There is not a choice that you can say of objective certainty will serve Riftwatch above the other, in and of itself, by an unbiased and methodical calculus. There will be consequences to your decision, and you do not have the ability not to choose. Inaction will be a choice, too.

It does sound to me as if you know what you would freely wish.

( The silence might speak enough for itself. She has much to think on. )

Are there effects of the Rite that necessitate recovery?

I'm afraid it's not something that I have personal knowledge of; I'm aware that it has been done, and by Riftwatch, and that sufficient knowledge remains that I believe it could be feasibly repeated. Certainly, I have no reason to think Kostos would have spoken so if he were not an authority on the matter.

Commander Rowntree, likewise, has some history with the Tranquil. He was not here for Mssr Lyov's ritual, but he may be able to make knowledgeable recommendations, and certainly is in a position to aid the effort if it should be made.

I will seek out their insights to better inform myself.

You referred to the potential impact of silence prior to any decision. Are there steps you’d have me take to mitigate harm to morale?

( thoughtful, ) What I mean to say is inaction is a choice. To delay the decision indefinitely is to live in a choice, effectively.

To my eye, what matters most— it is more harmful in the long term to very strongly take the position that we may decide any of our number who are harmed against their will may be, through that harm, rendered unworthy of aid. It is right that you should consider your decision, and that you should not be pressed into making one in haste. But I caution you against setting too much emphasis on the idea that you, individually, do not deserve the work that it would take.

You mean to speak for yourself. You mean to speak of pragmatism. What you do say, in doing so, is that it is possible to make any one of us worth less than the others. It is to hand those who harmed you their victory, and in precisely the way they intended it. I ask that you not do their work for them.

( That is something she had not considered. Herian sits quietly, crystal held loosely in her hand.

Perhaps Petrana would remember the expression she used to make when turning over difficult matters. It may be for the best that she cannot see her appearing so unmoved, now. )

My focus on past rank eclipsed a more corrosive concern. Rather than concern that resources are being directed to a former leader, it would establish that Riftwatch does not value the individual. That rank might, then, serve to make that all the worse - regardless of effort and dedication, all can be discarded if setting things to right is not convenient.

( Assuming she had not misunderstood. )

From that perspective, there seems to be only one viable option that supports morale in the long term. Morale cannot be neglected by pragmatism.

( no, petrana thinks she has understood quite well the point being made. )

We will not always be able to put matters to rights. We've never always been able to do that. We have suffered losses, and it is almost a certainty that we will suffer more. We will not always have the knowledge, the ability, the time, the willing hands—

for that reason, I must think that it is essential that when we are able, we do act. That we choose to honour the responsibility we have to one another. And I do believe that we have that responsibility; I have always believed that.

Aye, our responsibilities to one another must be honoured.

( Herian has been thinking a great deal, Petrana subject to many silences. )

I recall distinctly your carefulness with your words. Please forgive me if I have considered your words overmuch, and invented significance.

Regardless, I have thought much on the nature of honour, given how tightly I grasped it in times past. I know not if conducting yourself with honour has any relation striving to do good. Honour relies upon the values of those claiming to act with it.

I think that you hold honour as a concept as if it is a thing in and of itself, ( she says, not unkindly. ) But to honour an obligation is not in and of itself a good or ill; it should depend upon the obligation. The contract that we make with one another here is one that I personally value; I agree that what you value, and therefore what you honour, are choices that remain yours to decide.

It is natural for one's values to change and grow, in time and with new knowledge. I know that the way to act with honour was used in my youth,

( she's in her mid thirties, )

I don't cleave to that meaning. But as a concept, the idea of honouring what one cares for, that is not inherently a wrong simply because many value harm.

Edited 2024-07-21 05:34 (UTC)

Yes. Before I was severed from the Fade, I had worked with a Spirit of Honour. Long before that I had viewed it as something absolute.

My contemplations were not to disregard it; shifting to the opposing extreme would hold its own flaws. Rather, I have thought on what changes in myself that I would strive for, or might come, should the rite be reversed. The man who subjected me to it conducted himself with what he perceived as honour.

Thoughts should be better organised before sharing them aloud.

The idea of honour is, to me, a framework. A set of expectations defined by the moral star by which we navigate, and what values we hold most dear to us. Where a Spirit of Honour has the luxury of an absolute, to bring such a simplified thing out of the Fade risks perverting and warping it beyond measure — we are not creatures of absolutes. We are always in negotiation, and always learning, and always changing. A spirit may be such a star, but it can never fully comprehend what you are navigating, and to operate strictly by its edicts can,

( she will never forget Anders' spirit of Mercy, and the breathtaking cruelty of what it did and did not consider worthy or deserving, and though there is nothing of it in her voice she has never trusted a spirit since, never liked the influence they hold, )

do great harm.

The mistake is not to value one's honour. The mistake is to think that you will ever have every answer before you, and all that you need. It is that perfect certainty that allowed the harm that was done to you. Not what he values, perhaps, but what he does not. What his values allow him to deem acceptable sacrifice to them.

I agree. There is a real possibility that, were he a mage, Honour would not discriminate against working with him, so long as he acted honourably by his own rubric. The values that define that honour are not, themselves, of interest.

( A slightly jarring pivot, perhaps, but the connection seems evident to Herian. )

Shame was most often that which obscured clarity. Considerations to de-fang that shame will be necessary, to have any hope that I do not grasp for honour once more, when re-establishing my frame of reference.

( more jarring if she had less experience with the idea or the sort of people who hold such ideals in so many words— as it is, the segue seems natural enough to petrana that it doesn't throw her.

shame, in her experience, often drives one to require such a framework. fear, even, of what one might do without it. it is not nearly often questioned enough: what might I do with it? )

Allow me to offer you a different perspective, ( she says, then, ) that to grasp for honour is not the problem you are addressing, but the way you had feared shame.

Shame is what drove me from Riftwatch. A ceaseless sapping of will and joy that I allowed too great a grip. It compromised and shaped me, akin to caverns that the sea carves into cliffs. Not immediate; that would be too easily recognised. I had abandoned myself and those dear to me, for fear for my flaws and errors.

As aware of this as I was before the Rite, and as much labour as I undertook to reckon with myself, shame is not a stone shaken from a shoe. If I have not felt it since the Rite, I may struggle against being overwhelmed.

Guilt, at least, can have a purpose, reflection prompted by external force. Shame is a corrosive thing that we destroy ourselves with, a warping of accountability.

It seems ironic to disclose this at a time when I can feel none of these things. The value of such openness is undercut, perhaps.

( it is striking, for a moment, that— perhaps someone who had been closer to herian would feel differently. they had known each other well enough, had enjoyed an amiable professional relationship. herian had been comfortable enough to lean on her counsel, and she had been willing to offer it, albeit not without her own purpose.

yet: to speak with herian as she is now is less different than that had been than she might have expected. the difference must be stark, within, yet from the outside... well, an argument against the way she had once attempted to smother her own feelings beneath a framework of rules that should have protected her from them.

it is not a new idea to her. the betrayal of coming to understand that the rules were not real, and that she was never safe. )

Honour offered you rules for the world, ( she says, ) and assured you that to follow them would protect you from that. A worse betrayal, then, and a worse shame that they did not, and could not; I imagine it must have been difficult not to see the flaw in yourself, and not in the tenets that you wished to uphold.

( she hasn't forgotten, for instance, herian's early loyalist leanings. or how difficult she knows it can be to lose those. )

Absolutes can only fail us, the way that a spirit cannot hold its shape when confronted with the complexities of our living. What you punished yourself for was your wholeness. A spirit can never err, in this way, and so it can never learn. It cannot bend, so it breaks. I don't believe that you share that quality.

I am guilty of an over-reliance on absolutes. A matter of flaws
in how I navigate reasoning, regardless of emotions influence.

( It is matter of fact, as all of this has been. No condemnation turned inward - simply an observation, as there’s surely no person with objectively flawless reason. Trying to reason things out to come to the right outcome and critique her determinations over and over made her tenure as Ambassador agonising. )

You speak it true. I set my compass star upon an ideal.

( She might have made a joke here, before. “Alas, no Spirit of Do Your Best.” )

It would be preferable if recognition of facts translated to immediate recovery and growth. Uncertainty of what will be felt in the instance that the reversal succeeded is unappealing, even acknowledging it as a necessity.

Do you think, perhaps, that a wish for such immediate consolation may have been what drove your previous mistakes?

It is difficult to sit in discomfort. I do not find it, myself, any easier. And I have sought my own methods of avoidance. But I do find myself wondering if that is not the thing that you most needed, and may in the future need again, to learn to do.

( her efforts to avoid that shame had created it; it isn't exactly something that's unique to her. riftwatch is littered with examples of self-destruction, of the architects of their own miseries. petrana herself is not immune to falling into that trap, or else she might not know it so well to describe it now. )

Entirely plausible. Accepting the uncertainty of what might accompany undoing the Rite is a necessity.

( Recognising the prospect without capacity to feel it has become the norm. This context only casts them in sharper relief. )

This is not a conversation I anticipated when taking to the crystals.

I hope that you have found it of some use to you, Herian.

Certainly. Thank you for taking the time, Madame de Cedoux.

Of course.

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private + ref to violently resisting Tranquility

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perma private. bc I am forgetful

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