crystal;

[satinet]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Cassius Black
RECIPIENT: All Y'all
NOTES: local grievances

Good Afternoon, Riftwatch. Senior Enchanter Cassius Black, at your service. I come fresh from the Office of the Viscount with a list of demands and requested reparations.

First, let me assure you all that I've done everything in my power to make all the proper excuses and naturally have firmly denied any responsibility for the more outright criminal charges. That said, should anything on the following list catch your ear then consider either modifying your behavior in the future or coming forward so we might discuss the most fruitful way to take responsibility.

[He clears his throat.]

The Kirkwall Mummer's League has lodged a formal complaint that a certain pair of mustachioed gentleman in Riftwatch's service have been performing at a number of cheap Lowtown establishments. They claim this has negatively impacted the crowds at and reception of their own performances. One specific line of the complaint included suspicions of utilizing the performances as a front for clandestine intelligence gathering.

Minor criminal charges include reports of public drunkenness, fighting, and the temporary theft of a celebrity donkey named Count William who was happily eventually returned to his hitching post with only minor damages. His owner, however, requests restitution for the hours of labor spent attempting to scrub the words 'WORLD'S BEST ASS' left in paint on the animal's side.

A member of Riftwatch broke up a would-be duel in a Lowtown public house. Both parties are now demanding that the individual come forward so they may have satisfaction. And while we are on the subject of debts of honor— [A pause to turn to the next page of his notes.]

Having heard rumor of at least one payout by a member of Riftwatch to an unnamed woman in order to quiet claims of a certain indiscreet act, there is currently a gang of bastard children roving Lowtown insisting that various male members of this company are their sires. These children are impeding local commerce and are responsible for a number of acts of hooliganism. The Burrows Street Mercantile Alliance is requesting that the children be dealt with within the fortnight or else any further property damages or disturbance to their places of work will be charged to Riftwatch or debited against our standing accounts. At least one of our major suppliers of grain is involved.

Additionally, someone has wracked up a series of gambling debts and at least a half dozen of their creditors are now seeking repayment through the minor courts. The description of the individual in question is 'average height, dark, and sullen.'

Less overtly negative but of some general concern, there has also been a series of Rifter-related complaints concerning the excessive production of noise, offensive fashion choices, and, quote, 'suspicious spice mixtures in baked goods.' Whatever that means. Rifters, please see to minding your p's and q's among the public if you would. The rest of us afflicted with anchors thank you.

And finally last but certainly not least, there has evidently been a slew of petty thefts in Hightown. These thefts have victimized either well off young men or the contents of certain private rooms of houses where lavish parties were recently hosted, and among whose guests members of Riftwatch's company were counted. While I firmly doubt we are in any way responsible for these and have said as much to the Viscount's representative, I did suggest that we might lend either a few keen eyes or a handful of heavy hands to the Kirkwall Guard to assist in hunting the thief. Please let me know if you'd like to volunteer for the work.

Comments

[thereneverwas]

You let those duelists know they can find satisfaction in each other's arms for all the shites I give, a tavern's no place for swords.

[satinet]

Perhaps you might solicit an endorsement from the establishment's proprietor to that end. That might outweigh the disdain Kirkwall's locals apparently have for strangers meddling in their personal quarrels.

[thereneverwas]

[UGH]

[cozen]

Mummers are famous for their paranoia.

[bouchonne]

So much worse than dadders.

[satinet]

[Weeoo weeoo, pun police.]

Stop. This is obscene.

[poleaxed]

I can’t believe I didn’t do none of this.

...Well. Anybody need a scapegoat? I can handle it.

[satinet]

Seeing as you're so keen for volunteer work, I'll count you as part of the attachment for the city Guard.

[poleaxed]

Trying to do a favor for a mate, but sure. Does that come with pay?

[okayimin]

Maybe we should hire the kids to find whoever's fingering Hightown. Two stones, one swing.

[satinet]

Now there's the kind of creative thinking I was hoping for. Everyone else take note.

What's the going rate for bribing children under the age of ten these days? I've a poor grasp on hip high economy myself.

[okayimin]

If they're asking for coin now, you won't be able to talk 'em down to anything less. Toss in immunity for past misdeeds and they might take less than whatever their demanding.

[truthtied]

Suspicious spice mixtures?

[ Sir. ]

[satinet]

Someone out there is being very avant garde with their baking. They might do well to constrain their more unusual experimentation to the Gallows' kitchens.

[highborn]

Begging your pardon, but some people in Kirkwall could stand to expand their palates.

[exequy]

[ Sullenly—and darkly, and maybe average height-ly if you squint (with your ears)— ]

I am working on it.

[satinet]

Surely there's someone in the company who can give you a loan. We could even erect a set of stocks here to throw you in if that's what you're after. I've a deadly tomato lobbing arm.

[No he doesn't. But he could fling one with force magic and that's basically the same thing.]

[galvanising]

No he doesn't. But he could slice the tomato up into dainty little pieces to feed you while you sweat if you want.

[lumelume]

Are you in trouble, cousin?

[exequy]

No.

[ungovernable]

Are we quite certain that no one in Riftwatch is responsible for any of the children?

[dinadhal]

This question, I too raise it.

[satinet]

Officially speaking? Quite certain.

[justashotaway]

I will help find the thief.

[satinet]

Excellent. Are you a volunteer of the sharp eye or heavy handed variety?