therookery | open;

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Asher Hardie
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: How not to freeze to death: slankets
WHEN: Late Guardian
WHERE: Emprise du Lion
NOTES: Feel free to just come find him at any point, or back at Skyhold because he took a trip back to pick up letters ssh timelines shh

Right I'll get straight to the point: there's a lot of really mad wildlife in Emprise du Lion, and I do just mean the wildlife right now though why you'd want to live in a frozen shithole is beyond me, and it's cold, and I'm willing to bet not all of you are exactly used to this sort of thing. So, for a reasonable price or deal unless we already worked something out, I've got bear and wolf pelt blankets. Now Asher, I hear you ask, what's so special about these blankets, well the thing is, most people get rid of the head and have something that'd look nice spread on the floor but my blankets? They have sleeves. And hoods. Bear and wolf hoods. I think you see where I'm going with this, right? I've got plenty of pelts and I expect I'll find more so if you want a blanket, let me know and I'll get it sorted. Want a regular blanket? Boring but you can get that too, or mittens for those long boring nights freezing your arse off on watch duty. If you just want the pelt? We can arrange that too and other giblets and what have you, say for instance you need bear balls for some potion or tonic, I won't judge.

[Everyone has to have a hobby and he was raised not to be wasteful.]

Of course if you keep an eye out for the one and only Christine Delacroix, you won't have to take my word for it and she does a damn fine job modelling what's sure to be the latest in Orlesian winterwear. Unless you want to freeze and lose your bits and pieces to frostbite.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wait, what’s a douchebag?

[After being to most of Thedas, hearing a word that’s definitely unfamiliar is pretty rare and strange to Asher.]

One formerly insane demon wolf [seriously what is wrong with the wolves in Thedas these days] coming up. And she looks very fetching, I have to say, she carries it with style and grace.

Uhhhh basically an elaborate term for an asshole. Like the kinda guy who thinks he's super cool, but he's definitely not. Like guys with soul patches under their lips. [Right, Nathaniel?]

Dude, awesome, I look forward to it. And, yeah, she kind of is all about style and grace. I think it's that...Orlesian. thing. going on there. [He wants to say French right now.] All fancy and stuff.

There are a few options for men: you shave, you go for the decent stubble, or you grow it out properly. Not just some little piece of shit stuck there, what the fuck is it actually in aid of? [Fucking nothing that's what, go grow a real beard or a respectable sprouting of prickly stubble.]

You based in Skyhold right now? [Might as well start planning the delivery route early.] See, I know a lot of Orlesians and pretty much every single one of them has been some combination of entirely up their own arsehole, into some really weird shit and I mean really weird, and just utterly pretentious. She's probably in the top five most pleasant Orlesians I've spent time with in the last twelve years.

[Look he just...Orlais is awful. Salt it, burn it, and salt it again just to be safe.]

Fuck yeah my man! I've never really uh. Let it grow out before. So this furry chin is starting to make me feel all manly as fuck. [Don't get too He-Man, boys, or the overwhelming testosterone will drive all da laydeez away.]

Yeah, yeah, I'm still at the broke-ass castle in the cold-ass mountains. I'll leave the adventuring and wolf-killing to you.

I haven't met like...a lot of them yet? But she's cool, yeah. Definitely not pretentious. Or weird. Or ass. At least as far as I know. I mean, y'know, people have hidden sides, I'm just pretty sure she's not any of that.

I haven’t shaved properly since I was fifteen, I just grew it out but I know what you mean, made me look less of a lad with everyone else in the company. [You’d be surprised, Asher gets his leg over plenty and he’s hairy, usually kind of dirty and sweaty, and covered in scars as well with weird hair and a beard. Some folks like a primal sort of guy.]

Getting out in the fresh air and covered in blood is good for you, you’ll get soft if you just sit on your arse up there all day.

Some of them are into some really wild shit, they even had this mad emperor way back in the day but all the masks and the dressing a certain way just to fit in, all the ridiculous word games, what a load of bullshit. I’d say she’s got more of a hidden wild side that needs to be let out a bit more.

Uh, well, I wouldn't know about the covered in blood thing being good for you. Usually I get concerned that it might be my own. [Do you know how weird it is to look down at your own mangled body ~~and blood even though technically in retrospect there shouldn't have been~~?]

...I am definitely into what you're saying about Orlesian women, but for the sake of not getting my ass magically handed to me by said Orlesian women, I'm gonna go ahead and refrain from commenting on any hidden kinky sides.

Puts hair on your chest. And c'mon, don't be a baby, nothing wrong with the odd nearly bleeding to death moment every now and then. Every other month. Every month sometimes, honestly depends where I've been and what I've been up to. [Not his own body no but he's heard the stories and seen corpses that have looked better than him. It's always just been more fun for Asher that way.]

Oh come on, how do you know you've lived until you've been stabbed by one, almost set on fire by another, poisoned a little by yet another...Live the dream. [And yes, these are all reasons that Asher is never invited back to parties.]

...Okay, so, when you're back here and you're done delivering pelts to all the good little boys and girls of the Inquisition, you have got to tell me some of these stories. Like holy shit.

You got it mate, I’ll come find you when I get back, at the Herald’s Rest. Trust me, I’m almost as hard to miss as the Qunari.

[He’s just beardier and hairier than all of them.]

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