news post (crystal)

[bouchonne]

FORM: Crystalllll
SENDER: Byerly Rutyer
RECIPIENT: every....one.....
WHAT: Byerly demanded the right to read the news, and I am sorry
WHEN: The moment this smacks your eyes
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Smutty talk and cursing

Hear ye, hear ye. Bend your ear, fair maids and lads, and all you dissolute dung-heaps who have forsaken your virtue, shame on all of you, for most of you aren't even wed. Don't you know that humping should be only in the service of procreation? Blush, dear slatterns.

[ Oh, Maker, it's this guy. And he sounds happy. Indeed, he's cheerily clearing his throat, and saying - ]

It is I, Byerly Rutyer, here to read you the news of the world. Anyone who tunes me out is, therefore, going to be ill-informed and a disgrace. Your civic duty is to heed me.

First, the news from Nevarra! Oh, this is marvelous. It seems that the King is truly like a piece of cheese left out in cold weather - you know what I'm talking about - you come back after two months and somehow when you cut away the rind it's still edible. What I mean to say is that he's still alive. Rumor on the street is that he died months ago and has been puppeted by those horrifying Nevarran necromancers. What do they call them? Moriteasers? Anyway.

Now, the fair land of Orlais. I have good news and bad news there. First, the bad news: still full of Orlesians. Second, the good - ah, no, sorry, this is actually also bad news. Welcome to the Inquisition, newcomers, it is always thus. It turns out the peasants are revolting - [ A pause, and then - ] Oh, really, someone was supposed to say "what else is new." You're all useless. So - the peasants are revolting - lightly revolting - because as it turns out someone has gotten in their heads and made them forget that their duty is to die on behalf of their betters. Hideous. Was it one of you? You're all bloody halfway to being social revolutionaries yourselves. In any case. In Montsimmard and Verchiel, there have been riots, because the peasants are displeased with the way that they're being arrested when they refuse to fight. They're not being hanged. So touchy. They're also displeased because they're being compensated less when their possessions are seized for the war efforts. Honestly, what value material wealth? Why can't people like that let it go? Why do things matter so much to them?

And now Tevinter. Good news and bad news. Good news, the Tevinters have their own country, and none of us are ever obligated to go there, praise the Maker. Bad news - oh, no, actually this is rather good news. Don't get used to it, newcomers; the Inquisition is rarely thus. The anti-Venatori sorts are refusing to engage with the Venatori, since they suspect the Venatori may have murdered one of their cohort...which is such base slander, honestly, could you imagine a Venatori ever doing something like that? Such sweet, honest folks. The Venatori cry - [ In a bad Tevinter accent mixed with a generic stage-play villain voice: ] "You wretches! You merely wish to delay us in our path to executing our dastardly plan!" To which the others cry - [ Again a Tevinter accent, though this time resonant and heroic - ] "Get fucked!" Vote will happen in Firstfall. We all hold our breath in antici...

[ Loooooong pause. ]

Antiva! Oh, finally, some news that actually matters. Fashion, my dears, we're talking fashion. The look of the season, this season, is black ribbons and teardrop-shaped pearls. Why? Oh, my darlings, in tribute to us. They're weeping symbolically. Not, of course, sending any assistance or resources, but oh, they weep! And also spend. And also turn glorious profit. Turns out certain merchant princes with pearl interests and black-silk interests have been particularly vociferous in reminding their citizens that they should express their sympathies. So if you want to line your pockets, dear ones, ship your black ribbons off to Antiva before Satinalia's end. And be comforted, knowing that they care just enough for it to set a fashion trend.

[ A clap of his hands. ]

Have you news to share? Information for the rank gossip-mongers? We're hungry for it. Oh, feed us. Feed us, please.

Comments

[doneisdone]

what are you on about

[bouchonne]

We're doing a word-at-a-time story, aren't we?

[doneisdone]

...a what?

[bouchonne]

What - the game where you say a word, then I say a word, then you say a word, and together we build a story.

[doneisdone]

That's idiotic.

Where do you get your information? What-- where did you hear about the king of Nevarra?

[bouchonne]

I have my sources. Pay me in drink and I'll tell you of them.

[doneisdone]

[completely unexpectedly, the channel switches to private.]

Fine. Where.

[bouchonne]

[ Oh. No, he doesn't have the heart to keep the ruse going. ]

A kind, if grouchily-phrased, offer. The news was simply passed along to me by the seneschal.

[doneisdone]

The seneschal feeds you absolute bollocks so you can have a big public wank over how clever you are? [Color her skeptical.] Seems a waste of good wages.

[bouchonne]

Who said I'm getting paid?

[doneisdone]

Listening to you when we could be doing something useful.

[bouchonne]

Did you learn nothing about the state of the world from what I said?

[doneisdone]

No.

[bouchonne]

Well, then clean out those shapely ears of yours.

[doneisdone]

Bold words from someone who turned down a drink.

[coquettish_trees]

Yes, where do you get your information, Byerly?

[ beat ]

The trend in Antiva is entirely due to my having worn black silk ribbons with teardrop pearls in Minrathous.

[bouchonne]

Have you proof of this, my dear? We work on strict scientific evidence here.

[coquettish_trees]

I think with a bit of proper sleuthing you shall find the dates on the shipping manifests to correlate precisely to the minute that I took the dance floor.

Allowing for the time it took the courier to arrive from Tevinter, of course. I heard he rode three horses to foundering passing the news.

[bouchonne]

Hm. But here is the problem, of course. The news reports in my hand don't mention you.

[coquettish_trees]

Of course they would not admit to it. I simply thought that as you are a man I know to be desperately devoted to the truth in all things you might appreciate knowing the whole of the story.

[bouchonne]

My dear Lexie, I'm hurt. It's like you don't understand me at all. You know I'm a liar.

[coquettish_trees]

[ bright chiming laughter ]

Ah, then you admit to having lied and concocted this report entirely to rob me of my rightful place as the woman who inspired the latest fashions of Antiva?

[ overwrought: ] You are a villain and a scoundrel, and yet I find I cannot bring myself to quit your company.

[bouchonne]

Well...You do have a fondness for the mendacious. For men without worth, who are far beneath you.

[coquettish_trees]

[ this again ]

It is true enough that I have a fondness for men beneath me, although I can certainly be enticed into other arrangements.

[bouchonne]

Other arrangements? My dear, that implies that there is any man who is your equal, does it not? A ludicrous proposition.