bouchonne: (smug fuck)
Byerly Vlad Rutyer ([personal profile] bouchonne) wrote in [community profile] therookery2018-10-13 03:07 pm

news post (crystal)

FORM: Crystalllll
SENDER: Byerly Rutyer
RECIPIENT: every....one.....
WHAT: Byerly demanded the right to read the news, and I am sorry
WHEN: The moment this smacks your eyes
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Smutty talk and cursing


Hear ye, hear ye. Bend your ear, fair maids and lads, and all you dissolute dung-heaps who have forsaken your virtue, shame on all of you, for most of you aren't even wed. Don't you know that humping should be only in the service of procreation? Blush, dear slatterns.

[ Oh, Maker, it's this guy. And he sounds happy. Indeed, he's cheerily clearing his throat, and saying - ]

It is I, Byerly Rutyer, here to read you the news of the world. Anyone who tunes me out is, therefore, going to be ill-informed and a disgrace. Your civic duty is to heed me.

First, the news from Nevarra! Oh, this is marvelous. It seems that the King is truly like a piece of cheese left out in cold weather - you know what I'm talking about - you come back after two months and somehow when you cut away the rind it's still edible. What I mean to say is that he's still alive. Rumor on the street is that he died months ago and has been puppeted by those horrifying Nevarran necromancers. What do they call them? Moriteasers? Anyway.

Now, the fair land of Orlais. I have good news and bad news there. First, the bad news: still full of Orlesians. Second, the good - ah, no, sorry, this is actually also bad news. Welcome to the Inquisition, newcomers, it is always thus. It turns out the peasants are revolting - [ A pause, and then - ] Oh, really, someone was supposed to say "what else is new." You're all useless. So - the peasants are revolting - lightly revolting - because as it turns out someone has gotten in their heads and made them forget that their duty is to die on behalf of their betters. Hideous. Was it one of you? You're all bloody halfway to being social revolutionaries yourselves. In any case. In Montsimmard and Verchiel, there have been riots, because the peasants are displeased with the way that they're being arrested when they refuse to fight. They're not being hanged. So touchy. They're also displeased because they're being compensated less when their possessions are seized for the war efforts. Honestly, what value material wealth? Why can't people like that let it go? Why do things matter so much to them?

And now Tevinter. Good news and bad news. Good news, the Tevinters have their own country, and none of us are ever obligated to go there, praise the Maker. Bad news - oh, no, actually this is rather good news. Don't get used to it, newcomers; the Inquisition is rarely thus. The anti-Venatori sorts are refusing to engage with the Venatori, since they suspect the Venatori may have murdered one of their cohort...which is such base slander, honestly, could you imagine a Venatori ever doing something like that? Such sweet, honest folks. The Venatori cry - [ In a bad Tevinter accent mixed with a generic stage-play villain voice: ] "You wretches! You merely wish to delay us in our path to executing our dastardly plan!" To which the others cry - [ Again a Tevinter accent, though this time resonant and heroic - ] "Get fucked!" Vote will happen in Firstfall. We all hold our breath in antici...

[ Loooooong pause. ]

Antiva! Oh, finally, some news that actually matters. Fashion, my dears, we're talking fashion. The look of the season, this season, is black ribbons and teardrop-shaped pearls. Why? Oh, my darlings, in tribute to us. They're weeping symbolically. Not, of course, sending any assistance or resources, but oh, they weep! And also spend. And also turn glorious profit. Turns out certain merchant princes with pearl interests and black-silk interests have been particularly vociferous in reminding their citizens that they should express their sympathies. So if you want to line your pockets, dear ones, ship your black ribbons off to Antiva before Satinalia's end. And be comforted, knowing that they care just enough for it to set a fashion trend.

[ A clap of his hands. ]

Have you news to share? Information for the rank gossip-mongers? We're hungry for it. Oh, feed us. Feed us, please.
gritted: (027)

[personal profile] gritted 2018-10-14 12:27 am (UTC)(link)
[ INTRIGUING. She lowers her voice slightly. ]

A dark past... with getting the news.

[ She's skeptical, of course, but also: dish. ]
gritted: (010)

[personal profile] gritted 2018-10-14 12:33 am (UTC)(link)
[ Upon further evaluation, she doesn't actually care if this is bullshit. She's 100% into it. ]

No. Is it a person? Some type of disease?
gritted: (053)

[personal profile] gritted 2018-10-14 12:56 am (UTC)(link)
Oh. Has he died?
assistente: (05)

[personal profile] assistente 2018-10-14 09:41 pm (UTC)(link)
It is not a terrible thing.

[Well, maybe still living is, actually, terrible, given all of this.]
assistente: (01)

[personal profile] assistente 2018-10-14 09:58 pm (UTC)(link)
That is-- [no] --not what I meant to--I mean, it is entirely beside the point.
heirring: (rumpled and still superior)

[personal profile] heirring 2018-10-16 06:42 am (UTC)(link)
It is not beside the point! Really, Mister Rutyer, Messere Pizzicagnolo hardly deserves to be terrorized this way.

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assistente: (02)

[personal profile] assistente 2018-10-14 09:46 pm (UTC)(link)
[In a sad, mournful voice:]

It was delivered, once, before, in a fashion that was much more-- subdued. And appropriate. Or so one could argue.
byblow: (95)

[personal profile] byblow 2018-10-15 04:09 pm (UTC)(link)
Dignified. That’s the word I would pick. Do you still have that complaint box?
assistente: (04)

[personal profile] assistente 2018-10-16 03:58 am (UTC)(link)
Yes.

[To dignified, but actually, also--]

A good word, for-- Oh, um, and--yes. It is posted outside of the Base Operations office. Do you, uh--?
byblow: (1)

[personal profile] byblow 2018-10-17 01:52 am (UTC)(link)
No, no. I'll do it properly.
assistente: (07)

[personal profile] assistente 2018-10-18 06:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh? Oh. Uh--yes. Thank you.

[He gets it. But he will get it, properly, once he checks the complaint box and sees it all there.

And part of him will be kind of amused, and a little grateful. And part of him will be happy for the work of sorting through complaints. But it is also an abuse of the complaint box's purpose. So much to contend with.]
assistente: (04)

[personal profile] assistente 2018-10-18 07:28 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, no. I can't. I mean, that is-- Base Operations will.

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byblow: (15)

[personal profile] byblow 2018-10-17 02:10 am (UTC)(link)
That's between me and the complaint box, Ser.
byblow: (47)

[personal profile] byblow 2018-10-17 02:51 am (UTC)(link)
You might be, but I'm a Grey Warden. We're about vigilance and victory. And sacrifice.
byblow: (62)

[personal profile] byblow 2018-10-17 03:17 am (UTC)(link)
People sleep better when we aren't.

The Inquisition ought to be about honesty, though. That sounds like a good value for people who Inquisit.

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