crystal.

[byblow]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Alistair
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Underpants
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: I spent all my AC points on a shopping crate of underpants and bras so anyone can have 2-3 pieces of modern women's underwear of their choosing xoxoxo you're welcome. You don't have to tag me to handwave that your character snuck in and got some, either!

[ Usually when Alistair bothers everyone on these things, he sounds like he's leaned back in a chair somewhere and making it up as he goes along. This time it sounds like he practiced. ]

I have a box of... things, for women. [ Practice doesn't always make perfect. ] I had to wrestle a merchant who wanted to take them to Val Royeaux, but I won. So they're free! To whoever they fit.

A lot of them sort of. Stretch. [ There are some thoughtful pauses. Anyone who knows him might be able to guess it's because he's playing with whatever it is that stretches. ] But then they go back—

Anyway, you can have them. All of you. And if any women want to take the whole box and share it somewhere people don't feel watched while they look, I'm happy to drag it to you.

That's all.

[ Another pause. And a quiet thwack, the sound of cloth hitting a wall, specifically because he's slingshot a pair of underwear across the room. ]

Ah, thank you.

Comments

[arcaneadvisor]

Alistair.

[Do you feel the face she is making?]

[byblow]

Hello, Morrigan.

[ Yes he can. Help. ]

I don't suppose you'd like some... things.

[arcaneadvisor]

I wonder, however did you wrestle this merchant for the goods without combusting? [The words 'sweaty octopus' and 'unhooking a bra' come to mind.

But y'know, she is a woman with needs.]

Do you feel any would suit me, knowing one another as well as we do?

[byblow]

Uhhhhhhhh.

[byblow]

I feel like there's no way I can answer this without dying.

[arcaneadvisor]

A Grey Warden who faced an Archdemon yet you balk at this? How disappointed Leliana must be, how long had we known her when she made her opinions known on not only colours but fabrics and what cut she thought flattering?

[arcaneadvisor]

[Now for an appropriately long pause that it gets a tag of its own. Are you in need of healing yet Alistair?]

[arcaneadvisor]

Black or purple, if there are any not yet promised to any others.

[byblow]

[ We're sorry, Alistair has passed away. Please direct any further inquiries to the heir to his estate. ]

[byblow]

I'll... see what I can do. And if I happen to do very well, I want you to know that it's pure luck, absolute coincidence, because I haven't looked lower than your chin since— [ abort! ] —in twelve years. [ Nailed it. ] For all I know you're just a floating head or you had a magical mishap and now have the body of a bear.

[arcaneadvisor]

[Alistair that is literally her son.]

Dear Alistair, I am sure even in the Chantry you heard tales of offending we Witches of the Wild? There are far worse things than the cooking pot for those who raise our ire.

[Nice save, you are spared frog time.]

The bear can be arranged if that is your desire when I come to collect.

[Bears are non-negotiable, you have said the word bear, the contract is made since just the same way a bell cannot be unrung, a word cannot be unsaid. (You could say Camp Shady doesn't deserve what Morrigan inflicts, but let us look at the residents and know that they absolutely do deserve what Morrigan inflicts upon them when visiting Alistair.)]

[byblow]

I think a bear would be best, yes. For all involved.

[ They definitely deserve it. ]

[arcaneadvisor]

Is that always your preference?