A SURVEY

[aventuriere]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Baroness Frédérique Durfort-Lacapalette, Brother Jehan Mercier, and Valentine Nicasius Maxence Mérovée Olivier de Foncé
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Important questions
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Please threadjack

Inquisition, we have a question for you.

[ DO NOT SILENCE YOUR CRYSTALS. That is an Orlesian voice, but it is not Val de Foncé's voice. Instead, it is the voice of a woman, which makes it immediately superior. You are probably safe. Maybe. Keep listening. ]

You see, we are scholars. The best of scholars! And this Inquisition, it offers the most magnifique opportunities to learn more of this world and we, my friends, we are here to take on that most noble challenge!

We are conducting a study. [ From the tavern. ] Which of Thedas' nations is your favorite? Le plus fantastique? [ A pause, some murmuring reminder while the crystal is covered with a hand. ] You may not say Orlais, and you must explain why, pour l'étude.

[ HERE is Val’s voice. Please keep listening. ]



You may not say Orlais because we already know that it is Orlais. We have been to Orlais, many times. [ A voice cuts in, dry: ] We are even from Orlais, in case you had not guessed. [ From, you know. The really obvious accents. ] For this, we seek other answers. Answers that are more diverse. Perhaps it is better to say second best? Second favorite? With, naturally, Orlais being the favorite. We are, you see, all in disagreement.

It is threatening to tear us apart, when we have only just been brought back together.

Yes, because you are wrong. If you would cease to be so wrong, we would not be torn apart!

No, you are-- Ah, courage, my friends! We must not be torn apart. [ There is some shuffling and oofing. It is possible that arms are being thrown about shoulders and necks are being squeezed. ] Inquisition, we turn to you, on behalf of our reunion, and the great Baroness Haut-Brion.

If you answer our question we will permit you to call her Freddie.

You will permit nothing, but I may permit it, if your answers are particularly clever.

Also, for a bet-- [ Should Chantry Brothers make bets? Shh. Should Chantry Brothers pause while speaking to drink wine? Shhhhh. ] How many times per day is it reasonable to pray? Suppose that you are also reasonably faithful.

Suppose that you are a madman, a holy madman--

And that you desire nothing more than to be Andraste's second husband and like Maferath to be cuckolded by the Maker himself--

[ Should Chantry brothers dump wine over the heads of their friends? Shhhhhhhhh. ]

Comments

[unbrokenoath]

Fereldan, 'cause it's the home of Thedas' most valuable assets. Mabari, and me.

[aventuriere]

The inability or unwillingness of Fereldans to come up with anything at all to recommend their nation except dogs is truly remarkable. Is it that you are all utterly without imagination or that you are all realists who recognize that there simply is nothing else worth even attempting to say for it?

[unbrokenoath]

Well, I mean, I could go into talking about how we haven't taken over any of our neighboring countries, murdered all the nobles, and continued to murder everyone until they got us to fuck off. Or maybe that we don't torch our alienages? And, I mean, there's that whole thing about how we don't have nobles getting off to their idiotic courtly intrigue and callin' it a game while half the country is killing each other and is kinda on fire?

But I mean. The dogs are pretty great.

I like Antiva, too. The food is great and everyone's real damn pretty.

[aventuriere]

Yes, it is a dreadfully boring place. I suppose the dogs really are all that can be said about it.

Antiva certainly has its charms. Have you visited many times?

[byblow]

You could also say we have the finest cuisine and the gentlest people.

[aventuriere]

And I could say that the sea is bright orange and tastes like fruit juice, but that will not make it so.

[byblow]

It might. If you say it often enough. There's no knowing until you try.

[aventuriere]

How many times have you said this about Ferelden? The finest cuisine, the cleanest people, whatever that nonsense was. Many times?

[byblow]

Oh, no, that would be the first. Usually what I say about Ferelden is that the mud comes up to your knees, which is fantastic for building stamina, and since the dead never stay dead you never run out of things to kill--if that's fun for you, of course, it isn't for everyone--and since everything smells like wet dog, no one will notice if you need to go awhile without bathing. It's paradise.

[aventuriere]

Truly, I cannot fathom why they did not make you king at once.

[byblow]

It was a veeeery difficult decision. I think the deciding factor was that I was dragged into the Landsmeet by my ankles, ripping my fingernails out on the floor, shouting no, please, anything else.

That, and Prince Cousland is better-looking.

[aventuriere]

He is very dashing, isn't he? I cannot imagine him being dragged anywhere by his ankles, though I know a great many comtesses of a certain age who should be happy to do so if they thought it would work.

[byblow]

Well, they would have to find him, and then they would have to fight his wife, who's more frightening than any darkspawn I've ever encountered. But after that? It's not the worst plan I've ever heard.

[aventuriere]

I think, sir, that you may underestimate the comtesses of a certain age. There is no creature more formidable. If ever you should need a dragon killed or a fortress besieged, merely inform Claudette Vernochier and her bosom sisters that beyond the hazard lies a young man of some decent form and needy fortune wearing only lavender oil and a strategically placed ribbon bow, and you shall have your victory in the blink of an eye.

[byblow]

[ There's a quiet noise that, if you're very good at deciphering noises, sounds like a burst of air that wanted to be a laugh behind smothered behind a bulky fist.

Then a pause. ]

You should propose that to Seeker Pentaghast. A special unit.

[aventuriere]

I would not have guessed she was one to approach about such things. And indeed if the Seeker requires that the units in question be special then she is a great deal more discerning than Claudette.

[byblow]

[ This time there's spluttering. ]

She, ah--no. I can't top that.

[degenere]

So few can top her.

[aventuriere]

I do quite prefer topping others instead.

[degenere]

Antiva! Finally, a decent opinion. I will confess, I did not listen to a word of anything else until I heard that country's name, so perhaps your other opinions were in fact worth considering, but--

[A dismissive noise. Who cares.]

There is so much to recommend Antiva. I am surprised you stopped at only two virtues.

[unbrokenoath]

...I...like their spiced wine. I'm not usually a wine drinker, but I like theirs.

[ She's pretty sure she should be insulted, but. Whatever. ]

[degenere]

If you like their spiced wine, and I like their spiced wine, why does the tavern-keeper insist upon serving wine of a vastly inferior vintage and quality?

[SUCKS, man.]

A merchant's head for sums and shipping routes is not one of my specialties, but I have considered opening up some sort of means of acquiring a supply of decent Antivan wine for myself. I know there are means in place, but they aren't mine-- [and so are obviously inferior] --and perhaps I could be inspired to share.