A SURVEY

[aventuriere]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Baroness Frédérique Durfort-Lacapalette, Brother Jehan Mercier, and Valentine Nicasius Maxence Mérovée Olivier de Foncé
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Important questions
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Please threadjack

Inquisition, we have a question for you.

[ DO NOT SILENCE YOUR CRYSTALS. That is an Orlesian voice, but it is not Val de Foncé's voice. Instead, it is the voice of a woman, which makes it immediately superior. You are probably safe. Maybe. Keep listening. ]

You see, we are scholars. The best of scholars! And this Inquisition, it offers the most magnifique opportunities to learn more of this world and we, my friends, we are here to take on that most noble challenge!

We are conducting a study. [ From the tavern. ] Which of Thedas' nations is your favorite? Le plus fantastique? [ A pause, some murmuring reminder while the crystal is covered with a hand. ] You may not say Orlais, and you must explain why, pour l'étude.

[ HERE is Val’s voice. Please keep listening. ]



You may not say Orlais because we already know that it is Orlais. We have been to Orlais, many times. [ A voice cuts in, dry: ] We are even from Orlais, in case you had not guessed. [ From, you know. The really obvious accents. ] For this, we seek other answers. Answers that are more diverse. Perhaps it is better to say second best? Second favorite? With, naturally, Orlais being the favorite. We are, you see, all in disagreement.

It is threatening to tear us apart, when we have only just been brought back together.

Yes, because you are wrong. If you would cease to be so wrong, we would not be torn apart!

No, you are-- Ah, courage, my friends! We must not be torn apart. [ There is some shuffling and oofing. It is possible that arms are being thrown about shoulders and necks are being squeezed. ] Inquisition, we turn to you, on behalf of our reunion, and the great Baroness Haut-Brion.

If you answer our question we will permit you to call her Freddie.

You will permit nothing, but I may permit it, if your answers are particularly clever.

Also, for a bet-- [ Should Chantry Brothers make bets? Shh. Should Chantry Brothers pause while speaking to drink wine? Shhhhh. ] How many times per day is it reasonable to pray? Suppose that you are also reasonably faithful.

Suppose that you are a madman, a holy madman--

And that you desire nothing more than to be Andraste's second husband and like Maferath to be cuckolded by the Maker himself--

[ Should Chantry brothers dump wine over the heads of their friends? Shhhhhhhhh. ]

Comments

[byblow]

[ Sighs. ]

Ah—no. I'm not allowed to go back. But they were pretty nice about it.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

[... Wait a moment here.]

Alistair, we've been to Fereldan. Several times. In fact more than several times.

[byblow]

Yes, let's announce that as publicly as possible.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

Oh Maker. Alistair! [Exasperation mixed with fondness mixed with worry.]

Are you going to be in trouble now? Should I go speak to someone?

[byblow]

If you'd like to go petition the Queen—

[ Rising intonation there, be my guest implied.

But: ]

Don't. It's fine.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

Well of course I will!

[Don't be silly, Alstair. Fereldan is your home and you're a Warden so you shouldn't worry about getting beheaded or something.]

[byblow]

No, no. I really doubt it's a good time.

[ Rifts, you know. Apocalypse. Prince Cousland vanishing. Plenty of reasons for her rule to be unstable already without adding him, even if he really has no interest in destabilizing anything. ]

But you're very sweet.

[sunshinethroughgrey]

Well I don't want you to have your head lopped off or ... or I don't know, thrown into some prison where you can't get cheese.

[She sighs.]

Even if the Queen doesn't like you there, you're still an important part of Fereldan. You saved her, and the entirety of Thedas, so you get your dues.

[aventuriere]

Excuse me, not to interrupt this fascinating insight into current political relations but you are the Alistair?

[unbrokenoath]

Nah, we pulled him outta a discount bin. Half-priced Alistairs, just a little off model.

The nose is a little off, but we all figured it'd do.

[justice_is_blond]

Wait, we paid for him? I was told they paid us.

[byblow]

A lot, I hope, seeing how I'm deeeefinitely the source of most of our headaches.

[ No he's not. Points to eyes points to both of you. ]

[justice_is_blond]

Come now. We all know that's Blackwall. Stirring up arguments, picking fights, loud speeches... you'd think the beard would act as some sort of sound barrier but it doesn't.

[He knows he's the real headache. That doesn't mean he's not going to tease.]

[byblow]

Ah--

[degenere]

The.

[byblow]

Every Alistair is the Alistair to someone, probably.

[degenere]

And who is it that you are the to?

[byblow]

Erm, well. More people than average, I suppose.

But look at you lot! So quickly becoming the Orlesians.

[degenere]

That is of little surprise, Monsieur The. We strive to be outstanding and remarkable in everything that we do. Since what we do is now act as asset and saving force for the Inquisition, it is natural that we should become remarkable while doing so.

To rather more than average.