[ OPEN CORRESPONDENCE ] TELL ME BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW

[universal_charm]

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Jim Kirk
RECIPIENT: Everyone who wants to listen
WHAT: Two important points of business
WHEN: Currently
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Potential (probably guaranteed) raunchiness

_{[ There's a soft muttering at first - "Does this thing actually work? I think I'm doing this right... okay here goes..." a cough and finally - ]}

Ah, good afternoon everyone. My name's Jim Kirk, and I haven't been here long, but I had a couple of things I wanted to look into, if anyone could be so kind as to provide answers.

First - I'm looking for either a woodworker, merchant, anyone can make or provide a chess board and chess pieces. If you don't know what that game is, I can describe what it is I need, and even teach it to you, if you like. It's a strategy game where I am from that I am fond of, and I would like a little piece of home while so far away from it.

I'm willing to pay, of course.

But now for the really important question....

What are the best and worst pick up lines - either used on you or that you've used yourself?

_{[ It's definitely an important question. ]}

Comments

[universal_charm]

Haha, I think I'm getting better at Wicked Grace, actually, if you ever want to play again. Chess requires a different mind set - and I've always found it mentally stimulating in an entertaining way.

So, you don't hate them, you just want more creativity?

[gatheringstorm]

Exactly. 'Ox' this and 'horns' that, it gets old. What if someone just kept commenting on how human you were every time they were trying to make a pass? Don't tell me that wouldn't make your ears bleed.

[universal_charm]

Is... is ox a compliment amongst your people?

_{[ Because it definitely wasn't in other females he'd met. ]}

Hah, probably it would. I guess it's different since mostly I've been around humans my whole life.

[gatheringstorm]

It's no more a compliment than calling an elf a 'rabbit'. Which, don't. Humans love comparing us to animals.

And somehow, I'm not surprised. No matter what the realm, humans are everywhere. Though normally I don't mind, it's just the above crap that makes me want to dump ale over people's heads.

[universal_charm]

Right, got it, no animal comparisons.

_{[ See, he knew he'd get good information out of this question! ]}

Yeah, I can definitely see why you would. I'm surprised you keep it to just pouring ale on their heads. I would think that would at least deserve a slap or two - one for lack of creativity, and one for just being insulting.

[gatheringstorm]

It depends on where I am and how persistent they are. I'm at least trying to behave myself in Skyhold, and there are too many eager to label my kind as unthinking brutes. I hate playing into stereotypes. On the other hand, I'm not going to just stand there and take shit.

...though instead of wasting ale, I should keep Cabot's 'miracle hangover cure' to dump over them instead. They'll never get the smell out.

[universal_charm]

Do I even want to know what goes into that? I'm imagining a smell like a skunk, for the record.

[gatheringstorm]

Worse. Much, much worse. More like a skunk the size of a gurn riddled with darkspawn taint let one loose in the tavern.

[universal_charm]

Sounds awful.

... What's a gurn?

[gatheringstorm]

They're large, aggressive beasts with thick hides that often live in the desert. Annoying things, but hardly the most deadly I've ever fought.

[universal_charm]

They oddly sound a lot like a desert animal we have called a camel. They spit.

[gatheringstorm]

Sounds lovely. At any rate, you should see what I'm talking about soon enough, if the Inquisition gets its shit together and heads west.

[universal_charm]

As in leaving Skyhold?

[gatheringstorm]

Well, some of us. There will always be a presence here, but it'd be as with Emprise du Lion, the advisors sending forces to deal with Corypheus' latest shit-shirring.

[universal_charm]

Okay, I think another trip to the library is in store...

But I think I get the general idea. Isn't there a way to, er, deal directly with the source of all the shit though? Seems like that would save a lot of headaches.

_{[ And lives, but that goes unsaid. ]}

[gatheringstorm]

If there was, I'd be all over that. You should know how I favor the direct approach by now. But no one knows where Corypheus' base is; even our spymaster hasn't come up with anything yet.

[universal_charm]

Hmmm.... well, do you know if the things and situations he causes - have they all be within certain areas or very wide-spread?

[gatheringstorm]

Extremel wide-spread. Those rifts are all over southern Thedas, probably beyond. He's had his hand in screwing up Orlais, messing with the Grey Wardens, and those Venatori of his mean he probably has other influence in Tevinter, too. Awesome.

[universal_charm]

Has anyone considered that some of the rifts might not be his work at all? They might have some natural cause? Does anyone have an idea of where most of his activity has been?

[gatheringstorm]

No, they aren't natural causes at all. It all started from an explosion at the Conclave, which created the mother of all rifts, the Breach. There were none before then, none at all. Solas said it had something to do with an orb he used, so it wasn't entirely his own doing. Presumably, he still has it.

[universal_charm]

_{[ Curious. It made him wonder if the first Rift wasn't done on purpose, and the others were random, based on fall out from the initial rift. ]}

Hmm. Well, I was going to try and see if we couldn't do a loose sort of triangulation, but looks like that might be harder to do than I thought.