crystal; open

[inagutterson]

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Yngvi
RECIPIENT: Open
WHAT: If you had the chance to change your fate...
WHEN: Backdated to closer to the start of the year (life why are you like this)
WHERE: Gallows
NOTES: Likely to get into some Carta things as well as discussion of less than ideal childhoods and mercy killings. Hit me up if you have concerns/want to skirt around things.

How d'you leave a thing if a thing was always you? [Not the best opening line, he needs to back up a bit.  Compared to last time on the crystals where it was putting on an old pair of boots that don't fit right now, it's not as bad as before.  Less sharp.  Just someone deflated as if they've been trying to climb a thing only to consider their stamina for the venture.]  Like say you grew up with a story taught in the cold, dark, damp but it was all yours in your bones same as that thing so even if it was full of knives those are your knives, and you're not some soft thing. And the story was about some siblings who go out one day by the docks. One get gets caught in a rope and the other one ties themselves to it to haul the other in but they both drown. They get called sentiment and hope.

[Carta bedtime stories aren't like your typical bedtime stories.  Yngvi is aware of that, thanks, the embarrassed almost laugh gives it away.]

So say that was your bedtime story, and you-- you were complicit in big things but you grew up that way so you were a kid, and you ate all your siblings because otherwise they ate you... how do you leave? I mean can you? Or do things grind you up to dust and swallow you down instead?

Comments

[trashlife]

[ It's how it works for her. Nice for him that some people aren't replaceable. She's never had that. Never cared about anyone and no one's sure as shit ever cared about her. She's been replaced as courier already; she knows that. They'd be stupid not to. Doesn't mean they won't spend a moment beating her ass when she gets back for daring not to return on schedule. ]

They would where I'm from. That's just facts. [ She knows she's so useless that she'd have been killed long ago if she couldn't run like the wind. ] Whether they would or not where you're from, well, you're thinking about it, which says a lot.

[ It says more than he's willing to admit, she reckons. ]

I dunno. Don't really have an answer for it all, but if someone comes along and explains it all proper to you, maybe pass it along. Might need it for someday. Not sure yet.

[ It's just a seed planted in her head by others here: those who have said "You don't have to go back to that life." But the seed hasn't been watered and there's no sun shining down on it. Not yet. ]

Just wanted to say... you know, you're not the only one wondering this sorta thing. If you felt... [ alone? ] weird about asking. Or something.

[inagutterson]

[Watch a friend rot from the inside out when he was getting better then give him to his gods. Watch another one years ago scream herself out when everyone was dead then spend a month silent as a tomb with everyone keeping some unspoken pact to stay up with her at all hours. Or stand vigil outside the door of your lady when she's so sad you don't know why, but you're as scared as you've ever been because there aren't words, there won't be words, and she won't say, you can't ask, you can only guard her door until one day she comes out.

Comes out different but at least she comes out.]

Books have to be balanced. You don't talk like someone who went into things without a debt somewhere, and they keep track of it. You can think it, but even if you were shit at what you did, they want to be in the black, not the red. If you're in the red, well—[Well everyone was in the Deep Roads, and Yngvi has it under his nails.]

Some things it doesn't matter if they explained it to you, you can have it explained a hundred times or a thousand. It's in the execution. There's a lot to consider. [Which he's been mulling over a long time now, only in pieces. This is getting it there without getting into a fight on the way.]

[trashlife]

Guess so.

[ Not really. The more he rambles, the less she has any idea what he's talking about. Maybe if she knew the exact situation, she would get it.

Probably not, though. She's not what one would call "smart." ]

Good luck with it all, with the considering and getting it all straightened out.