(no subject)

[dashing]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Herian Amsel
RECIPIENT: everyone with a crystal
WHAT: Deep Thoughts & Dogges
WHEN: during Nevarra stuff, prior to the dragon hunt & Necropolis Thriller Reenactment.
WHERE: Nevaaaarra
NOTES: content warning for themes of loss & death. Also just a heads up that Herian is (still) a big jerk about the Dalish and rebels/eager apostates

Inquisition,

( she starts, and then there is a moment of pause. Her accent is stronger than it was before her trip to Starkhaven, renewed by proximity even if it has already softened from what it had been there. She speaks with that same, inevitable control, but she does not sound quite the same type of calm as usual. )

How do you best honour the dead? Recently or long departed. I would be glad to know.

( Just a casual question, nbd.

She sure doesn't sound like "glad" should be a description of her ever, but maybe given the content she can be forgiven. There's a small bark, and though it cannot be seen, rest assured that Herian is frowning at the source. There is a measured pause, before Herian adds, )

And if any could advise me what to do with a small canine that sees fit to prance about wherever I go, I'd be grateful.

( Quietly exasperated, to the dog as she moves to end the post, ) You're too short for the stairs. Accept it.

Comments

[dashing]

What is your verdict, now it is done? Have you any wish that it were different? Does it—

( there is a long pause, before she commits the rest to the air. Once it is given voice, it cannot be snatched back. The hesitation is brief. )

Does it make things easier? The bearing of it?

[aestivation]

It doesn't hurt. [ a long pause, and then, ] Do you remember what it was like, before you learned to read?

[dashing]

A little. Having to trust all you are told... not being able to understand all things laid before you.

[aestivation]

Perhaps. But you had all the same information. You saw the same shapes, the same patterns. You understood it — differently than others agree to. A word in Ander means nothing in Nevarran, no matter how many letters they share.

[dashing]

Is much of the world incomprehensible, then? Or simply viewed as though... from another window? A changed perspective, or stained glass.

[aestivation]

I remember hurt; I wrote of it often. I recall its shape. But if there’s a meaning to the word, I’ve forgotten it.

[dashing]

That seems... enviable.

( In this moment, in this grief, that sounds idyllic. A world without hurt or grief, without shame or sorrow. A world where injuries might not be healed, but they would not linger plague, where memories could not haunt. The relentless tide of hurts received and inflicted could be quelled, like ink that had once been a stain being diluted so much as to be no more.

Yes, that seemed idyllic. And yet— )

Are all things so? If hurt is forgot, is joy lost as well? Love and rage? Do they mean anything to you, still?

[aestivation]

No. [ if any lodge in his spine, not so easily displaced -- ] Which of those most troubles you?

[dashing]

Hurt, ( and then, after a pause that lasts a little too long, ) presently.

I have no certainty I should remain myself, without love or rage. They both of them drive our passions - stir us to justice and compassion. Each must be tightly contained, kindness and care must come from love. And rage— that can drive us forward when all else might overwhelm.

[aestivation]

Must they? [ come from love. care is a behavior, much as anything. moving forward is ] Have I acted with kindness towards you?

[dashing]

( She pauses, there. Truthfully, the question throws her. )

You have. But did you care whether that kindness helped? Was it simply... a necessity?

( Necessity is not the right word, but neither is "convenience.") Did it matter?

[aestivation]

If it mattered to you,

[ it’s an answer. still, he hasn’t done this for himself — ]

Then it mattered.

[dashing]

( She's quiet for a moment, considering that. Perhaps passion had its downfalls. Perhaps it could turn even the best intentions and actions into something selfish. Did it matter, in the end, how she perceived something? How she came to do the action, so long as it was done? Perhaps that was self-indulgent. )

Then—

Perhaps it is possible to better serve others, when personal desires do not cloud what must be done.

[aestivation]

Perhaps.

[ cleaning open wound, clearing tissue scarred from place — the rubble, the rows — no, he wouldn’t have been so quick at it, once. ]

It has been for me.

[dashing]

I think—

What is necessary cannot be done for the sake of self-indulgence or validation - for our emotional gratification. When we crave that or when it is what drives us, then we can be warped. Change ourselves or our mission in the name of winning approval.

( She enjoys praise and acknowledgement, but if that was the reason for acting, could she not easily be swayed from what was right and honourable, and into what would appease egos and selfish desires?

She loves Cosima, but she does not act for Cosima's approval. Perhaps one of the reasons she came to care for Cosima so greatly because Cosima is able to see things differently from so many in Thedas, is not bound by the same degree of agenda as so many of this world, but she does not stray from her course for the sake of winning validation.

Herian has been too self-centred in the past. She knows that she craves recognition on some levels, is too proud, but—

Perhaps it would be better to take away the possibility of that ever rearing up again. )

Those who act based on their own emotion may simply serve themselves, and not the betterment of things beyond themselves.

[aestivation]

Each way requires effort —

[ it’s only rational to serve oneself, however short a distance one's preferences extend ]

But I wished to help, and not to die. We make our own choices.

I’m within the Research offices most days, if you require me.

[dashing]

I see.

( she thinks. )

You have my thanks. What is your name, ser?

[aestivation]

Casimir Lyov. Casimir, if you'd prefer.

[dashing]

Would you prefer it?

[aestivation]

[ he doesn’t. but it’s usually simpler to pretend, to revert to old bias: ]

Yes, thank you.

private ∞; a wild myr appears

[faithlikeaseed]

Herian--

[He has to check himself immediately; he's been listening this whole time with dread growing like a black flower in his chest and thought he had control enough not to just--

Do whatever it is he's doing now.]

Don't. Please. It isn't an answer.

[dashing]

( Myr pls

Herian inhales slowly, indignance simmering beneath her skin. She remains controlled, as always. )

I have made no decisions. I would say that it being an answer you would sooner refute does not dismiss it’s validity.

[faithlikeaseed]

[Herian pls. Myr takes a breath to argue--

And checks himself again. Slow down.]

Forgive me for being hasty in my concern, then. [Genuinely apologetic; he does stupid things when he panics.]

It isn't--personal distaste that makes me say so; it isn't an answer because it is wrong.

You are right--our emotions, our desires for validation or esteem or anything else in this world can suborn us away from our duty. But if the Maker desired that to not be so, He would have Made us like His first children.

The choice matters, even if it means we can sometimes choose wrongly.

[dashing]

I understand.

( She sounds calm, but she is not. )

Tranquility itself though, that is a choice we might make that we are better able to carry out our duties. It is not always so; delivered as a punishment means choice is robbed, but if transquility is freely chosen then it is not the evil you paint it as. The Chantry, at its best, can deliver Tranquility only as a choice. In certain circumstances, if it is a punishment fairly decided on, with precedent, it can be supposed the mage to be rendered Tranquil accepted it as potential consequence of their actions when they chose to carry them out.

[faithlikeaseed]

It's a choice that they never should have been able to offer. [He's trying to sound calm. He mostly manages to sound calm. He thinks.] It's a choice that shears us of our dreams and our souls and our selves, and leaves us vulnerable to the worst abuses evil men can devise. Held against death as an alternative, it's not a choice at all to those who wish only to live and have no grasp of what's to be done to them. If it is intended as a mercy--

[His voice rises and he cuts himself short, takes a deep breath, asks for calm. This is too personal and it was a mistake to begin, but now that he has...]

I am sorry. This isn't what you need to hear, if you're in a state to consider Tranquility a solution.