therookery | (no subject)

Entry tags:

{ kit }

(no subject)

FORM: sending crystal
SENDER: Cullen Rutherford
RECIPIENT: everyone
WHAT: Cullen is attempting to turn nostalgia into a good thing again
WHEN: now

[ The voice over the crystal sounds tired, which is nothing new, but there's a little bit of fire that's been lacking lately. Maybe it's a desire to get back to something that's been slipping away. ]

I've had a reminder recently that one's past can not be outrun, and perhaps that isn't such a bad thing. It is the hand that shapes the people we become. Looking at those I have in my life now, I feel I have a cause to be grateful for the pasts we all carry.

I'd like to ask for something - a happy memory. Something that gives you hope, something that keeps you going. I realize it's an easy thing to lose sight of, things being as they are, but forgotten is not the same as gone.

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[A casteless dwarf, and then a Legionnaire, Kit doesn't have too many happy memories to share. But there is one--]

First time I saw sunshine. [A little grin.] Never going to forget the sight of it; weird thing for a kid from Orzammar to see, you know.

Anyway. That's my memory.

[ It's such a simple thing, the kind of thing that Cullen would and does take for granted. He wonders if he'll ever come to a place in his life where he'll stop doing that. ]

I do. I mean, I don't, but I can imagine. There probably isn't anything in my own experience that truly replicates it, but I imagine the sight of it, the feel of it--

It sounds like a wonderful memory.

Happy to share it with you, salroka. You sound like you could use a little pick-me-up.

I feel like most of us could. Maybe I'll watch the sun rise tomorrow.

[ It's not like he won't already be awake. ]

I remember the day that my siblings and I were no longer indentured - Marion insisted that we go to the finest bakery in Kirkwall and buy ourselves each a cake the size of our heads. We sat on the docks, looking out to the water, just laughing and talking. It was one of the few times that Carver wasn't in a foul, fighting mood with us ... and we told old stories about Father and all the trouble we got into as children...

It was good. It was a good day.

How do you handle it? Having them-- missing them.

[ Beat. ]

You don't have to answer if that's too personal a question.

I - well.

[There's a rueful laugh.]

It depends on the day, Cullen. Sometimes I can deal with it just fine - and some days I miss them so much I want to pack up my bag to find them. I handle it ... well. They are safer if I don't know where they are, if no one knows. I remember that no matter what, we're always a family, even if miles separate us.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have--

But thank you. That's something I've had a difficult time remembering lately, while I'm missing those who aren't here.

[ One in particular, and he's sure that were she still around, she'd know just how to fix what's broken in him. This place wouldn't phase her. She would take it in her stride, as she does all things. ]

You absolutely should have.

And if you ever need a little sister, I shall be pleased to fill in. It's a job I am well-acquainted with, after all.

[She knows how hard it is, to go without your family. She has a feeling that Cullen could use one that was more than just blood right now.]

If this is a ploy to try and get me to let you ride on my back while I pretend to be a dragon, it's not going to work. Even Rosie can't pull that one off any more.

[Quietly,] Seeing my cousin again, when I was first brought to Hasmal Circle. I was terrified out of my wits and he told me everything would be all right. [And mostly, it was. As much as things could be, for mages.]

I'd thought he was gone forever, until that point. Having him back was the Maker's own miracle.

[ Now that is a feeling anyone who made it through the blight with even a small part of their family still intact can relate with. ]

I wonder why it's so easy to focus on the things we've lost and so difficult to focus on what it is we still have.

[ At least, it's seemed that way, lately. He's sure it wasn't always the case. He doesn't quite realize that he's said it until he has. ]

Forgive me. It's remarkably comforting to hear so many of these memories are about family. It's such a pure source of happiness, the people who know and love you best.

Forgiven, serah. It's a good thing to wonder about--why, when there's blessings all around us, when we've been given so much, we're still fixed on tallying up our losses and demanding what's owed to us by the world.

[He realizes there's a faint note of frustration--at himself--that's leaked into the words, and he pauses for a breath to dissipate it.]

That's true. Though I've--ah. [He cuts himself off with a laugh.] You asked for happy memories, not grousing about how difficult family can sometimes be. Even if I wouldn't give up that part of it either.

[Most of the time.]

What's got you asking for happiness, though? [Other than...everything. That's wrong with the world right now.]

Edited 2017-08-31 07:02 (UTC)

Oh, just thinking about how I used to have more of it in my life. I've been wallowing in the loss for a while. I was hoping to be a bit more proactive, try to find some of it again.

[There's a smile in his voice now.] That's the attitude to have about it.

Has it helped, so far?

Before Sina and I actually made the journey to Skyhold, we stopped in the Hinterlands. There was someone there giving out crystals to the recruits.

I ended up accidentally having my first actual conversation with a human. [a chuckle] The distance the crystals provide lets you say things you wouldn't do if you were face to face with someone--for good or ill. I'd never had a shem'len friend before. Would have laughed if you'd told me my first friend in the Inquisition would be one. Wouldn't change it for the world.

Perhaps all first meetings would be better served if we had no idea what the other person looked like.

[ It's not the first time he's had this thought. ]

Who is the friend?

[there's a great deal of fondness in her voice]

Sam Gareth. Turned out he wasn't just a good listener, he was a smith. We've done some work together, traded tips and tricks from our respective peoples. I think we're both better craftsmen for it.

[and better people, at least on her end]

I know him. Good man. Odd ideas about cats on leashes. [ He says this bit with a laugh in his voice. ] But a good man.

Can't say I know about leashed cats, but yes, a good man.

[a short pause]

I also remember the first time I saw the architecture at Skyhold. I'd seen elven ruins before, but nothing like that.

The sight of my mother and sister singing and making supper. Father repairing his boots and pretending not to hum along. A cozy day indoors, a light rain outside.

...I daresay it's not a memory that necessarily fills me with hope or something I remember to keep me going, but it is a happy memory.

I have memories quite similar to that one. I think... it can be its own special brand of hope, remembering where we've come from, the ideals we held when we were younger, the people who loved and supported us.

What does keep you going?

Not a memory. The future keeps me going. Not looking back, but looking ahead at what could be if only I pick my sorry arse up and go help usher that future in. I suppose that sounds terribly optimistic for a self-confessed pessimist.

I suppose that's the trick, getting to a place where the promise of what tomorrow might hold can be enough to sustain you. I had that, once. Life was a lot simpler then, though. What I wanted out of life was a lot simpler.

We could all probably use a little more optimism. It's nice that you carry yours in such a productive way.

You have not named your own.

[ she said, not naming her own ]

You're right. I haven't.

Of course, neither have you, and I asked first.

Perhaps I am waiting upon more favourable terms of exchange. [ as in: any ] Haggling, no?

[ A simple enough thing, but Beleth still hesitates before answering. It's a...rather personal question, but it couldn't hurt. ]

My twin. No specific incidents, just...the times when it was just us, without responsibilities or obligations. Wading in the river and splashing each other, trying to race one another up a tree--I always won--or just having lunch together.

I don't like being apart from him, but--It helps me remember why I'm here. Why what I'm doing is so important.

Family is good for that. I think it serves the same purpose for a lot of us. If the answers to this question are any indication, anyway.

How long has it been since you last saw your twin brother?

[ He knows that there's something special there, that him missing his brother and sisters is not the same as someone missing their twin, but at least he has some frame of understanding for what it feels like to be away from family that you love. ]

[ A slightly sheepish laugh. ]

Not very long, truthfully. My clan primarily travels throughout the Free Marches, so ever since we've set up base in Kirkwall, I've been able to make monthly visits. [ Isn't it SO GREAT that we're in Kirkwall, Cullen? Just The Best. ] Before the move, I only got to see him once in the two years I've been here.

I know that it's still more than some have gotten to see their family, but. For our entire lives up to that point, we had rarely spent a day apart.

Sometimes the memories make me homesick. But they remind me of the good in this world that we are fighting for. And that no matter what happens here, I have someone who unconditionally loves and believes in me. It's a good motivator.

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