open || sending crystal

[humanistic]

FORM: sending crystal
SENDER: Mitchell, featuring the background musical stylings of Juke Bachs the bard
RECIPIENT: everyone
WHAT: a new bard has moved into Skyhold. he knows but one song. verily, how well he knows it. and it is getting old.
WHEN: immediately
WHERE: the tavern
NOTES: Tom Jones. also this will make more sense if you ctl+f Juke Bachs on the rewards page.

[Beginning this message takes some doing. Sending crystals are unfamiliar--but after a moment, fumbling gives way to the ambient noise of a fairly crowded pub. Conversation, the clink of dishes and mugs. Laughter. Music, in the background.]

Right. So-- [At last he's got this messaging thing worked out now, all right; he's nothing if not adaptable--] I don't know how it's done here, all right, but I've got t' complain.

This bard won't shut up.

And d'you know the worst part? The worst part is, he's playin' Tom Jones. [The horror.] Tom Jones! Come all this way, and there's still some prick doing 'What's New Pussycat' in the corner of the pub in the middle of the afternoon. It's suffocating. And that's the only thing he's playing, by the way. You ask him anything else, no matter how nicely you ask--no, that's the only thing. Tom Jones. 'What's New'. Nothing else.

I mean, I'm going out of my mind here. Anyone know how t' get this to stop? Jesus--

Comments

[arlathvhen]

Is that so odd? In my opinion, it's not unusual.

[humanistic]

Oh, don't you start. Jesus, it's like the whole place is against-- decent music--

[arlathvhen]

I don't understand. Would you prefer some other guy?

[humanistic]

I'd prefer no more at all. Thanks.

[motherfucking_ghost]

...Bro. Man. My guy. Dude.

You have just made my day. Who the fuck taught a bard Tom Jones? I mean, yeah, okay, that song, sure, that kinda sucks, but do you realize what this means? We could teach this guy David Bowie! Or, I dunno, the Beatles, Marilyn Manson, Johnny Cash--

Do you understand that if Rifter music can be played, the possibilities are god damn endless?

[humanistic]

[thank god someone normal. but also--]

All right, yeah, and I'm with you on that, mate. Only trouble is, he only knows 'What's New Pussycat'. And he's not inclined to be learning anything else, 'cause according to him, he's been blessed by some god with this song.

This Tom Jones song.

[motherfucking_ghost]

...Wait, he's just singing it over and over again and he hasn't been murdered yet?

[humanistic]

Key word there being, yet.

[Er. Little too close to temptation.]

I mean, he's taking breaks for water and all. But soon as he starts back up again, it's the same thing. And calling it his divine inspiration, which is not making me feel any kinder toward him.

[sheriffing]

You realize you could leave, right?

[ If the guy won't stop, bail on the entire pub.]

[humanistic]

Right, yeah. Only I've tried that, and when you come back in again, guess what it is that he's playing. Again.

[sheriffing]

And this doesn't bother anyone else?

[ How is he the only one annoyed by this?]

[humanistic]

Yes? I'm not taking a poll of who it's bothering, I'm asking how to shut him up.

[justice_is_blond]

You do know how to get someone to be quiet, right?

[A deliberate pause.]

Buy them a drink. It's not that hard to get someone to stop singing for a time, really.

[humanistic]

[DANGEROUS PAUSE affords him a chance to think of a few ways to get someone to be quiet, ways he has already thought of and buried. No joke intended on buried.

But at the actual answer--gratefully, wearily, he sighs.]

Oh, you're clever. Tried that one. Nearly three hours ago. You know what happened? He thanked me, picked up his guitar, and started in again.

I'm tellin' you. There's no stopping this man. He's like a machine.

[justice_is_blond]

Seriously? What sort of a bard doesn't take a drink break with someone who has already bought him one? I don't suppose there's another bard in there who wants to play, who he can be convinced to give up the stage for?

[Bards like drinks. Ones that don't stop for the chance of more drinks... Anders doesn't know what that's about.]

[humanistic]

I don't know. Are there sorts? I've only seen the one. And I think he's gotten rid of all the others, by means... unusual.

[Christ, it's catching.]

This might be the last one you've left.

[youwonscience]

You know, if someone were going to teach a bard just one Tom Jones song as a prank, I totally would have guessed "It's Not Unusual."

Could be worse. My neighbor first year of grad school was teaching himself to play "Wonderwall." With limited success.

[humanistic]

Ah, Jesus.

[The most important part of that is absolutely the threat part, which is to say--]

Keep it down, would you? Tom Jones is torment, but endless Oasis? Save us from the whingey vocals and the slow-motion videos of England's greatest overration.

[youwonscience]

He was that guy. The guitar guy. You know.

How do you feel about Queen? A friend and I were thinking about trying to popularize Bohemian Rhapsody, though I mean, definitely not the same without Freddie Mercury.

[demonicbeauty]

[Ariadne's voice is bright and clear, albeit a bit careful. It's no surprise to her to hear something she doesn't understand. But it's getting harder and harder to ask about the things she doesn't know without sounding foolish.

And Ariadne is no fool.

Still...she can use her youth and idealism to her advantage.]

I'm sorry. What's a Tom Jones?

[humanistic]

[Fortunately there's no weird moratorium on explaining Tom Jones. Does he want to explain Tom Jones, is the question? He did start it. Have to see it through.]

He's a-- bard, of sorts. A performer. Pretty famous where I'm from. Well--not where I'm from. We didn't curse the world with that one.

D'you have anything here where it's like--the sort of popular thing that only mothers like?

[demonicbeauty]

Oh, I wouldn't really know about that. I'm not...from this place.

[It's easier just to be open about being a Rifter. Saves you the trouble of having to come up with excuses later.]

But something only mothers would like?

...is there an innate...maternal quality to this bard?

SO LATE.

[eviscerates]

( cry, someone understands )

At least you don't work there.

( that's her special privilege, apparently. )

Maybe we can teach him something else? I'd settle for a different Tom Jones song, at this point.

AND YET SO PERFECT

[humanistic]

Thanks for making me feel sane again. I was beginning t' think I was the only one who'd ever heard him do this, and how's that possible. Spend more than a minute down here and you'll hear it.

[Er, well--]

Not that I'm glad you're suffering with me. A different Tom Jones song, really?

YOU HONOUR ME also wow sorry for slows

[eviscerates]

It's not my first pick, but if it'd break up the on suggestions to do anything with a cute little pussycat nose then I'd be all for it, honestly. I'm more of a Bowie girl, personally. Prince, Madonna... but if I had to take a different Tom Jones? I'd work with it.