tonight on cops: thedas edition

[inagutterson]

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Yngvi Congealedinagutterson. Yes that's his name
RECIPIENT: Unfortunately everyone.
WHAT: Yngvi goes to check in on Gwen's dad. He tries to contact her using Asher's sending crystal before he heads to Skyhold. He ends up contacting all of Skyhold. (But Gwen's dad is trying to murder him so that can probably be forgiven.)
WHEN: Probably slightly backdated to a few days back. Timey-wimey
WHERE: Orlais; the Vauquelin estate
NOTES: Language. Dwarfing under the influence. Violence in the background.  Threadjacking totally allowed!

[Here's the thing: just because Yngvi took possession of Asher Hardie's sending crystal upon Asher's death (some one had to, since someone has to stay in Skyhold to honour the fact that Asher signed them up and Yngvi is the charming one okay, most suited to that legacy) that doesn't mean Yngvi knows how to use said sending crystal.

So what's meant to be a private message to one Gwenaëlle Vauquelin becomes horribly public.]

Gwenaëlle? Is this thing-- [Okay that is a lot of angry background noise? Does it sound Orlesian? It probably sounds Orlesian.

To some who know him it might sound alarmingly like Emeric Vauquelin actually. And the frantic scramblings of a dwarf.] So here's the thing, I stopped by to see your old man, avail myself of his legendary hospitality. He's in rude health. Just wondering if you wanted anything picked up? I've got the silverware and the best brandy. By the way, what's that really dark purple colour because it's my colour I look--

[There's a very loud crash, and a truly ear-piercing shriek from the dwarf on the other end of the sending crystal.] Sir! Sir I am changing!

[[ooc: Hello welcome to Yngvi's liveblog escape from the Vauquelin estate where Gwen's dad is going to eventually try to shoot him with a crossbow. He has this completely under control.]]]

Comments

[elegiaque]

I like that dress, Yngvi, you can have anything from the dressing room on the other side of the house, leave mine al--

What are you doing.

( in the tone of a woman who has just heard what she is saying out of her own mouth. )

[inagutterson]

I'm asking about the colour, I've got too much shoulder and not enough anything else for the bodice but I'd be the envy of every lady in the High Quarter. Brings out my cheekbones.

[There's more shouting, then some very determined hustling as he sets off again--

Okay back with you. Situation normal.]

Went to see your dad, took the scenic route back from the hold - you know how it is, feel like checking in on family. I'm hurt, he's not happy to see me.

[elegiaque]

The seamstress called it wine-dark but I do think she was being a bit pretentious.

( this is both delightful and also distressingly surreal. she isn't entirely sure which reaction to go with. is she going to be in trouble, maker's breath. )

--are you still near my rooms?

[inagutterson]

Well she's probably drunk, most of them are in Kirkwall.

[But isn't everyone in Kirkwall, he should probably go back. Check in. Deface the statue of the Champion at some point like he never got the chance to because they never went back long enough last time.]

I'm moving. In motion. Do you really have rooms I thought Asher-- [Wrong word. Oh that was so the wrong word that's the red rag to a bull there is a very violent lunge, Yngvi screams like every girl in a horror film ever.]

[elegiaque]

( she can parse just enough of what comes through the other side of the crystal to yelp-- )

What did you say to him? You get moving, my lord has hands like hammers -

[inagutterson]

I was going to go with ham hocks but hammers works. And I said nothing! I just dropped by! To see how he was, because he was so dear to my heart!

[Sick burn right Comte? Clearly not well fine he's going to leave such a shit review on Thedosian TripAdvisor, won't even know what hit him.]

You'd think he'd take pity on a poor grieving dwarf to offer some charity, some people, I don't know.

[elegiaque]

Yngvi, ( sighed, with such resigned affection, ) you are such a fucking trouble-maker.

[inagutterson]

That's not how I remember things. [What do you remember Yngvi? What does it look like inside that head of yours, in the movie of your life?] No, but seriously, d'you--

Oh fuck. [And the joking stops. It's all gone very quiet. Too quiet. Only maybe there's Yngvi's heart pounding, and heavy breathing.] Comte! Ser--

[The two words are very brightly spoken, then there's a distinctly meaty thump. Yngvi's cursing is faint but no less vivid for it, and that moment of calm vanishes in an instant as the struggle resumes.]

[elegiaque]

Please don't kill him -

( is probably futile, even if emeric can hear her over the crystal. )

1/2

[inagutterson]

[There's a moment where Yngvi's life flashes before his eyes.

Growing up with Gunnar in Darktown where they basically just devoured everything. Dangerous jobs for children. Eventually finding out there is such a thing as the sun. Meeting Asher and wow why do people grow so big, what is this bullshit. Traps. Money. Blood everywhere. Beer. Waking up with no trousers in a tent in the middle of nowhere with beer in your hair.

He did it perfectly.]

'm keepin' the spoons.

[Yeah you keep those spoons Yngvi. Also where are his legs. No seriously where are his legs where did they go?]

2/2

[inagutterson]

[Right, second wind, second chance, second life (he's Carta, they rigged the game for infinite lives shut up).]

Oh ye of little faith. [Slurred because the whole world is spinning?] Right about hammers. Big, blood hammers. What is your dad?

But 'm small. He [wait for it, big triumphant pause as he-- totter-runs headlong down the stairs oh wow there are so many stairs why are they moving, stairs help a dwarf out here c'mon] is not. Small.

[elegiaque]

Violent.

( a succinct answer. what even is emeric vauquelin? complicated, that's what - handsome dandy, melee bruiser, devoted father (whether she likes it or not), appalling husband, always contrite (always something to be contrite for), the life of the party and the reason it gets broken up early.

but 'dangerous in close quarters' about covers what's relevant right now, probably. )

Is your head all right? Are you all right?

[inagutterson]

I thought he was some weird Orlesian attempt at a golem.

[Look at him, putting a spin on it. Probably because his brain is swinging around wildly.]

I'm offended at how many stairs your house has, it's like Kirkwall but in one house, who builds this many stairs inside one-- nevermind, on the floor. This place is nice, hospitality is probably better with you around but everything's better with you around.

[Time to turn on the old Congealedinagutterson charm before he clears his throat to ask a question. A serious question. Because sometimes Yngvi has those when he's sober.]

Your old man. Does he own weapons other than Bruiser and Crusher. Those are his fists, they need names, they have them, I think they make him sound distinguished, don't you?

[elegiaque]

( everything is better with her around, thank you, however there are serious discussions afoot-- )

Yes, of course, but so long as you only stay out of swinging range - he does best in close quarters.

( she is alarmingly knowledgeable about her father in a fight. )

[inagutterson]

[Look he will be properly contrite--

Actually no, let's not even attempt to entertain that for the end of the sentence, that word isn't in his vocabulary unless he's reading it for some reason. But he will throw himself at her feet in his bear pelt and it will just fall open??? It'll be grand, and wonderful.]

Of all the men, he's not even the one with a chevalier's code. I think he sent someone off to fetch something so my carriage awaits.

[A keg. It's a keg. It's a really cool keg. Go-faster stripes.]

[elegiaque]

Be quick about it. I don't know what he could possibly be fetching.

( quick theory 'nothing that bodes well', though. )

action is allowed in these things right /sweats

[goodforsaken]

[ oh hey, wherever gwen is she is about to be joined by a lex, who encounters here on the stairs and sits down on the next one up, expression like he really wishes he had a popcorn bucket the size of his entire upper torso. ]

How capable a man is he, your father?

[ because oh shit. ]

ofc

[elegiaque]

( gwenaëlle doesn't immediately register who it is that's joined her, slightly - understandably - preoccupied with whatever's happening on the other end of her crystal and answering somewhat automatically, worrying at her smallest finger with her teeth-- )

Yngvi's very fast.

( so, pretty capable. )

[goodforsaken]

[ oh dear. ]

I can't figure out if that's a very high or very low opinion.

[ of her father, not yngvi. ]

[elegiaque]

He'll fight just about anything in the right mood, you've never had such trouble as trying to stitch up a drunk man who won't sit down -

( well, lex has probably had a lot of trouble, probably much of it father-related, but not that specifically in all likelihood. she frowns at her sending crystal. )

He has an excellent constitution and he hits like an ox and I don't know what Yngvi said but if it was about Asher then this is going to end very poorly, I think -

( did lex want to have his knee abruptly grabbed when yngvi gets punched, because. )

[goodforsaken]

[ -- uh. he puts a hand automatically on hers in that way people who have no idea how to deal with being touched just kind of choose an action like y/n/what??? ]

Yngvi really has--survived worse. That's no harder a punch than he and Gunnar used to inflict on one another for fun.

[ reassurance, with lex luthor. ]

[elegiaque]

They nearly killed themselves with their own feet once in a bear pelt.

( --darkly, in an extreme exaggeration of the minor chaos that had been 'gunnar and yngvi stand on each other and invade her room as the weirdest bear'. )

On the other hand,

( the free one not underneath his, holding the crystal which she gestures with, )

He does sound in better spirits.

[goodforsaken]

Yes. As long as that's not the concussion talking his chances sound better than average.

[ The implication there being, it seems likely Emeric might invite house guests to meet Bruiser and Crusher every day just for sport. Said the unsuspecting fool who was one day going to piss him off by having the unmitigated temerity to exist* near Gwen.

He flexes his hand restlessly, grips his own knee with the other one. When it doubt, be symmetrical. At least she's warm, that's a plus. ]

* that is a euphemism

[elegiaque]

( it is sort of a thing that sometimes happens if he has certain houseguests. apparently. and sort of serendipitous in a foreshadowing sort of a way that the major conflict between yngvi and emeric is largely asher hardie's infuriating temerity to have euphemismed gwenaëlle that one eight times. )

The concussion or the brandy.

( speaking of things that combine explosively. )

[goodforsaken]

[ tits of someone or other's ancestors, that's a high bar. ]

In just the right ratio they might serve him better than a clear head.

[ i mean. is he wrong. ]