EMERGENCY QUERY

[byblow]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Alistair
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: A matter of life or death
WHEN: Wibbly wobbly timey wimey
WHERE: Everywhere
NOTES: Fuzzy art

So. Inquisition.

[ It's been a few hours since he was traumatized by the sudden appearance of a fuzzy painting of the late Cailan Theirin's overly familiar face, by now, so Alistair doesn't sound too rattled. A little rattled, maybe. But not too. ]

Burning art—does that make you a bad person?

[ Follow up-questions: ]

What if it's really bad art?

What if it's really bad art of a dead king you owe some degree of allegiance to?

--and whoever did this, I'll get you.

Comments

[byblow]

Don't you dare say a word about our marshes, or I'll--I'll give this painting to Nathaniel.

[justice_is_blond]

You can't regift a gift. That's horribly rude. What if it's from one of the heads of the Inquisition to someone well-respected in the Wardens? Imagine the diplomatic incident that could cause. You must know better than that.

[A beat.]

And your marshes are awful. If I never have to trudge through one again I'll die happy.

[byblow]

You realize I've been to the Anderfels. I know it's the worst place in Thedas. You don't have any room to talk.

[justice_is_blond]

Weisshaupt hardly counts; the rest of the Anderfels are beautiful and have none of the muggy blech of the south. Simply dry, fantastic heat. No frostbite, no worries about never getting cold out of your bones... I've all the room in Thedas to talk.

[byblow]

Unless you're in the Anderfels during the winter, and then you can't talk because you're choking on the dust, or maybe starving to death on account of nothing growing.

[justice_is_blond]

That's what cows are for. Can Lucci say 'moo' yet? Someone needs to teach him moo, and it's not me.

[byblow]

I'm going to teach him 'woof'.

[justice_is_blond]

That poor, poor child. How much do you think Zevran would hurt me if I taught him 'meow?'

[byblow]

Only a little.

[justice_is_blond]

I can deal with a little. It should be worth it. Just like you can deal with your pretty fuzzy art. Admire it, Alistair. Bask in its... glorious spectacle?

[byblow]

I'm giving it to Nathaniel. I warned you. He cares about the monarchy a bit, right?

[justice_is_blond]

What you give to Nathaniel you also give to me. I will find uses for the art. You may find yourself... surprised.

[byblow]

What sort of surprise are we talking about?

[justice_is_blond]

If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise. Also he may smother you with it. He looks a little murdery right now.

[byblow]

That's not very patriotic. Tell him I told him he's not being very patriotic.

Can you categorize the surprise? Scary surprise, violent surprise, sexy surprise which is the worst, in this scenario—?

[justice_is_blond]

Nate, Alistair says you're not being very patriotic, and I say I'm proud of you.

Alistair, if sexy surprise is the worst, then I will do everything in my power to make it a very, very sexy surprise.

[byblow]

You mon— [ —ster, he was going to say, before realizing midway through that it might not be funny even if he didn't mean it that way.

Cue awkward pause while he tries to think of another way to end that word that will be smooth and seamless and can't come up with one.

He coughs and carries on. ]

Anders, it's a portrait of a Fereldan king. If you do anything sexy involving Fereldan kings, pleaaaase don't involve me.

[justice_is_blond]

[And this is why he likes you so much, Alistair, because you'll stop before calling him that.]

You've a very easy solution then, Alistair. Don't give it to Nathaniel or myself, and there won't be any sexy Fereldan king business. I'll even throw in the knowledge that I didn't manage to seduce Jonas as a bonus. Not that I was truly trying.

[byblow]

I don't think any of us did.

[ Seduce Jonas, that is. Mind body or soul. Screw 'im. ]

All right. You have a deal.

[justice_is_blond]

...No, I don't suppose we did.

[If he could leave that easily...]

Good luck with not burning or burning said art, depending on what you decide.