???

[scuzzy]

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Dax
RECIPIENT: Anyone listening
WHAT: SCIENCE
WHEN: Now
WHERE: Skyhold/Wherever
NOTES: Threadjacking is cool.

Good morning. [ It's not morning. ] I'm trying to settle a bet. [ That part might be true. ] I need everyone to rate mages on a scale of one to ten.

[ Do you want to know why? Do you want to know what exactly they're being rated on—intelligence, utility, attractiveness? Do you want to know whether one is good and ten is bad or one is bad and ten is good? Do you want to know who he is or who allowed him to have a sending crystal?

Too bad. ]

And don't come in here telling me about how they're individuals and some are good and some are bad and some are whatever and you can't possibly give one number to all of them. That's not the bet. One to ten.

[ A pause. ]

And then do dwarves.

Comments

[el_tybs]

...

Are you asking about mages in general or you want us to rate each one separately?

[scuzzy]

If you make me listen to you rate every one separately I will put this thing down and find you and make you regret it. One number. All mages. [ There is a snapping noise, caused by, you know, snapping. His fingers. Hurry up. ]

[wickedchase]

Mages: 10.

Dwarves: 5.

[scuzzy]

Harsh. I like you.

Not Here.

[hugeinorlais]

[Rude.]

Private

[fleurdesel]

Mages, Seven.

Dwarves, also seven.

∞

[scuzzy]

Really?

[ That's a really of incredulous disdain, though it's kind of hard to communicate disdain in an accent straight out of Lowtown Kirkwall—but still. Like really, you're wearing that? Really? Sevens? ]

Do Templars and Qunari.

[unbrokenoath]

One through ten.

[ She's hilarious. ]

[scuzzy]

I know what you look like and I know where to find you.

[ ... And he's like a foot shorter than her, they've already established this, but hey. ]

[samahl]

Mages: 9 and a half.
Dwarves. Hmmm. I guess I'll say 9 just for the beards and chest hair alone.

[scuzzy]

You're either very cruel or very boring.

[perseverances]

Is this absolutely necessary?

[scuzzy]

No, Ser. It's not even a little necessary.

[obi_wanmanshow]

I have a question.

[scuzzy]

Is your question a number between one and ten?

[justice_is_blond]

A rating of men,
From one to ten.
With no detail?
Meant to derail.

No discussion will come -
Only division -
But then perhaps
That was your mission.

[scuzzy]

What the fuck are you supposed to be?

[ombranera]

Is this a bet for coin or a bet for knowledge? Or perhaps there is something far more insidious at work here, like a desire to not have to run around the battlements in nothing but your smallclothes?

[scuzzy]

If it was I wouldn't say. People might make me lose on purpose.

[ The preening is audible. And ridiculous. He's a wiry runt who's nearly as much scar as skin, and he knows it, but hi, how you doin'. ]

[rowancrowned]

[ he's in the library smiling to himself as these replies roll in pay him no mind. ]

[scuzzy]

[ Don't think he wouldn't give you sparkle elves the same treatment if he knew you. ]

[issala]

Mages... seven. I don't personally know any dwarves, but Varric is awesome, so... five.

[scuzzy]

Which one is Varric?

[ He knows who Varric is. He's from Kirkwall. He's being a brat, that's all. ]

Action! Because let's say that he's on Gavin Duty because that's hilarious

[slipshot]

Dwarves obviously get a ten. [He hadn't spoken for a little while, as he had been staring out at the mountains for an oddly long moment, and when he turns to Dax he completely skips over mages entirely.]

I've never met a dwarf I didn't like.

[scuzzy]

[ What the fuck is wrong with you, says the look Dax aims at him, but maybe that's a look Gavin has received from him so often lately that it just looks like his face. ]

Yeah? That so? You ever met the Carta?

[noleechesneeded]

Fives all around. There are mages who only care about their own power and mages who just want to be left alone and mages who only want to help. It averages out. I don't know many dwarves but I can't imagine they're any different.

My apologies if you expected something more exciting.

[scuzzy]

[ LOUD, LONG, OVERDONE YAWNING NOISE. ]

[dragoon_pride]

That depends, are we speaking of good mages or evil ones?

Dwarves... I've always been fond of them. But should I be referring to dwarves from this world or the ones I know of back homes? [They're not too different, but still. It may make the difference of a point or so, who knows?]

[scuzzy]

What the blighted hell do you mean, good or evil? Do they come in two flavors "where you're from"?

[ The quote marks are audible. You're all demons to him. Which hopefully also answers the dwarf question. ]

[chainlightning]

[ er ]

Dax?

[ the fuck u doin ]

[scuzzy]

Merrill. Sweetheart. Light of my life.

[ He's not doing anything!!! ]

[eolasemah]

Mages are what they are. I want to know more about the bet before I'll give you a number.

[scuzzy]

Ooh, mages are what they are. I hadn't thought of that. I think I need a few minutes to let it settle in, I think I—my whole view of the world, it's crumbling. This hurts so much. Ow. Fuck. My head.

[hugeinorlais]

So, anybody started listing names with numbers yet, or am I early?

[scuzzy]

I think you're right on time, serah.

[the_effect_she_has]

Mages in the Inquisition - 10.

All other stupid mages - 1.

Dwarves - 10.

Varric - 15.

Templars - ... Hard 3.

Red Templars - Negative 1000.

Qunari - 1.

Tal Vashoth - 15 plus.

[dalishious]

Ones across the board.

[arachnophobe]

Mages: 5.

Dwarves: 9.

Wardens: 0!!!