therookery | crystal;

Entry tags:

crystal;

FORM: Crystal
SENDER: Allumin
RECIPIENT: Everybody in Riftwatch
NOTES: gay panic in a couple threads (kinda spicy)

um, hello? [the voice is very soft and nervous at first.]

Pardon my anxiousness, I'm, ah, not used to this kind of communication being so... open?

I was told I'd need a staff and some guidance in order to use my own magic properly here. The general outlook on mages, however, has me doubting if devoting the time is a good idea or if I should focus my efforts elsewhere. However, if it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be in my head, and someone were interested and able in assisting me, I'd be happy to discuss fair compensation for your time.

Also, upon some recent reflection, I suppose I should offer myself up to one of the divisions of Riftwatch - not Diplomacy though, I'm not equipped for that.

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Have you always been prone to overthinking?

[ she asks it gently, because his hesitation seems to mark more than just a character trait. experience tends to sear harder. ]

Oftentimes, yes. Well - [that may not be entirely true.]

There may have been a time I can't remember where I was more confident? That aside, meeting people is usually the hardest part. I overthink less once I get past that.

Do you worry about how people will react to you?

I do, yes. [That answer is simple enough, at least.]

Why is that, if I may ask?

Well... [He sighs, he should rip off the bandaid now.]

Aside from a flimsy sense of right and wrong, there's also my tendency to toss either aside if necessary with regards to arcane research and progress. Most people do not appreciate that kind of thinking.

Most people are sheep. Although I cannot say I truly understand or would agree on any of your points, it would be foolish of me to write you off as someone not worth knowing. Not when I can learn so much from you.

When did you realize that your sense of right and wrong was flimsy?

[Oh... Hm... that's nice, actually, hearing that.

He's not entirely ready to give everyone who might be listening the opportunity to hear what he has to say next.]

Before I arrived here, there was an incident in which my best friend, while not solely to blame, killed the parents of someone we had met - but the person in question, their parents were forcing them against their will to become a horrible monster because it was some odd part of their family legacy for some reason. So, myself, my friend, and the others we were traveling with were all sort of to blame, really, despite also trying to save someone from a life they didn't want.

Immediately following that, my friend had been rather heavily impacted by it. I didn't do anything to help console them because I wasn't sure how, but also because another person traveling with us had been treating me with suspicion for things outside of even my own control therefore I wasn't feeling particularly charitable - even when it came to supporting someone I care about.

During this time, we ended up exploring a place of interest and because I had already been treated in such a way that I didn't feel welcome, when it came time to venture into possible danger I stayed behind because I was upset and didn't want to trust anyone as a result. Someone almost died, and maybe if I had not chosen to stay behind, if I had actually trusted the people I was with despite how I was treated, and if I had properly been their for my friend? Maybe that wouldn't have happened and everyone would have been alright.

[He dumps a big wall of information in one go, barely stopping for breath.]

Sorry, I know that's a lot to take in - the point being that I've definitely made some choices that have hurt people for no greater good at all while I've also made others that have been for another's safety but have still definitely hurt people.

Hm. [ a soft hum to show she's heard everything, as it takes her a while to respond. ]

But it appears to me that you are taking things beyond your control as choices you've made - which doesn't make sense at all. What you're saying leads me to believe that if you knew someone's life would be in danger, you'd have made a different choice.

But you cannot fault yourself for feeling the way you did at the time, given the circumstances. If you can't trust yourself first to know what you feel most comfortable doing, then trusting others will be even more difficult to accomplish because you'll always question your own judgment. And that's not a fun place to be in, Allumin.

It might feel easier now, to blame yourself. But you'll find that it makes everything else harder than it needs to be.

I suppose... but it's hard not to feel like there's something wrong with me when I can't simply put others before myself, especially if bad things seem to happen because I don't.

It makes me feel like I'm worthy of suspicion, and that despite my better efforts I shouldn't be trusted.

So... it makes simple pleasantries hard to say.

Is that how you would genuinely perceive someone who thought of themselves much the same way as you do?

Or... [ she pauses, trying to find the best words to express her thoughts ] are you merely assuming the worst that people will think of you, so you won't be as hurt in the event that your fears are validated?

No, I wouldn't...

[It is probably that. Climbing through a portal to almost no memories and being treated with immediate distrust despite doing nothing wrong from a former member of his traveling party had left an impact on him. But it also made him think about things he might have done and forgotten to deserve such treatment as well...

Oh, this is all too much to think about talking to a person he's only just met, and not even face-to-face.]

I am, yes, probably.

You know what, I've already shared a lot with you and maybe it would be best to just get it out of the way... I have amnesia - caused by magic -, and while I've slowly been remembering things I've also been afraid that I might have actually been a terrible person before. But I don't want to be? I don't know, I feel like sometimes there can be a time and place for it, during hard decisions where there's no good answer or--

Sorry, I'm rambling.

[ the amnesia is a surprise, although it does go far in explaining much. for someone already riddled with guilt and insecurity, the gaping hole in memories only provides further chaos.

and yet, underneath her calm, a prick of envy. ]

I suppose... you could say that it's even more important now, to decide who you want to be without the burden of past memories. What has happened will never be changed. But you can decide not to be a terrible person now, and all your important decisions are still before you.

Don't think of it as a source for fear. Whether your memories fully return or not shouldn't enact any change in who you want to become, right?

I hope not. [There are definitely horrible things he remembers now that he doesn't ever want to do again. So there's that...]

Thank you for listening. And for speaking with me about this. It's... probably a lot to have dropped upon you from someone you're speaking to for the first time.

There are worse things I've listened to when meeting someone for the first time, I promise.

Please know that I think you are perfectly lovely, Allumin. And I'm very happy to have met you.

[There's a bashful little laugh at her continued kind words.] Now you have me curious. [It's said playfully, there's no actual expectation for her to share anything the same way as he did.]

That's sweet of you to say - I, um... [There's a moment where he's afraid he'll overthink this again and pauses.] I'm happy to have met you too.

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crystal;

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